ED and more problem. I wanna kill myself at this point

Greetigns everyone. I'm a 22 yo male in my 5th university year of engineer.

I don't really what i'm about to write here but i'm gonna go all out on my problems i guess and try to get some opinions on if complete no PMO might help somehow in any aspects of my life.

I was completelly ok until i started college 5 years ago. Haven't ever had passion for it, friends were easy to make hard to mantain. Feels like everyone is dulled and in my first year i still had colour and passion. 2n year came as pandemic. It broke my mind, my spirit and started some depression, lots of suicidal thoughts, feeling useless... Third year it came as decent at first. Got my first relationship, got laid for the first time... But couldn't orgasm. In fact it felt like... Wow sex is only this good? This is boring. Same with another girl a coulpe of girls months later and another one.
Last year ( 4th year of college) i did so bad in general. In studies i'm the personification of procrastination, low drive, low motivation, no reason to do things...

Finally in this 5th year i though of it as THE YEAR OF CHANGE . Fantastic i went to a psychologist for the first time and got diagnosed with depresion. I tried NoFap so many times over the years but every time an excuse came by not to do it. In the end i feel it like " how am i supposed to do a thing so chad if i'm fucking depressed? I first have to become chad and then NoFap will come naturally".



But once again it's all a loop. How can i not have anorgasmia if i watch porn and masturbate... But i can't do it since i don't feel chad enough to do it. And on top of it all i'm also depressed apparently.


I just wanted to see everyone opinion on my case. I have thought that no PMO could be the code cracker here but i haven't really ever gone far from 2 weeks.
I just wanted to kill myself at this point for failing so much. I can't stand too much fail and desperation. I feel proud of myself is that my body is quite good and i can run like 20 or 30 km earnestly... I have been told several times that i'm also beautiful and quite intelligent... But also I'm a lazy fker so i don't give a fk about being pretty or good looking. I just want to put the effort but i can't get to do it. I feel like i'm not gonna make it brothers too many fails. I failed myself too many times.


Edit: i already checked all physical causes for ED and it's nothing body related. I'm all fine in that aspect... But i also ever have morning woods cause... I'm depressed or smth?
Ah also i'm no expert in dopamine stuff but i feel absolutely no pleasure or expectation for doing absolutelly anything. To the point i don't yearn for sex. I don't need or wanna have sex either masturbate. I only ever relapse cause... I do it for randome reasons or to sabotage myself when i'm sad. I guess that might contribute aswell xd

Thanks for reading up this point.
Have a good day everyone

 

Hey bro thanks for the feedback.
The thing is... I have already though i had already won the battle agaisnt fapping but time proved me wrong again and again. Once i had made sure of myself i wouldn't fap then... "Hey what's the point of no fapping if you just had sex with this girl and you can't cum?" or
"hey you just studied hard this time, that's amazing. Fap to relief stress" or "hey your body is tired but you aren't sleeping. What do you prefer not sleeping or fapping and sleeping? "


these are the things that has come to my mind time and time again.


to the point i don't even really try not fapping at this point. I don't do it many times cs my libido is almost non existent at this point.

Does no fapping really do anything?

 

Thanks for the feedback O_0.
Being honest my life is more of a roller coaster. Right now i've been "good" for a week or so. Even though having no libido i feel sociable, i go out to do things, i have fun... And i can even enjoy my free time and don't percieve it as "lost time". Fuck i even want to actually do gym and study a bit... MY only fear right now is that this state will slow down as it has happened many other times and eventually fall into depression again.

I'm a simple guy. When i'm down i can't get up by myself but if a big brother tells me to do it i will simply do it. Why? Becouse i must not fail a brother. I feel like i if i just had some support... Some trustful bro to tell me not to suicide, not to give up, to continue seeing the light as i see it right now... I don't feel like i need medication. My life will be wonderful if i can go to class, go to gym, meet up some friends, study 2 to 4 h and play some games or do some extra sport. If i can do that everyday my life will be perfect. I just don't wanna get down the good roller coster in which i'm in right now.


