Day 26 - need advice, first time poster

Hi Peter, your story matches mine almost completely. I'm also 32 and nearly and feel like I'm also at ground zero. I even also lost my job this year. I also isolated myself from women and hardly got past a few dates. I only now realize how bad porn impacted my life, feelings, and demeanor. Exactly as you have written. The way I plan to deal with it is to use this to make such a strong comeback. Basically as motivation to live a life that I might not have otherwise had the courage to do. The term for this is logotherapy.

 

Yep, with the age difference I can still relate to this. A bit harsh note on this, as one may seem to have awaken up from a long comma. But I can definitely say, Yes you can forgive yourself and you certainly have to. And to overcome any other feelings that may arise, this sentence may help you: A present success will overrule past failures.

 

I can also relate @Trips - 33 and have only been seriously battling this addiction over the last 2-3 yrs. (but suffering from it since high school) I occasionally get frustrated and depressed over the fact that I could have started this years ago and would have found myself in a totally different place considering what NoFap has done for so many aspects of my life (drive, attitude toward life, emotional stability, self care etc.) I'm starting to experience modest success as an artist and am proud of my accomplishments, but continue having problems financially and otherwise. When I dwell on this, I try to adopt the attitude @Survivalist mentioned in the last line of his post - I can change it now. I can make up for lost time. I'll never get those years back but what sense does it make to give up now because I'm starting a little late in the game. In our early 30s we having plenty of time to get back on track and find the joy in life we've been seeking for so long. I think about my aunt and uncle - who I care about very much - in their early 60s. Both were once aspiring artists but gave up on themselves early, settled for complacent, mediocre lives and now secretly look at their nephew with resentment because I'm finding success (I'm making assumptions here and have heard comments they've made behind my back). Then I realize how foolish it is to think that I'm "too late". NoFap, as cultish and maniacal as it sounds, has truly changed me. 2 weeks with no PMO and I can feel my old attitude of "life's not fair and when am I going to get what I want" change to "Life is what I want it to be and I'm going to go out and make it what I want". The lack of that drive is what leads to so many people becoming bitter and miserable in their old age. Use the push and the aggression to slap that notion that it's too late and you're starting over in the mouth. You're not starting at square one. You've worked on your addiction and made real progress. Keep going.

 

I relate well to all of this. Too well, unfortunately.

The amount that porn takes away from you is incredible. Truly, there is no area of your life it won't affect. It's not good to get hung up on what-ifs, but where would I be in my career if I hadn't gotten trapped in porn? What would my relationship with my wife look like if I hadn't gotten caught up in it? How many social organizations would I have gotten involved in, and how much happier and more fulfilled would my life be had I been strong enough to turn away?

The regrets are immense, but one thing I've learned is that it's essential to not dwell on them. Really, where is regret and a lack of forgiveness going to get you? Nowhere positive, which is why it's necessary to forget about your past mistakes, move on and make the most of each day from here on out.

I know it's hard to do, but so long as you're constantly beating up on yourself (pun sort of intended), you're never going to make the necessary emotional progress to both move past PMO and lead a more fulfilling life.

I can attest that healing can happen rather quickly. Even coming out of my heaviest periods of use, I've found that abstaining for as little as 30 days can have a hugely positive effect on my overall mindset and demeanor. I feel much happier, I'm able to interact with people in a more confident way (increased eye contact, less nervousness, people find me to be more likeable, etc.), I appear to be more muscular, I feel I'm able to work out harder, and more generally, feel like a much better and more capable person.

So while I know the feelings of depression all too well, I can confidently tell you that they will go away once you make the decision to break free from PMO and follow through.

 

I totally understand what you're saying and I hope I didn't come across as trying to delegitimize your feelings. I can understand the haunting worry that no mater how hard you try you will "have to settle for less". And yeah, an 80 yr. old probably can't say "ok, now its time to get my shit together and build the life I always wanted", or at least its far less likely that he'll be able to. Building a career is tough when you've been struggling with addiction because you inevitably look back and say "I could have started earlier". Personally, I find myself comparing myself to other artists who are 22 or 23 now and having solo shows. I get down on myself because I know I have strong work and could have absolutely started hitting major milestones early in the art world had I not been drinking every morning and destroying my mind and body in every way. But I try to make peace with it. I'm starting late in my mind, but some people would say I'm starting early - its relative. I slow down and remind myself - I could still be drinking right now. It feels impossible, but I could totally be drinking and unemployed at 32 and all the work I created in the last 6 yrs. could be non-existent. I also understand that building a career as a lawyer is different than that of an artist, but I think there are certainly parallels.

