I have PIED and have been dating a girl for two months. She wanted to commit before having sex, which I agreed to, so we are "committed" now. Last night we went to have sex for the first time and I couldn't get even the remotest erection. She was visably disappointed and seemed to be questioning the whole relationship. She was not very loving or accepting, but when I told her that I thought it was porn induced she demanded, with demanding language, that I never watch porn again. She seemed willing to work with me, which I think is a blessing, but I can't help shake the feeling that she rejected me, and I no longer feel accepted by her. She playfully slapped me a few times, which wouldn't bug me if I could have gotten an erection, but felt as if she was kicking me while down. She also asked "should I make you feel more like a man?" suggesting that her being submissive might help me get an erection. I am not sure if my ED is causing my negative emotions or if it is the way that she reacted to the situation. I see an opportunity to overcome PIED with her and potentially get over porn forever, but I also see the potential that her demeanor may be disrespectful and push me deeper into extreme fetish porn. Its either me or its her and I cant decide what to do. To clarify, the best possible solution would be a girl that honestly doesn't look bothered by my lack of erection and is loving, accepting, and kind. I am not sure if I can get such a woman without an erection, and I do believe that I need a woman to beat my porn addiction. I cannot do it without something better, aka a woman to have sex with. Please help me. Thanks.
Your experience sounds difficult. Definitely not something any of us hope for. To be honest, though, I hear you rationalizing why you cannot help yourself. You say you believe you need a woman to beat your porn addiction. Why is that? That's not a woman's job. The work is your own. In your other recent post you wrote "I have tried to quit, but haven't been able to as I am studying and I spend my whole day in a book, when I need to be in a more physical environment like a workplace." This also sounds like an easy way out. You can find time in the day to be physically active - which helps with health in general, and sexual energy in particular. And you can avoid porn while reading books. I mean all of this in a supportive way. I wish you success in taking ownership of this and making great progress!
You can't control others actions. I'd image she felt embarrassed because it would come off as if you physically didn't want her. You say you really want to do this, but man with this post and from that other, all I'm hearing are god damn excuses. Pick yourself the fuck up and commit to beating it, you may relapse once or twice but you're only defeated when you start complaining and come up with these excuses, as long as you actively strive to be better through your actions, you're already on your way to complete victory. Cheers!
I appreciate your responses. Truly. This is exactly what I am looking for. I should clarify though that I have been attempting nofap and failing consistently for about 2 years. My success is almost entirely sporadic and Im not sure why. Some attempts I have failed on the first day, second day or third day and other attempts have been successful for up to two weeks. The problem with my studies is that I am in a constant war with my brain, and urges. In short the second I start studying the urges will distract me so that I am unable to finish the studying required. I can completely resist the urges and even enjoy them when engaged in "real life"; around people, in a work environment. The reason I believe I wont be successful until I graduate is that my willpower always fails eventually because the studies are not enough to distract me from the urges whereas they are negligable in other environments. My plan after I graduate in two months is to find a more stable work environment so that most of my day is spent in environments where the urges are easier to ignore. The reason that I believe that a woman would be beneficial to me overcoming this addiction is because instead of conquering the urges they would attach them to something healthier, aka a real woman. Perhaps my thinking is still wrong, and I would welcome any advice, or criticism as the truth is neccessary for recovery. Thankyou all for your help.
If it worked this way every guy in a relationship would be able to quit. My husband thought he would quit as soon as we married, instead marriage made it worse. He used pmo for stress relief, for anxiety and depression. Not for sexual urges which seems to be what you think is the reason for addiction to pmo. You will destroy every relationship with your addiction.
That's your mother you are describing, my friend. There is no kind way of putting this; Women want to get pleasured and feel like they are queens in bed. No girl can feel feminine next to a flaccid penis. You need to fix you, because like the other ladies in the tread have pointed out, you will ruin all your relationships if you don't.
Perhaps this is true. I have noticed a significant improvement in my urges towards porn once I started truly facing my emotions. How was he able to conquer it?
Conquer it? Or get into recovery? He goes to counseling, he attends saa groups, he had emdr, he had biofeedback, he journals and reads/studies porn addiction. He abstains from sex when he is stressed. Abstains because he doesn’t know if he’s seeking a dope hit or actually having sexual urges. Either way self control helps. He doesn’t masturbate or look at any social media. He is very careful about what he watches on the tv. He talks to me and we discuss why he may or may not be struggling. He has accountability partners that he calls multiple times a week and they call him. He reads and memorizes verses of the Bible, he prays, he goes to the gym with me, road bikes. He has several different blockers and accountability software on all electronic devices. I mean, he has basically changed his entire life, he retired early because of the stress his job caused. I could go on and on because it’s all intertwined with his recovery. I could also go into the changes I have seen
What fascinates me, is that upon learning it was an addiction, then seeking out specialist to help, we discover that things we thought would help, were actually detrimental in some cases. One would think, having a totally willing spouse for sex would help. Not so. My husband couldn’t have found a more willing, adventurous sexual partner. Lol. Because of his IA, my wanting sex made it harder to quit his addiction. It completely stressed him out. Once he addressed the IA, his addiction really started losing its hold on him. He has been committed and consistent with all of the above for over 2 years now.
No one should be telling you what to do. Yes, you SHOULD stop watching porn. Yes, you SHOULD stop masturbating. But, it should be YOUR OWN will to do so. This girl obviously doesn't realize the scope of your addiction and struggles. Personally, I wouldn't "commit" to her as she doesn't seem like a person I'd like to be around in the long term. Have sex with her if you want to, but in the long-term, I'd look for a more loving and supportive girl to be with. Good luck!
