Difficult times, very confused

Since age 12 i've had anxiety, depression, no motivation for anything.
I grew up as a hardcore gamer and it got me used to easy joys, i was bad at school, always too lazy to learn and just prefered gaming instead, easy, constant stream of pleasure, at age 11-12 i started pmo as well.
doing it as a daily practice untill age 21, were i started trying nofap, still being frustrated for not seeing any benefits in motivation, workouts, character and personality.
im only 23 but i am a very tense, stressed person with a bad case of negativity and a tentancy to get desperate and to blame.
This also shows when im playing video game with friends, i am highly competetive, and a sore loser, i never understood why losing a game that doesn't affect my life in any way could cause such havoc in my heart, and much anger that is never nice.
i think its because i understand gaming is one of the only things that grand me joy or pleasure, and being denied that as well is not easy to accept.
my personality tends to be bitter, even when i win i am a sore winner, and tend to rub it in the face of my opponent.
these may not seem as something that noteworthy, but i think it is, it shows a serious lack of confidense of me in myself and the need to lower other to feel worthy, whenever bad things happen to others, the inner me feels good even if outerly i dont show it, because it shows me and tells me: ''good, im not the only one that has shit going on'', basicly telling me im still relevant as a person.
i think all of these combined is something that always prevented me from finding a partner, realized girls never attract to me, this even spiralled my PMO addiction and makes it harder to quit.
almost a year i was free from porn, still not noticing any benefits, any increase in motivation, i still used to MO about 1-2 times a week, about a month ago i returned to playing video games often, this somehow made me return to PMO after almost a year, at first i didn't gave it too much importance, but a month later i notice that this single relapse to porn made the mind attach to it again and requiring a daily dose of PMO, now feeling more drained than ever, still no motivation, i hate my job, it barely pays the bills, i have no motivation or intrest in learning a degree, and don't know how my life will turn out...
I don't expect any magic advices because i've been there over and over, hoping for a comment that will help me and change how i think, of course your opinion is something i'd want to hear, but this was more of a vent post, hope is low for any improvement because this has hunted me for more than a miserable decade of my life, all i wish for you to do, is to pray for me, because i have lost hope in the good will of god, not understanding any of his savage deeds to my life, but i carry on nevertheless, one last time.
If you read so far, thank you, i hope all of you will find peace in your life, nothing else is needed...