I respect that you are acknowledging your negative feelings and I don't think you should try to silence them with blind optimism - you have to work slowly to introduce positive thought patterns so that you actually believe them - make them yours. Standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself everything is fine and you're 21 again probably won't work for you. But I hope that you can move beyond simply being intellectually aware that your attitude isn't helping you and get to a point where you can feel it too. Where you let go of placing yourself in a hierarchy and feeling like a loser because your lawyer friends are further up the ladder. I know it feels like a stretch, but I honestly believe the time you spent struggling with porn and not optimizing your time bc of it was not a waste - it taught you things about yourself, patience, acceptance, empathy and many other virtues your colleagues may not have much experience in developing - and they are things that matter. The guy you fear envying the most may spiral into a drug addiction and lose everything at 40 - I'm not saying you should wish this but you never know will happen to people. Those who have more advanced positions than you may not, deep down, be any happier than you. They probably feel inferior to others around them, especially in your field, and are constantly trying to fill a hole and "catch up", which they will probably never do.

What I get from your posts is that you now feel really good about yourself and you feel like something was keeping you held down in your prime so you "missed out" on all the good stuff that could have come from it. I can relate - I sometimes think back to college when I was constantly surrounded by women, 2 women in particular, and I had so many opportunities but fucked them up because of alcohol and low self esteem. Had I abstained from booze and porn, worked hard and taken care of myself, I could have had a lot more sex, made a lot more friends, started everything a lot earlier. But I can't know that for sure, and losing all that time has made me that much more grateful and motivated to make the most of my time now. I can't let it happen again. I feel so much better about myself sexually and way more confident, so I think "if only I could have brought this to that girl who even gave me chances when I was at my worst". An it haunts me. But then I think - for all I know she could have liked me better drunk. I could've had great sex with her, but would it really matter 10 yrs. later? I have a beautiful girlfriend now and I'm going to bring all of that energy and "make up for lost time" attitude to her.

Chris Hardwick is someone who, despite not being in love with all his work, gives me some inspiration. He spent most of his 20s drinking and doing terrible TV spots and then just became a recluse for a while. He kind of became a joke. In his early 30s he cleaned up and bit back with a vengeance and he's incredibly successful now, probably more so than many of his peers who kept working while he drank:

https://aboveitalltreatment.com/blo...of-rebuilding-a-life-after-alcohol-addiction/

I guarantee you that he's not waking up every morning ruminating over the fact that he could be making a few more million and been "further along" (whatever that might mean for him) if he had just not been drinking all those years. From his words and his appearance, he seems to me like someone who has become a better, humbler person and is now making loads of money, getting respect and doing what he loves, regardless of when he started.

Again, not trying to blind you with positivity here - you seem like a smart and cynical guy and I respect that. But I don't think it always has to go the way you think. You need to work on the black and white thinking, the "I don't know what I could've been but if I'm not there then I'm nothing" attitude. Move away from obsessing over status and try to accept that you're not out of chances.

 

32 isn't old. You have plenty of time to advance is all aspects of your life. Negativity is what is in your way.

 

Peter -
(why don't you turn on your counter?)
seems you are desperate. listen: i changed my profession 5 times during the last 30 years. 3 years ago i had a broke. my relaunch with 54 was successful, therefore i decided to quit porn & masturbation.
now i did. there are millions of opportunities for us - but PM addiction is a serious danger for every career and relationship - same as drugs. so don't worry about your age (teenboy - haha!) concentrate on being strong with PMO and build something new, something better. and next time you will be better.
go ahead!

 

I see where you're coming from. I've also wasted incredible amounts of time on porn and aimless Internet browsing. Had I used all of that time to develop my career and other useful skills, I'd be in a great place right now. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't, and I'm not. That's not to say that I'm in a bad place, because I'm really not. Life is good in a number of ways. But of course, there's that ever-haunting question of what could have been.

I like NewDrug's idea of looking to others who have reached high levels despite late starts. Just yesterday, I was watching videos of David Goggins, the current ultramarathoner and ex-Navy Seal. I don't know his entire story, but the gist is that he'd let himself get up to 300 pounds or so and was just kind of sitting around not accomplishing anything in particular. But one day, he got motivated and started doing amazing things. He's a powerful example of what people can accomplish despite wasting their "prime" years.

