Finally joined the movement

Finally decided to quit watching from a far and join the movement in support of everyone else here. What a strange journey it has been so far. I decided to abstain from PMO after watching Gary Wilsons Ted Talk speech. I thought that the only way to know if I have a problem is to see if I can stop. I started watching porn when I was in middle school and was a moderate user for a long time. As I got older my relationships became more difficult and I ran to porn heavily. Looking back I didnt even realize how frequent my sessions were. I had to do it while at work then once I got home. Thats when I knew something had to change.

A little backstory. I spent most of 2018 either depressed, lethargic or sick. I have always been an active person who competes in anything I can get my hands on. I was diagnosed with low testosterone after suffering from crippling anxiety and fear. Now looking back I wonder if the anxiety was brought on partially from no PMO during my sick periods. Withdrawal without intentionally knowing it. I went a week without PMO around oct/nov and went on a vacation and felt amazing! When I got back home I started binging again and the symptoms became exponentially worse. No appetite, depressed, anxious, suicidal thoughts, brain fog, fatigue you name it I had it.

I started my nofap journey in late november and felt great my first week. I was driving to pickup some dinner and started having the worst panic attack ive ever had. From there it escalated into full blown meltdown mode. Saw doctors and had a trip to the ER. My anxiety had gotten so bad that I had to break my streak and fap just to get my mind off of things. Maybe 20 min after PMO is when I went to the ER. Since my initial start date Ive relapsed once and muddled the waters a couple times. I thought it would be OK to listen to porn and not watch, but lets be real, same thing. I have not started my clock over since I have heard others say that although a relapse is bad its not a do over however it does make recovery take longer.

Since quitting I have made some great progress towards my personal life and relationship. The brain fog has almost completely lifter. My anxiety has become much more manageable. I used to have heart palpitations 24/7 and now they are rarely present, even during anxious periods. Digestion has improved as well as energy and focus. I must be in the middle of a flatline type of state as the depression seems to be more present. Going to the gym and taking some supplements has helped a lot. I was able to ask the woman of my dreams to marry me, she said yes. I will be leaving tomorrow for a business trip and I feel like I am better able to handle the anxious feelings of flying. From my initial start date i am around day 88. With my relapse I will be expecting to reach reboot or close around day 120.

I would love to hear from anyone and I look forward to more engagement on the forums.

 

I appreciate that more than you know.