Femdom Addiction This Has Gone Too Far Real Life

The biggest issue i'm having now is whether or not it's worth it to 'heal'. In order to do that i have to asses the damage that has been. So from 2009-2013 (ages 13-17) were the worst 5 years. I discoverd porn at the time only into foot fetish, graduated to ballbusting, mistress, femdom etc.. PMO everynight. Total = 1500.

Then from 2014-2018 i went out and met real women. (18-22) Thankfully. It went down alot.
From 365 to.
2014-50
2015-50
2016-30
2017-40
2018-60
=total 230
From 2019-2021, it went worse then i started help with therapy and counselling etc.. It got better i had a gf, then covid hit and i lost my gf, job etc.. And it's like i went right back to 2009 for a few months binging, depeer and darker.
2019- 70
2020-150
2021-75
=total 2025, approx 2100 orgasms.

With the last 300 orgasms being the worst, via cam girls, visiting real life dominatrix's etc.. I had now reached a place were the women would call me racist things like the N word, etc.. Over and over, i would say it to myself also.

Now lets look at the penile damage that has been done. From the times that i was having sex. I noticed
-weak erections
-unable to cum through a BJ
-prone damage to underside of penis
-Sometimes not lasting long
-Reduced sensitivity /pleasure
-only cumming through hard jerking

Now the most i've ever gone before having sex is 60 days. With my ex-gf pre-covid.2020 The sex was great, it felt a hell of a lot better than the 2016 sex. I usually take the dominant role and it feels incredibly healing.
But there was still some issues there.

So in order for me to 'heal', if i was to say go 100 days or lets say 365 days. 1 year, no PMO, no cam girls no dominatrixes. I would be 26 (i'm 25 now). Then to re-wire or retrain lets say we would have sex 5 times a week = 20*12=240, let say 250*9 =2250. (9 years + 1 year no pmo) It would take me 10 years! To be 'healed'. I'd be 35.

And that's with no gurantee that i could go 1 year, and have no increase in sensitivity, just my broken penis. I could go 1 year, and have no fix's to my issues. Thats why i always sabotage myself. Because if i had caught this earlier maybe i could have changed things, but now its just a big fucking hole.

It's so sad man. Every time the vision of what i wanted to achieve, and be, and do gets pushed further and further away. And only now i see the damage of the last 12 years.


I also dont understand how my brain works. How i used to only like heels, feet, then it became more, like cei, etc.. facials. Like before i used to be like eww i would never do that. Then it flips to like ;actually this isn't so bad. Even though it feels so wrong in my heart. And not for me. And its getting worse, as it gravitates to more things that i dont even want to write down

 

Thanks for the reply you are right. I tried to quit it all all about 10 days ago. And on day 7-8 it literally felt like i did had just done 7-8 months of healing, it didn't feel like 7-8 days at all. Because i well and truely went full force into living my best life, doing things i love etc.. etc..

Starting today i will hit 100 days. My heart and my word is on this one. Only because i need to backup i am who i am. I know i am who i am, but if i try to explain my theories etc.. some people dont believe me so thats okay. I'll be back in 100 days and will have taken great strides of healing.

And your also right about the healing most of those things, very possible and i will do that too. Not sure what you mean by doing better in the next life, but i get your point out whats the alternative. Keep going?

My original post was very emotionally charged at the time when i was discovering certain things, but not sure how its political at all. These things DO exist. People can pretend it's not there, pretend that the normalisation of things like Onlyfans , the metoo movement etc exist but it does.

And i do have my opinion on these things, which isn't that difficult to understand if you're a man too. Just tap inside and listen to your heart. Your name is mindfulwarrior. Great name. I highly recommend a book if you haven't already read it called "Warrior ,King, Magician Lover" by robert moore i think. In every man these archetypes exist. Not so statically, but in YOUR personal own way.

Anyway. 100 days. No porn, no masterbation, no orgasm. I know who i am. And i'll prove it. A great strength of heart and shine.

 

I went 10 days, lapsed and had a 4-5 day binge. Then went 11 days and relapsed 3x today.
12 years later and the same shit man its crazy. Or infact worse.

I moved countries just to get away from an abusive household now live in a good place and still lapsing.

