extremely picky - high standards?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by obsrac, Dec 7, 2014.

  1. obsrac

    obsrac Fapstronaut

    I'm very curious to know how many people are like me in that they have very high standards for both beauty and personality? my hypothesis is that, since I have been fapping since I was a very young child (3 years old), the constant dopamine overload in my reward circuitry has made me a very tough to please person. I am cynical, demanding, and hard to impress.

    I recently ended a 4 year relationship with a very nice and beautiful girl because she just "wasn't good enough for me". People who knew or met her thought I was nuts, as objectively she was beautiful and could most of the time be very sweet. But while I was with her I always thought "I can do better", but rarely do I ever see or meet someone that I could truly see myself with.

    I've completely given up porn as of 2 years ago and I see little improvements, but I'm hoping no O at all for a very lengthy period of time will help me with this. It doesn't mean I will lower my standards, but I want to experience more joy from life and from people.
    Nickarlson likes this.
  2. HelioHelix

    HelioHelix Fapstronaut

    I'm a healthy 20 something who has avoided dating all-together because I knew I could get what I wanted just using P. All the girls in the videos were 10s to me and the chicks in reality couldn't really compare. As I'm getting into my mid-late twenties I've realized all the human interaction that I've missed out on and the benefits that come with it.
    Don Gately and MsPants like this.
  3. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

    3 years old? I find that extremeley hard to beleive, could be true though haha, anyway I also have high standards but I like many different types of women, sure the hot blonde with fake tits and a big butt is a turn on, but thats all lustful. The women that I fantazize about having relationships with are the ones who have a natural sort of beauty, I like when they dont wear make up, a lot hotter than a fake women. So dont be afraid of high standards, most people have standards after all.
  4. Warrior01

    Warrior01 Fapstronaut

    I did the same starting this year, and was my worst year ever (fapping-wise). I just got tired from dating and instead relied on PMO. Actually it hasn't been that bad, thanks to PMO I managed to save good money (porn is free, dating isn't) but took a huge burden in my soul and self esteem.
  5. Davecb

    Davecb Fapstronaut

    I really want to be supportive of everyone who is brave enough to post here, but I gotta wonder if this Obsrac could ever possibly be a real person. Sounds more like a troll than a human.

    If you're for real, I apologize, but if not, please just go away. There are people here who are truly struggling and trying to improve their lives.
  6. obsrac

    obsrac Fapstronaut

    I'm not too sure what about my post makes you think that I'm a troll. It's a very legitimate concern of mine, and I'm sure many out there. I know a few people who do have really high standards but I've never talked to them about any porn addiction they may have or had.

    Regarding fapping since I was 3 years old, this is true. I had learned from a very young age that I could achieve an orgasm by touching myself or some form of external stimulation, like a shower head. Of course at that age I didn't understand sex or attraction to females at all, but I knew I could get pleasure through self touch, and this orgasm feeling was something I was addicted to since I was this young. I have a journal in these forums that I update regularly, and I explain this.

    Responding to HelioHelix: The funny thing is that if you were to ever meet the girls in those videos in real life, you probably wouldn't think they were 10s at all. You would probably notice all their human flaws, behavioral traits that turned you off, etc. That is how warped porn has made us. It makes us very attracted to the representation of women but not actually women as they are.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  7. I am in the exact same situation. I have dated very few women that I was REALLY attracted to, and I am not the best looking guy. I just thought I was always pickier than the average guy, but I think masturbating had smth to do with it. I have been myself doing it since I was probably 4-5 yrs old, can't even remember. It wasn't fapping per se, I was just rubbing it over my underwear and would eventually climax. I remember when I was 11-12 after doing it once I started seeing fluid coming out and thought smth was wrong with me lol. Little did I know I was becoming a man.
  8. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Fapstronaut

    For a while I had super high standards just to give women the finger
  9. newman_unleashed

    newman_unleashed Fapstronaut

    What @obsrac said.

    Porn stars, supermodels, actresses... They all have been done up by trained beauty professionals, the photography is photoshopped, and the lighting and posing create illusions. Add plastic surgery on top of that. Take an "average" girl and put her through this and she will look like a "10" too. Don't be fooled gents. It's a scam by the porn producers to get us hooked. Stop PMO'ing and spend more time around real women.
    If a girl looks pretty in her daily life without any makeup or going overboard with it- she's a stunner.

    Something you might want to consider is why all of these available options are not "good enough" for you. It might be that you have some intimacy issues that cause you to create this excuse to not be with a woman that, in all actuality, is very pretty and sexy and has a great personality. I did that for years.

    Carry on.
    Don Gately, Gamerwife85 and TheWife like this.
  10. BlueNotes

    BlueNotes Fapstronaut

    I don't know bro, what makes you such a gem? What makes you think you're so special and good?
    Seems to me like the orgasm isn't the root of your problem, it just might be the human being that you are. Take a long, deep look at yourself. You seem pretty full of yourself.
    Meshuga, Shanne99, Dendrite and 2 others like this.
  11. Kennen

    Kennen Fapstronaut

    I've also been touching myself since I was a child. :)

    You recently ended your relationship to your partner,
    Did you regret it?
  12. Worzel

    Worzel Fapstronaut

    Your brain is what you feed it.
    The first meaningful relationship your brain was exposed to was super beautiful professional porn girls doing everything they can to pleasure their man.
    If that is what your brain has been fed from such an early age what chance to normal girls have?
    'Normal' people value the emotional side to a relationship as much as we do the visual and performance.
    That to me is why porn is so bad, because it doesn't allow normal relationship to flourish.
    Its put my long term relationship under huge pressure and only after many years do I fully get the problem.
  13. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    All I can say is she is a lucky girl for getting away. Sorry guys, but you're not exactly top notch in terms of being a great catch right now. You may be picky, but better hope that she's not. Porn addiction is not often on a girls "want" list.

