Flatline, HOCD, Desperation

Hello,
I have been reading the forum for a while now, but now I have to write myself, because I need your help.

Currently I am 19 years old, I started to mastrubate when I was 13/14 years old to pictures of women or fantasies. At that time my real sexual attraction to women started and I got horny when I saw only a halfway pretty woman.

Trigger warning!
Already at the sight of the photo of a naked woman I went crazy, then I always looked at hetero porn, later also animals, in the end mainly young guys with old women and before I stopped, I looked at how men ejaculated (only 2 or 3 times, after that I always wondered what I was doing here wtf).

In addition, with time the attraction to women became less, but I noticed this only recently because I never paid attention to it. I have never been attracted to men (both sexually and romantically), I always viewed them as "bro's" and never fell in love with a man. I have fallen in love with girls a few times since elementary school, but the last time was when I was 16 (with my heart was broken, so to speak), and not since; I have never had sexual contact with girls, as I was always too shy.

About half a year ago I accidentally read on the Internet how harmful porn is for the brain, whereupon I abruptly stopped consuming porn. Certainly, the porn I watched at the end was also a reason for me to stop (hetero porn didn't make me as horny as before, however, ejaculations turned me on a lot). I spent up to two hours looking for a perfect porn to mastrubate to, never watching gay porn or trans porn as there was a "line" for me there, so to speak.

When I stopped, after a while I noticed that the sight or thought of women didn't excite me at all. Really not at all! Normally I always got horny at the sight of a beautiful woman in real life now but no longer. Then the thought came to my mind, "If I don't get horny from women, am I gay?". This thought did not let me go and from then on I was panic-stricken about being gay (especially because I ended up watching porn videos of men ejaculating). The first few weeks were hell! That fear has since subsided greatly, however I am constantly looking at "good looking" men and have constant thoughts of penises and whether I am gay. Meanwhile, it feels like I am bisexual or gay because I feel nothing when I see a beautiful woman. Due to the lack of fear with gay thoughts, it now feels like I am really gay. When I look at women I feel nothing, with men I have such a weird feeling, hard to describe.

I lasted a total of 35 days hardmode, but then relapsed again (to pictures of women) because I was afraid of becoming gay (during that time my penis was "dead", had 2 wet dreams about porn at the end of the 35 days). I haven't looked at porn since, but have mastrubated on and off. I have been back in hardmode for 7 days now.

I really have some questions and would be grateful if you could help me:
Was I maybe always homosexual or asexual and only fell in love with women through porn?
Will I get rid of these constant thoughts about my sexuality? Will I ever go back to the way I was?
Will I ever find women attractive again and fall in love with them?
What do you think I should do?


Important.
I am very burdened by this situation because I have always felt heterosexual and to some extent it would question my own identity. I have nothing against homosexuals, bisexuals and co. !
(I hope I used the right forum for this post).

 

Hey, thanks a lot for doing the work to write me such a long answer. Your message motivates me very much (and especially that I can talk about my problems here) and I have now resolved to write a kind of diary entry here once a week. In the meantime I have also found out that the strength of my hocd is related to my attraction to women. When I relapse, I get my "unnatural" (or maybe artificial?) attraction to women and my hocd almost disappears. However, when I stop porn and mastrubation, I feel asexual and my hocd comes back strong. Starting today, I will do my best to get away from porn and mastrubation.
Do you have some tips?
I am really grateful to you.