So reading and watching motivational stories is a great idea. Goal-setting is another approach that many have successfully used. It's good to use in all areas, and is particularly applicable to physical fitness. For example, let's say you currently run 5K in 25 minutes. You set a goal to get your time down to 19 minutes by February. To do so, you're going to have cut a minute off your time each month. Think about what you'll need to accomplish your goal (cut out dessert, stop smoking, reduce alcohol consumption from 3 beers a night to one beer a night, etc.) and write it all down some place you'll frequently see it . I used to write goals down and tape them on my closet door so that as I got dressed every morning I'd stare at my goals and know exactly what I needed to do to accomplish them.

And of course, a similar approach could be used for earning certifications you need to advance your career, complete long-term work projects, etc.

As for other tips, I've really been helped by completely cutting out sugar and reducing consumption of processed foods. Those two kind of go together, as added sugar is in pretty much every processed food, as well as a variety of other chemicals that aren't going to do your body any good. I've found that by cutting them out of my diet, I've felt less lethargic. This can be helpful in the battle against PMO, as instead of exercising or doing something else productive I've often just kind of sat around and aimlessly surfed the Internet, a habit which often leads to porn.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. All kinds of people have accomplished all kinds of things despite wasting periods of their lives, and I'm sure you can too.

 

Well, it took me months to forgive myself and get my life back on track. At the start, I expressed the same negativity and hopelessness that you are showing now - so perhaps it's just normal. Anyway, that negativity drove me to new heights. I used it.

 

That's kind of a controversial issue. For people who don't have a problem with porn, I'd say have at it. Masturbating a few times a month isn't going to be a problem. For those of us who do have problems with porn, it's more complex. The main issue is of what you're going to think about while you do it. Most of us who have struggled for an extended period have all kinds of different scenes and images we can recall. Therefore, the odds that we're going to think back to those scenes while masturbating are very high. For that reason, it's risky. I'd personally advise against it, but I also know how tough it can be. I suppose that if you absolutely must, try to think back on a real-life encounter you've had and just keep it as brief as possible.

Again, tough question, and you have to determine what's best. Others might have better advice on the topic, so perhaps search around the site a bit to see what they have to say.

Anyhow, I'm glad you're feeling more positive about things and are committed to eating healthier.

 

Thanks for reading the post and, yes, restarting my art career later in life was worth it. After graduating in '06 I spent about 5 yrs. barely creating anything, drinking insane amounts of alcohol every day and floating from menial job to menial job. In 2010 after meeting my now girlfriend of 7 years, I got back into painting regularly, selling smaller work online and since then have been consistently selling those smaller pieces online. I also started creating larger work of different, less marketable subject matter and now show with a gallery in Boston. This year in particular I've been hitting numerous lifelong goals: being in a show in NY, being published in a respectable art magazine, selling a $2000 painting...

I probably sound like a self-obsessed asshole but I'm just trying to let you know that it is possible to work hard enough to feel that, although you've lost some time, you're still not out of the race. Granted I "started again" at 27, but 32 is NOT that different - it's 5 years. Letting go of any social expectations and cultural norms for where we should be, you are not really starting late. I bet even if you decided you're going to start taking classes / workshops / teaching yourself or just working on your art on nights and weekends (or if you have the means, leave the lawyer career altogether), your mindset will start to change because you're doing something that fulfills you. Also, I bet what you learned in the 7 yrs. you think you wasted in the office will be useful to you in strange ways for the rest of your life, maybe not in art necessarily, but in other areas. Everything ties together. Plus you've got the interesting backstory of "lawyer turned artist" to tell prospective galleries/buyers

I am not trying to paint a perfect picture (no pun intended) - I have problems (like porn addiction) and insecurities that I deal with everyday and financially I'm doing pretty terribly (living with my girlfriend at her mom's house currently while we look for a house), but as you probably know, that's the nature of an art career and, honestly, I see things greatly improving in the future because of the momentum I started building 7 years ago. One vital piece of advice: start small and slowly work your way up to where you want to be so you don't crash and burn and start panicking because you're afraid you made a mistake.

 

Hey NewDrug, thank you for your posts. I think, lots of people made simply a mistake in their career choices. e.g. my brother studied law, but since 30 years he is successful as designer. One day he recognized that law was an error. Paolo Conte has been a attorney, but made his career as a singer songwriter. and so on.