Conversation 101

Try treating them like they are already your friends.

 

What Reconstruction said. Asking questions and giving your own answer to the question is a great way to keep the conversation going and may lead to more interesting topics. For example: "what kind of music do you like? I personally listen to bla bla bla". This always works for me and I'm generally very shy around new people.

 

You've had some good answers. I'll add some more.

To have someone consider you interesting (and therefore enjoy talking to you), you have to remember some things.

• You have two ears, but one mouth. Therefore, listen twice as much as you talk. (In practice, having six ears and one mouth is better .)

• Become genuinely, seriously interested in the other person. Many years ago, when I was terribly socially awkward, I made a few goals, and one of them was to believe that everyone — yes, everyone — had something to teach me. How could I learn what that something was unless I became keenly interested in their story? Imagine that this person was going to become a long-term friend. You'd want to find out everything about him or her — what's their story? (I actually often ask that question: "Everyone has an interesting story," I say, "so what's your story?" You'll be amazed at the stories people can tell you, even that homeless tramp around the corner.)

• Be vulnerable. A person won't open up to you unless they feel safe. If you share a vulnerability with them (be brief, because you don't want to bore them), they then feel safe to share a vulnerability with you. For example, here's a great one because so many other people feel the same way. If the conversation is appropriate, I'll tell the person, "I might look confident, but it's all an act; I had to learn it. I'm really socially awkward and I find it hard to have a conversation!" You might be shocked how much others will open up to you.

• I repeat: A person won't open up to you unless they feel safe. Therefore, don't be judgemental! Don't bad mouth other people (the listener will think, "If he says that about others, what's he going to say about me behind my back?"). Don't criticise. Be tolerant. Try to understand the other person's point of view, even when you disagree with them.

• Be genuine and honest. Don't pretend to like something because they do. (Men — listen to this! A woman doesn't want you to change your mind to suit her opinion. She wants you to be genuine.) If you are an ethical and moral person, you never need to change your mind to suit others; only if they give you a solid argument that persuades you, in which case be humble, honest, and man enough, to change your mind and thank them.

Despite being dated, the truths in Dale Carnegie's book How to Make Friends and Influence People are timeless and ever-useful. Read it!