Do men struggle more with putting we before I in relationships?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by GG2002, Mar 24, 2018.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,015
    3,400
    143
    I have experienced this myself and I have to say almost all of my married friends have this complaint. I think by nature women are socialized to put others first, and to be accommodating. But men seem slow to get to that point. It’s like they fail to consider how their decisions effect their partners, or they do and decide their own choice is still better. There’s a lot of I want, not we want. I even see this with friends that are Fathers. It’s still very me me me. It’s almost like a fight to be independent. Are all men like this, should I resign myself to this fact? Men how does a woman get you to put we first?
     
  2. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    If there are not too many people in the we, which may be a bit challenging since there are all the relationships in that persons lives.

    This probably won't sound all that interesting but I sometimes think it's just easier if you have no family to deal with, not even the stereotypically PIA in-laws but just because it's a lot of noise. Like if she's an orphan and keeps to herself, there's just less to deal with.

    On another note, when you said men may decide their own choice is better I think it's important to get that it also depends on how you frame things. One of the most repulsive things for me is when people have no metacognition and just judge you according to their own superficial standards, and yes I recognize that may be a male thing with the mentally oriented way of relating, pigeonholing everyone without knowing them. It's like they can't entertain another way of looking at things other than their own for more than two seconds, as if your deepest inner life isn't worth their off the cuff judgement. So in other words they are practically incapable of reframing.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,015
    3,400
    143
    I was only counting two people in the we, the couple. I think the couple needs to be first and foremost a team and put that team above all others. Personally I have a pretty decent ability to intuit how other people will react and feel, so I don’t think that my way is the only way. But I do run through in my head when I make a decision how it will effect the ones I love and I can see that while my actions may not hurt me if someone did it to me, they could hurt someone else. I think often men cannot do that, becasue they have no clue how it will effect her. And even when they try to consider her, they cannot because they cannot see another way of thinking. An example is the couple is saving money for a joint vacation for a year. Then the man goes and spends some of that money on a flat screen tv and never thinks it may upset his wife. Or thinks that she would enjoy the tv more than the vacation because he would.
     
  4. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Well that happens to both in different ways I think, a very subtle thing I've noticed with one person I knew but I don't think most will is some will frame things in the self-help philosophy she's learned but have no idea that someone else may have an equally if not more valid/detailed understanding, it's just not the same. And I think it is far less likely for the person (which could also be a man) to recognize this if most people "she" knows subscribes to that philosophy or that general framework, and without considering what an alternative view actually is it's pretty much dismissed or not paid attention to because it's not in the majority and not the way that person is conditioned to view things.

    But to back up a bit, your example is also indicative of someone who cannot think ahead in time and in detail. We're focusing on the dynamics of male/female relationships but that is a factor and of course hallmark of addicts given the impulsive aspect of that purchase.
     
  5. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    And I think on a deeper level you're talking about more than a relationship in terms of agreements. When you know someone so well on an intimate level it isn't a kind of social contract, it's a symbiosis. Like people who finish each others sentences maybe.

    Or to look at it another way, there's less of a difference between we and I, or the I is an integral part of the we. Because if the we is based on agreement that's some fairly general outline, and to use the analogy of a contract there are always loopholes that is technically not breaking the rules but inconsistent with the spirit of the agreement. Also there is of course a difference between the we and the other. Putting the other first may be noble from one perspective but can in certain circumstances cause harm to oneself and ultimately to the relationship as a whole.
     

Share This Page