I think the biggest trigger for me is racial humiliation. I get off on being called words like 's n***r, and various other racial humilation words. Because part of me sees myself as less than or being beneath white people, especially white women.

A large part of it is based on i guess movies and confederate flags, american history of slavery etc.. And the worst part is there are many real women out there who will GLADLY encourage and enforce my fetish. I think for me that is the saddest thing. If they would stop me and be like ' wait a minute no, your not a N word or this or that," I would be happy, but the fact that some women are are glad to do it, even if its for money, just hurts me so much that i want to stay trapped there.

 

I went 27 days then ‘decided’ to engage in the fantasy.

For the last few days I had been feeling a bit bad since I had a nocturnal emission a femdom dream (around day 24) I woke up and was pissed, after all the hard work. But after research everything said it was a good sign.

I had more urges throughout the next few days as I started to question if it was always worth it.

And so I imagined myself 3 months from now with a girl of my dreams on a beach.

this is the part that caused the lapse. I imagined what we would do in the bedroom since ( if I’m eliminating femdom out of my life I need to know what I’m looking forward to/ what is healthy/ normal for me)

I then thought back to past sexual experiences and realised how it made me feel every time the girl made a sexual move I.e kissing me or grabbing my Penis, etc…

I think part of me likes it, and this triggered the thoughts of the femdom book I read who’s whole philosophy is
The reason your attracted to the women you are is because you are aroused by her ability to be able to dominate you.

And I realised like wtf. Why do I do this 3 months/ 6 months of healing to get a nice gf only to have her dominate me/ I enjoy it her dominating me.

deep down I wish I didn’t enjoy it. So there is an internal conflict.

the porn and cam girls are no longer an issue I’m all about real life now.

 

This honestly f*****g sucks. After the 27 days lapse i went to see a dominatrix in person. the last time i went was over a year ago.
Trigger Warning-
We had a session and honestly afterwards she tried to get me to do something, you probably know what, and i was going to do it but i didn't and couldn't. I haven't done that thing in years despite part of me wanting to give in fully.

The biggest takeaway though, after i left was i just felt how i didn't even get any real pleasure out of it. The only part that i liked was having a female stroke my penis that was it. All the worship, foot fetish shit, did nothing at all for me. Afterwards i felt disgusted and went to the 7/11 to buy mouth wash and gum.

In the public bathroom i washed my mouth out about 10x, and tried to vomit out, thats how disgusted i felt with all that 'worship'. I realized i 'prefered' the virtual cam girls, sessions over the real thing.
How fking crazy am i now.

Anyway i went good 2 weeks, 14 days. Then lapsed. Felt bad, got back on the horse. Then went 16 days and just lapsed again going on 4 day binge.

This honestly feels so fked. And my brain feels weak aswell. The videos im watching are conditioning me. Andd all the humiliation i crave from these women, the abuse, and the insults racial or otherwise, are going through me and are starting to ring in my ears and brain. I feel weak and vulnerable.

And so i sent out a message to 3 'healers'. 1 got back to me and said she wasn't qualifed linking me to another ' more experiencedhealer'. So i clicked on her site and guess what, she offers a BDSM massage, and has a link to an onlyfans. What kind of fucking healing is that.

It honestly makes me so upset the current worldview on this shit. And how normalized it is. And worse how people like that could fuck someone up even more. So not that one.

The other one i somewhat resonate with, so will call her tmmrw going out on a whim.

The sad part i saw my going so different. I turn 26 in less than 2 months. I pictured myself on a 110+ day streak hitting 26, living the time of my life. Now i'll barely get 60 days by my birthday its so sad.

To keep stopping and starting, but i think now its only really hitting me how all those dreams and goals i had, the hope, the potential, are slowly fading away now that i see i'm getting older and still haven't even the 100 day fucking goal. All the goals i had to be pro athlete, etc.. going down the drain.

What a shame.

 

another 14 days, 2 lapses after waking up and having a wet dream. sigh/

 

another 16 days, and poof. 3 lapses. What a shame. All the women i spoke today, wanted me to go deeper and darker, doing more twisted things. "being a sub feels good".

 

What you are referencing is my 3 messages i sent out to healers, not dominatrix's. "kink therapists", Shamans. The rest of your reply makes no sense, since you completely mis-read my post.

Not really sure i understand your baseball analogy either. Thanks for posting though.