Anyways thanks for the feedback brother

 

Hey bro thanks for the replys.
One one side i gotta be honest. I eat well, exercice properly and drink a lot of water ( not 2L if i don't feel like it but i keep hydrated throught the day) . On the other side honestly whenever i do gym i feel "empowered" and happy. In fact the therapist recommended me doing it 2 times a day if i feel like it, no problem. Ignoring the overtraining that it is... I like the feels but also remembers the 4 years ago me that had vigorexia. I was ultra focused on being big, strong, monkey mind, woman, woman, sex, monkey see woman monkey flirt woman.

I was kinda happy on that state honestly but those around me felt it like that person wasn't me. At that age 4y ago i started realizing that a single fap could banish all that energy i had throught the day.


On the matter of noFap... It's weird becouse in COVID-19 lockdown i did nothing all day so a single fap would destroy my mind and body. Nowdays i do lots of sport and even run 10km / day so i realized a fap doesn't do that anymore. I feel a bit sleepy at most.



So i know from intuition that... Cmon man if i don't masturbate for 40 days of course i will be ultra horny, that will help... But will it really help? Take into account that even if the dick is horny the person that has to fuck has a big bag on his shoulders. Guild and shame from doing just 2 years worth of subjects in 5 years. At this point i could have finished my career but i'm just at half of it. Even if i get to get laid with 40 days no PMO and feel as good as i'm right now... Will it do anything if my mental is kinda bad? Will it heal me?



I just have a lot of questions on this regard becouse... No fapping is hard. It's an effort... So if it really has some real benefits i migh try it real this time but... Why doing it if i won't really want to have sex even after doing no PMO. In fact what would happen with my hope if after 40 days no PMO i got laid and didn't have an orgasm either? Life would loose meaning completelly.


People do careers to have money to enjoy their things and ultimately get a good woman, marry, sex, kids... I mean one is supposed to enjoy every step of the process but what if i can't enjoy the most recreative activity which is sex and can't be cured even with noPMO... The only thought of no PMO not working scares the shit out of me.



Sorry for extending so much ;().
Have a good day and thanks for the feedback

 

Anyways i will use this thread as a daily reminder of my "streak". I usually write on my diary now that i think of... So i will be kinda posting it online and reassuring that i keep "recovering" ? This all seems so confusing to me xd.
I don't really belive in the process right now but i will keep going forwards. Either that or i will fall into depression or some shiet.

Anyways day 2

 

First of all thanks for your answers. Even thought this is a solitary battle it's refreshing to see that everyone has seemingly hard situations somehow related. In my case semething wrong about my mind, and specially my spirit or will. In your case solitude, and the yearning for change... Seems everybody has their own battles... But why in the hell sociaty allowed us to watch porn in the first place?

At age 10 whenever i saw any ounce of erotism in movies my parents would close my eyes and my brother tried to close the nudes woman from publicity at pirate-series webs. It was obvious that as i had never seen woman that way it was super erotic. Why the fk did internet allow me to click in these pages with the only restriction of " ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE 18? YES. OKAY FANTASTIC "


.... Well overall i must confess that porn kinda helped me understading the woman's body. I think i did a good job at discerning what "should be learned or applied" from what not so in that sense it was kinda useful.



But... If porn was the problem... How can exist people with no PIED despite watching tons of porn? How can people as they told me at age 18... " nut one or two the morning before sex so you last more" ? Is it becouse i have mental problems which makes me have an extremely low libido or it's becouse my perception of my mind being rotten it's much worst compared to others?


I mean overall i have lots of questions regardings how can i have this problem and other people that watch porn don't.

Day 3 btw. Chill but had urges to watch porn. Not even fapping but just watching it out of boredom. Felt like it would do no harm but i didn't do it in the end


Anyways thanks for the feedback as always