    You also need to consider that the porn fog is affecting your tastes. Perhaps once you've got 90 days under your belt you'll reconsider those below a perfect 10.
    zenman, Meshuga, zauvek and 3 others like this.
  14. Wow, wtf is wrong with you people, why are you so judgmental? This guy came here for support and you guys are just shitting on him. Obsrac, I feel you man, I have been in the same situation, but lately I have been changing my thought patterns. I have almost 7 days on hardmode and about 9 months in soft mode (had sex, no PMO), and I can tell you you become less picky and more patient. It's still a lot of work, though.
    Sleeping_Beauty likes this.
  15. larrylarrylarry

    larrylarrylarry Fapstronaut

    I have been accused of having high standards. But this is my take: if you have a lot to offer, and looking for someone who bring to the table as much as you do, give and take, it's not high standard, it's respect for yourself.

    • If you're fit because you work hard at the gym, it's fair game to want someone who is fit as well.
    • If you're financially stable, it's fair game that you don't want someone who is broke
    • If you don't have kids, it's fair not to want to date single mothers
    • If you're an 8 it's OK to want a 7,8, or 9; a 10 might be out of your league, but... if it's your thing go for it.
    • and your list can go on and on and on. And you are the one who can make exceptions to your own rules depending on the circumstances.
  16. CallmeCat

    CallmeCat Fapstronaut

    Wow this is sad reading this post. Set that bar high and cuddle up with your porn.wth?
  17. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    I had an immediate thought, then I read everyone else and they are making me confused so I'll just say that original thought.

    Porn presents a high, and as someone pointed out, a fallacious standard. It's also incredibly specific, and is ungenerous to the true variety of the female form. I used to be somewhat displeased with the way my wife looked in comparison. I knew the glamor models were fake for all the reasons, but hey. It's all pretend, I know it's pretend, no big deal. Wrong. Big deal.
    So with the NoFap experience, I cut out all P subs and all fantasy. I don't even look at the magazine covers at the grocery store. Lie. I try not to look at those. It's hard. What I have found is that, the more I distance myself from that one narrow definition of "attractive," them more I can appreciate how incredibly subjective beauty really is. I could go on a rant about body shaming and stuff, but I won't.

    No porn for 2 years, good for you. I mean that. Are you still maintaining your standard for beauty based on actresses and advertisements, though? I do not begrudge you in the least for wanting the best fit possible. What a nightmare to be with someone who was "objectively good enough" but ultimately is not the right fit. However, it may be possible that you are holding onto unrealistic expectations.

    Oh, and self examination is another good thing. Make sure you aren't a skunk cabbage trying to land yourself a peony; that would make you a douchebag of the highest order.
    Don Gately, dewdrop and zauvek like this.
  18. larrylarrylarry

    larrylarrylarry Fapstronaut

    LOL, in my reply I had a Long Term Relationship in mind.

    Everyone in this forum would agree that preferring Porn/PMO to the real thing is stupid, and the only way we can justify it is by stating that Porn is a drug that leads to addiction. Just like most smokers don't really want to be smokers; and drug junkies don't want to be drug junkies; the addiction renders them powerless to align behavior with desire.

    Back to Long Term Relationships I would not wish a Long Term Relationship with someone who is not good enough to anyone, not even to my enemies.

    Would you want to be in a Long Term Relationship with someone not good enough for you?

    Imagine the conversation:

    She: "Do you love me?"
    Him: "Well, you're better than fapping to Porn"

    Anything other than LTR, it's an individual choice, a ONS with someone with whom we have little in common it's ok, for that limited time sex drive becomes "good enough".
    Meshuga likes this.
  19. CallmeCat

    CallmeCat Fapstronaut

    I have a question maybe you can answer maybe not but do you feel porn usage as the same type of addiction as let's say an alcoholic or a drug addiction or is it more mental and a lack of self control?
  20. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

    That's what I was thinking.

    I understand what the OP is saying. I really never see men around that I would badly want to date. I've been masturbating since I was 7 years old, so since I was a child, too. I think I'm just difficult to please (in general) because MO has depleted my brain's reward system. It's not just potential dating partners, it's everything...almost nothing seems beautiful enough to be enjoyable. With this addiction, you get desensitized from excess stimulation, and then nothing seems beautiful/interesting/novel enough to work for you.

    I have noticed since working on quitting MO that men on average are getting more attractive to me. Their positive qualities are looking more enticing, and their "flaws" don't stick out to me as much. I've also found greater joy in small things like seeing animals or flowers. It's only a slight improvement so far, but it still suggest to me that quitting PMO helps us enjoy the beauty in people more easily, as the OP suggested.

    As for your standards-I say there's nothing wrong with having them. Truth is, we all are picky about relationship partners, because each person is different and wants different traits. But you might start to realize you don't need all of them to be happy with a partner, or that you have different preferences once you've rewired your brain. A lot of people on here have reported these things over time.

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