Crying Wolf with nothing to hide...eyes dried, torrential tears inside

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by NaturalPornKiller, Aug 24, 2020.

  1. NaturalPornKiller

    NaturalPornKiller Fapstronaut

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    I'm currently in a relationship which has been plagued with ruin over the past several years due to my porn addiction. I relapsed countless times and lied to my SO about it amongst other things. Of course it had become almost guaranteed that would be the case just by default at any given time because I had proven it time and again ad infinitum.

    Recently I've begun to take things seriously because I'm tired of the relentless onslaught that I've inflicted on my partner's feelings and has generally made me a shity person all around. To her surprise and my own as well I've made it past a week Mark of no p*** which is difficult to fathom considering Ive barely made it even 3 days over the past year or so without relapse. I have take it in action even going as far as to avoid p subs such as Instagram for example. Like I said I'm serious about this and I'm going about every measure to prevent any sort of deceptive behavior or lying to my SO. Really what this is the very beginning of trust rebuilding which has been slow but is now picking up momentum ...

    Anyways earlier today my so happened to check my phone which is fine by me specially considering I'm doing whatever I can 2 rebuild trust with her. For some reason I had received an email stating that I had used an iPhone to log into Instagram. I was not even aware I received an email about it therefore I was clueless when she asked me about it. Unfortunately due to all the past lies she took it as me playing dumb and stated that I'm full of s***. I mean how else would it appear? Basically I didn't log into Instagram and by telling her such I am lying because there's an email stating that indeed I had. Really f****** pisses me off that this has occurred because what little bit of positive progress due to honesty and trust on my part is basically a bunch of bulshit because of this incident. I don't know what to do and although this f****** pisses me off like a motherfucker, oddly (and thankfully) my first reaction is not to instantly runoff and relapse which was again the default behavior in my past.. I just feel kind of stuck being that I've been genuine but to her I'm full of s*** and there's really no way I can prove that that b******* didn't occur. So I'm just kind of ranting on here because of the seemingly futile efforts i feel I am restricted to... Has anyone else encountered a similar issue and if so what the f*** were you able to do about it?
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes, and this will most likely not be the last time this happens. You have to understand that rebuilding trust will take complete honesty and total transparency and time. There will b setbacks such as this that you have no control over. You are reaping what you have sown. Don’t get defensive and apologize for putting her in a position where she cannot believe you. As you get into recovery and get clean, as she sees that you are being honest, these occurrences will b less and less.
     
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  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I dont know if its right or not, but even if what you are saying is true hear her out. Listen to what she has to say, what she feels an acknowledge those feelings. Becouse even if it was "innocent" she needs to be heard firsthand, more then listen to excuses.

    There is a difference in fixing your addiction and relationship, fixing the addiction alone wont fix the two of you. Like i said you need to hear her feelings, and let her know that does feelings matter, that she matters.

    A few practical things aswell, read up a bit on betrayal trauma. It could help you understand this situation better and how you can handle it differently next time.

    Next thing is to think over if you need an instagram account right now, or would it be better for both your recovery and your relationship if you deleted it for the time being?
     
    GroundedRabbit likes this.
  4. it's funny how they always seem to think they are "doing everything" they can and jumping through hoops, when the amount of effort they put into feeding their addiction and keeping it protected has already shown us the extremes to which they can really go for something they "want". yet when they "want" to prove that they intend to be honest and accountable, save the relationship, chose us over porn.....it's like their mental faculties are suddenly foggy, they can't navigate what it means to sacrifice the trivial goodies of a moderate lifestyle in order to obtain trustworthiness, integrity and the emotional vulnerability it takes to speak from a loving and caring heartful perspective instead of defending themselves or being upset over their entitlements.

    is it just me, or are a lot of PAs kinda like emotionally retarded spoiled brats? does anybody else feel like they are raising a kid?

    bro, imagine it were the other way around. would you believe her about the instagram account if she was always lying to you until now? never showed that your feelings mattered more than keeping secrets from you, would you believe her that she had no i phone? seriously, what would go through your mind?
     
  5. my bad, i could have been a little more articulate on the topic. reminds me a lot of what i've been through and it's difficult to sympathize with you. you think it's a challenge to deal with having no trust in the bank to ride on? imagine it as the person who invested their life savings with the bank and within a couple years, the bank burned through it all. now you're at a loss because you didn't know a bank could just spend all your money and not be liable. when the bank asks you to start a new savings account and trust them with your only remaining spare change .....you really want to risk it?
     
  6. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I would say this is true in general. Many people once they get addicted to porn at whatever age that is 8-14 ish get stuck there and never learn how to process emotions and feelings. So we have 30-40-50 year olds who are operating at an 8-14 year old emotional capacity. I've been processing this lately and have recognized that I'm still operating like a 12 year old emotionally in many ways.
     
  7. i surmise that this is due in part to living in a society that basically cushions men from having to strive to be anything better than their whims and consumerism. we are a society of addicts and the most sought after ones are the white males cause that's where the wealth lies. so we have a market based create-demand-to-supply culture and self-gratification nation operating at full force....but its destroying us and leeching out the ineffable truths.
     
  8. or whatever.

    i used to hate on women a lot but i now see that it's a destructive duet of both genders flushing down the same toilet.
     
  9. NaturalPornKiller

    NaturalPornKiller Fapstronaut

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    I realize this post is quite a bit whiny and leaning considerably towards defensiveness. Im aware of myself at least enough to know that when I become defensive it portrays that I am guilty of something which is often true...I just don't want to admit it. Even if this instance seems highly likely (due to the countless lies I've already committed up to this point regarding my p*rn problem) defensive is not a stance I need to take either way. Whether true or false it just makes the situation worse causing further pain for the offended party. It becomes a battle literally with offense and defense which is a basis of two
    forces in conflict with one another. In a relationship though two are meant to work together to solve problems which is opposite the above scenario.

    Realizing this basic aspect is the foundation for everything built in a relationship is all it would take to make anything else that follows flow naturally and deepen the intimacy between partners. Struggling to embrace this simple principle is something Ive been experiencing for some time, but I do understand it is the healthy way to engage with your partner. I want to learn how I can lower my defense to be a better partner and generally a better person all around. I suppose I ought continue to strive for such because I do believe it is truly worth it if I can eventually experience a much greater and fulfilling relationship as well as sharing true intimacy between myself and another.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. This episode of my favorite podcast really clarifies how this issue can be approached in a way that works.
     

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