Finally Admitting Im an Addict

Hello world !

First and foremost I'm glad I found this online community!!

My story is not so different I guess. I can first remember watching porn at 8 or 9 years old through the static of the spice channel on my families "black box". I can say I've been intrigued since 9 years old . My first time masturbating was at 12 to music videos . I actually didn't fap to porn or watch much porn and link the two until high school (YouTube and free porn era just started). At first ages 13-15 I just was a daily fapper using my imagination and too young to realize I was addicted to the high. I've gone through phases of excessiveness with porn and "normalcy" and had girlfriends and relationships since then (4 or 5) and a few flings in-between relationships. I would say I've never been a sex deprived man but I've known that I wanted to stop watching porn since about 18. In my life id say I've averaged masturbating once or twice a day 7 days a week but there's been many times I've gone lengths (3 or 4 days) consciously and without realizing it. As a musician I've toured and abstained for many days sometimes over a week or two completely. My senior year of college at age 21 I decided to try and quit and I even reached 31 days (my all time record).

I'm no expert on science but I feel better and more driven in life and towards meeting women in person when I abstain from fapping all together. I feel like fapping actually drains my drive in life and all these years of over masturbation and porn consumption has now caused me to be less focused and disciplined in all aspects of my life. I think the a very real red flag was that even when in a relationship my sex drive had lowered to an extent and the flings I had between relationships where their wasn't much of an emotional connection I struggled maintaining an errection. I want to reverse the damage porn has done to my psychological association with the ability to get turned on before it enhances. 12 years of tapping to porn is a long time.

I'm 26 years old and my music career has taken a shift and I'm currently living with my parents. 2014 I left the band I was in and gigs for my new project have been slow. Combined with a very toxic relatonship that I was in between early 2013 up until december 2014 (later found out she has Borderline Personality Disorder) I did some soul searching and realized I spent a whole year broke living at my parents house chasing after a woman who has serious issues and realized I have some myself.

I fell into deep depression November through Jan.) Found out my ex was talking to my friend at the time secretly and hooked up with another man while we were together last year. I was so desperate that I still tried to make it work and slept with two other women to feel like things were even (immature of me ) but stayed in touch with her long distance after she moved for grad school and planned a new life with her only for her to tell me at the drop of a dime she found new love. ( I fell for her game). Between Nov and Jan. I gained 19lbs from compulsive eating and I was fapping to porn on average 3 to 5 times a day & lucky if worked on a song once or twice in a month. In jan I realized I was self medicating and have used Porn and masturbating the same way someone uses cocaine or heroine. I've gotten out of the depression and cut off communications with my ex and my former friend (been almost two months with no contact ) and cleared my mind of negativity. Even since lifting myself from depression in Janruary i've had some career setbacks , lawyers flaking on me, managers and industry people not responding to me etc. (Music industry b.s.). Even with these frustrations I've still walked closer to clarity and happiness. My first step has been getting a job (I go in next week ). And now I know my second step needs to be to rid my addiction. I know and believe I can do this but I'm also aware I need support so that's why I joined NoFap. I know that this bad habit being cleared up will help me in every area of my life, including creating music , getting my own apartment, getting back on the road, and forming healthier relatonships with women .

Other friends and people I've casually reached out to in the last few years, especially female friends, don't understand porn addiction and what it does to your mind. I'm glad to have a community that understands and am eager to support other people through my path to clarity. I've done a lot of soul searching and studying of underlying issues that have triggered my addiction and considered therapy but I felt I needed to start with something like this. Thanks.

I know I wrote a ton.

 

Thank You!!

 

Thank you for your words

 

Thank you. I have began looking for a therapist that I can afford and takes my insurance last week. I will continue the search.