Do you need to know everything?

SO of a PA here.
About 3 months since Dday.
My thread:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/healing-together.159878/
Quick version of our story:
2 year relationship, SO/PA has aspergers and was in deep active addiction 4 years ago. Mostly chat and video. Did a 2 year reboot before meeting me and had a brief, and very tame relapse (was M'ing again, but no P except for some bikini photos) in December of 2017, found out about it in Feb of 2018. Hes rejoined nofap and journals daily.
He has never lied to me about his addiction, but we felt it was behind him.
Hes always struggled with ED and of course up until his relapse I took the blame on myself. After the relapse, we came to realize it was porn induced.
When he relapsed our sexual activity came to a full stop, though it'd already dwindled down.
My theory.... he was frustrated with his ED and desexualized me completely. Turned back to MO because it was always a sure thing. Kind of restoring his manhood in a way if that makes sense.
We've been working on intimacy to start healing his PIED.

We've never had an issue with him lying. Hes always been very transparent. Never had an issue with me looking at his phone/computer, was never secretive. The only thing I "caught" him in was the Google searches for bikini women. I didnt see much harm in this but when the PIED reared its ugly head again I brought them up. He did not try to deny. Came clean completely. I have full access to any electronics, and he willingly gave his FB password and has been going to SAA meetings.
I only looked through his history once and logged into fb once.( no warning or time to delete) Nothing even remotely alarming.
So, I dont really have trust issues. Like I said...very transparent.

So my question is this.
Hes working work an AP, and this AP tells his wife EVERYTHING. He resets his counter every time he fantasizes, and tells his wife. He tells his wife his every thought and fantasy, basically his wife knows everything that goes through his mind.

My SO was doing this for a while as well. For example:
He told me about a girl he works with that dresses provocatively and that he had a brief fantasy. He has no interest in this girl at all but he felt he should tell me the fantasy occured and reset his counter. He also told me that he felt looking through fb photos of women on his friend list was a form of psubbing.

I am not worried he'll cheat at all. But hearing about this girl at work made me so self conscious. I was wondering what she looked like, whether or not I measured up. I found myself looking through his fb friends list and wondering which girls he was looking at and feeling shitty about myself because I don't look like them. Wondering if he settled for me because I was willing to date him and wasnt attracted to me.
It hit hard because these are women that are attainable. If hes watching porn,those women are fantasy material but not a tangible, touchable thing. Does that make sense ?
Up until this problem, I never questioned him. I never felt so insecure.
I told him the other night that I didnt need to know his every thought as we all have sexual thoughts (myself included) and need not to delve as deep into every single one.
I said " I dont want to know if you saw a hot girl ask fantasized sex with her. But if you went home and fapped thinking about it, that I want to know. If you messaged her and started a conversation with her,that I want to know.

But I wanted to hear from other SOs...
Do you feel like your partner should tell you about every sexual thought? Every brief fantasy?
Do you feel it helps or hurts?
Of course I'm going to do what works for me and I feel that telling me literally everything just perpetuates my insecurity and creates suspicion. But I was just curious on everyone else's boundaries in regards to this.

 

Oh I totally understand that some SOs need to know everything and I thought I did,too.
Turns out I feel it makes it worse.
I want to know how hes doing in his recovery and I want to know his progress and setbacks but I feel knowing every thought in his head is only going to make me really insecure.
In our case I feel like its ok... of course its something I can revisit as time goes on.
But was your situation one where your SO was lying a lot and going through great lengths to hide his addiction? Are we talking years of deceit?
I'm not really looking for validation as I know each couple has to do what's right for them. But I was just curious as to what other peoples boundaries are and why

 

Oh jeez!!! If I was going through that I'd probably feel exactly the same way! I'd want a home lie detector lol
I am so sorry you went through all that and commend you for taking the steps needed to repair yourself and your relationship

 

So now another question...not saying you should or shouldn't because you're not the one with the problem here. . But do you also tell your SO your every thought ?
Say you see an attractive man (or woman), and maybe you have a quick little fantasy... do you tell your SO about it ?

 

So much helpful stuff here. Seriously.
So to respond, yes with many people with aspergers have difficulty lying.
I learned early in this relationship to never ask a question unless I want a real answer!! Lol
I can always tell if something is up. Its very obvious. He cant really, and doesnt make much of an attempt,to hide anything.
Any lying he did was by omission.
I knew he had a past porn addiction. He was as clear as he could be at first and then as we got to know each other he shared more and more.
Once the relapse happened he shared the full extent.
He didnt wait to get fully caught. I asked what was going on when the PIED all but killed our sex life. I assumed he wasnt attracted to me as many women do.
He fessed up that he had been m'ing again and felt that might have contributed to it. I had seen the Google searches before this and honestly didn't think much of it. (I've known most guys to just be porn-watchers and felt it was fairly normal....so this was tame to me ) I told him I figured he might be because of the Google searches. He confirmed it was.
He let it alllll out. Hes always been very transparent. I've told him since he had the full disclosure that my trust for him wasnt broken. Just slightly bent.
Do I watch his behavior more closely? Absolutely. I bring up any concerns I have in the moment and we deal with them. I dont read his journal here, because it's part of his recovery. He doesnt read mine but I dont care if he does.
I am confident that hes telling the truth. But if I am not,he knows hes agreed to full access.

Nope. I have absolutely nothing to hide, but even though we are a couple I believe we should have our own senses of individuality as well. I still respect him as a human and as an adult and believe he is entitled to some shreds of privacy as am I.

You nailed this!! Actually THIS is what I mean about fantasizing. I think I miscommunicated it but you worded it much better. I dont go into like a full sex scenario when I see an attractive man. But occasionally I will see a particularly good looking one and just appreciate it. I love my SO very much and have no desire for sex with anyone else. But this is totally true. I dont feel I need to share every instance with him so it doesnt make sense that he would have to. If I told him "I saw this guy today and he was just gorgeous " he would probably feel a bit threatened and jealous. I felt the same way. There was nothing further than that moment,and theres no harm done. So I feel it need not be said. To me all it does is plant seeds of suspicion and doubt. I dont suspect him or doubt him when it comes to his fidelity.

Yes yes yes!
Every time he would tell me about a fantasy or brief moment,I felt like I was back on square one again.


Your response was super helpful. I appreciate the time you took to work that all out.

 

If he were to ask, or it came up somehow I would absolutely be honest. But me admiring a guys strong shoulders and nice smile just doesnt need to be offered into casual conversation. It was a quick fleeting moment, ya know? I'm not trying to get with the guy...or any other guy. I just saw a guy and acknowledged in my mind that he was attractive.

 

I think I may have been unclear in my OP.
I definitely dont have like full on sexual fantasies about other men. I'm talking just like.... "wow that guys hot" and then going about my day.
I told him if that's all there is, then I domt need to know. I appreciate his willingness for completely full disclosure but knowing he saw a girl in a store and thought she was hot doesn't need to be said.
I have a lot of anxiety issues and even that would trigger a chain of anxious thought.

 

I think it really is up to each person. I think my boundary is really I just want to know if he m's and if he does I want to know what triggered it. Guess its gonna be a case by case basis. This shot is so hard and you never know what the right way is until you have a situation.