Finding a girlfriend

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by sascharlf, Aug 21, 2018.

  1. sascharlf

    sascharlf New Fapstronaut

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    Hello everybody,
    I am new on this platform and i have a big problem. Since i am reading on this platform for quiete a while and i got to see that u guys are a great and supportive community i wanted to ask you something.
    Please keep in mind that english isnt my native language, so some grammar faults arent unusual.
    So...lets start with me first. I am male 19 years old and i live in a city with about 20000 inhabitants.
    I know how to dress, i am quite funny, i am average looking, i am a good listener and i treat everybody with respect. But i am still a virgin and i have never kissed a girl. I am not somebody who speaks often about things like that so bare with me.

    I really want somebody that is wanting me...that cant wait to see me after school...that just needs me in her life...i want the feeling to belong to somebody. I want the feeling to be needed and especially i want love. I walk through the city with friends and i am jealous of every couple i see.
    You may want to say...just go out and u will find somebody. But i spend a lot of time with my friends hanging out, playing dart or billiard and so on. I have male and female friends but its just a friendship and nothing romantic.
    Maybe it is because i am so freakin shy. When it comes so meeting new people in a group i am not that shy but when itcomes to talk to a girl that i dont know, i just dont have the courage to talk to her.
    I really hope somebody can give me some tips or even some motivating words.
    Sorry for that long text.
    Greets Sascha :)
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  2. Hello friend, welcome to Nofap!
    I believe once you start on your journey you will not only fight PMO, but also slowly build confidence and start working on another aspects of your life, such as self confidences and self esteem. You start taking better care of yourself and developing good habits, in the end it can all contribute to you overcome your shyness. But first I sugest you not to focus on finding someone else, but build first a better self.

    Good luck!
     
    Hitto and Deleted Account like this.
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    People are just people.

    Attractive and non attractive / big and small / tall and short / rich and poor / man woman boy girl transgendered / old and young / etc.

    The difference with someone that you're interested in is that you need specific outcomes to happen. You become overly attached and invested in someone you barely know. So you raise the stakes in your own mind and become excessively cautious and fearful of making mistakes. You're essentially trying to act in a way that you think that person will like you for. You end up hiding your honest self expression that you show to other people that you don't want to take anything from. When you aren't trying to own or control somebody, you're able to act normal.

    So what you really need to practice is communicating with people in general more. To be able to see that you shouldn't place somebody above you or place yourself below them and try to close that gap by doing something other than how you normally act.
     
    Yoshin, Hitto and Harsh Kumar like this.
  4. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    I think I need some communication lessons
     
  5. Freefaller

    Freefaller Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you have a social life and that is a major plus. Continue to go out and just be you. Like the others said above me, you will start to develop confidence as time goes on. Dart and billiards are very social sports. You truly never know when a gal and her friends may role through and need some other dudes to play with. You and your homies are playing and you lean over to the gal and say, "If you beat me, I'll buy you a drink." Then if you win, you buy it anyway.

    Seriously though, continue to do you and it will all fall into place.
     
  6. DoppoOrochi4

    DoppoOrochi4 Fapstronaut

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    Hey dog. I gotta say you might not be ready for a relationship. I say this because you imagine the perfect girl and thats a sign you dont completely love yourself yet. When you get to the level of self love where you believe any girl would be lucky to have me, then what she is like is not even gonna matter until you get annoyed by her and move onto the next.

    If you get into a relationship trying to make the girl into your perfect imagery i swear to you your gonna lose interest fast once she does or makes you do something you dont like.
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  7. WildPig13

    WildPig13 Fapstronaut

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    Two advices:

    In first place, I'm directly quoting what a wise man told me once: "Become who you are meant to be, by letting go what others think of you". That mere phrase gave my life a whole new meaning, for real. No further explanation needed.

    In second place, in order to evade yourself from what you currently are and besides start training a sport or something, find yourself a new hobby bro! There might be a lot of stuff you didn't ever think you could be interested in that none of your friends knows about either - ever since my last relapse I became addicted to watch this guy's vids (whose channel I came across by pure chance since I'm not that much into military stuff), for instance:
     
  8. tomsko

    tomsko Fapstronaut

    It is funny we want everything now - current society teaches that instant gratification is everywhere - but it doesn't work :) First thing to your challenge - IMO to get a girl it is just about psychology. You see a beautiful girl with a 100kg fat guy (and not because of money). You see girls that date with assholes (that don't care about her!). 1 main thing working here - psychology. Not saying manipulation (also a way, but not nice), but mainly your mechanisms of interaction, communication, etc - a lot here. It is easy to post general problem - I can't get a girlfriend when I am a great social person. But then there is just a little psychological thing that is holding you down (and isn't easily determined from your post) - there might be something in your psychology that works against you.

    Second thing - improve yourself. Like, you want a keeper in life. In order to do so, you have to become one. Continue on improving yourself, working on yourself, becoming a better person! Because... just because you want an incredible girlfriend, she isn't obligated to like you back. Become a special person. Just because you have social circles and a good-looking outfit doesn't mean you will instantly get a GF - that is average in these times. And being average won't get you A++ GF. So, work on yourself, become a better person. Model those who got incredible GFs - ask how they did it, behave like they do (Tony Robbins - Unlimited Power,, Modeling).

    Third thing - wait. Be ready with eyes open, ears ready. But don't force-seek her. It will only make things worse. She will come. But it doesn't need to be the first girl you find. Believe in god/universe/whatever - that you will find one. Have that strong belief that you will find that keeper in life.

    Fourth thing - be okay with being alone, with being only with yourself. Firstly, it is an incredibly important skill in life - yes, a skill that can be learned. Love yourself! I know that feeling that you would like somebody else by your side. But only when you are okay with yourself alone you aren't needy. Only when you find yourself okay with only yourself you don't seem like a creep that is afraid of being alone.

    You know the law of attraction - who you are, you attract. If you have some mental/psychological (problem), you will find a girlfriend with the same...
     
    koolpal and kingpietro like this.

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