For the veterans - has your partner noticed anything different?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by nofapperinoz, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. nofapperinoz

    nofapperinoz Fapstronaut

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    Hi fellow NoFappers. I'm a newbie here but super motivated to stop PMOing.

    I'm not planning on telling my wife what I'm doing. She has never understood masterbation so we've just never talked about it, or porn. It's like that thing that we all know exists, but it just isn't talked about.

    So my question to the veterans is this: if you didn't tell your wife/gf that you were NoFap, did they notice after a while? Perhaps they noticed changes in your positive/negative aspects to your demeanour, your moods and energy, sexual performance etc?
     
  2. slipsonic

    slipsonic Fapstronaut

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    Bump... I have the same question. one of the reasons I started NoFap is because my sex life with my girlfriend is failing. Shes just never interested. I feel like I dont have the spark and drive to get her going. Great post nofapperinoz, I hope someone with experience replies.
     
  3. Soul Cage

    Soul Cage Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I can third that, my wife has no idea of my PMO struggle, neither am I telling her about Nofap at the moment. She has had low libido recently and I feel I'd be able to help her more if I could redirect my energies from my fantasy world back towards her. I too have been wondering though whether she will notice a change or not, I think it is even too early in recovery to notice a real change myself to be honest. But this is an interesting question. Once again I pass it on.....
     
  4. aron

    aron Fapstronaut

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    I can attest to one thing. Although I have told my girlfriend about me stopping PMO and taking on nofap, there have been some effects that we both, especially her, notices.

    I came here because I had a problem of delayed ejaculation. I needed a long time to orgasm, and sometimes I couldn't even orgasm no matter how hard I tried. After stopping PMO, my girlfriend and I noticed that I am more sensitive and takes less time for me to orgasm, and now I orgasm every time. This has been a great issue for me and I am glad that nofap has made it better.

    The real benefit I got from nofap came from me telling my gf about it. My honesty, me admitting I was vulnerable to fall in the trap of this addiction, my display of strength to fight it, and her decision to support me in this fight, all of these made my relationship with her so much more amazing. If you decide to tell them, I would suggest to wait until you have passed a critical point, like 30 days. Then you can tell them that part of your reason was for them: you wanted to stop wasting your energy on other women, etc. I won't deny it, it's going to be a difficult discussion, and at first they won't understand, but with patience they will learn to accept you and your decision, and they will be grateful that you shared such an important secret with them and feel more important in your life because of it.

    I can keep go on, and if you want I can write more on how to prepare for such a talk. But to be honest, not the extra energy or the extra sensitivity was the real gain, but the better relationship that came from exposing her to my addiction/challenge was the most important benefit of nofap.
     
  5. Soul Cage

    Soul Cage Fapstronaut

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    This video is a nice example of what can happen when a partner comes clean, I think it is one for all of us to watch... handling addiction as a couple... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDGwFlYFPqw

    Also thanks Aron that was a real beneficial post, actually I would like to know a little more about preparing for such a talk, if you don't mind sharing a little of your experience, maybe in a separate thread or PM just because I wouldn't want to divert the course of this original thread too much.
     
  6. slipsonic

    slipsonic Fapstronaut

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    Great feedback! I would also like to hear about some ways to tell your SO about this. Im afraid my GF has a hard time understanding things like this. At the same time, for quite sometime she has thought that the reason our sex life is lacking is an issue with her, by telling her that my hormone and drive levels could be part or most of the problem would take so much pressure off of her, that in itself could improve our sex life. I do think its a good idea to wait for the 30 day mark. Thanks again, great advice. :)
     
  7. nofapperinoz

    nofapperinoz Fapstronaut

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    Great post aron, thanks so much. Don't have time for a long post myself right now but I'd like to discuss further.
     
  8. DunellenGuy

    DunellenGuy Fapstronaut

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    The positive impact on my relationship with my wife is huge.

    First, as someone else mentioned, sharing my struggle with her has brought us closer. She says she feels more loved because I was willing to share something so embarrassing and shame producing with her. I feel more loved because she now loves the real me, not just the projection of me that I had been giving her before. Was it easy? No. But the payoff was worth it.

    Secondly, yes our sex life has improved. I'm not distracted by porn and trying to get her to do stuff I've seen in porn. And, now I'm ready when she's ready because I haven't PMO'd earlier in the day.
     
  9. aron

    aron Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad to be of help guys. I really feel your pain as I already went through this.

    I had made a new thread where I write in more detail about how to tell you SO here http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthre...O-about-nofap-Read-here-how&p=27147#post27147

    After you tell them, I encourage you to also write about it. I realise that this is an important topic and there is a lack of knowledge on how to properly do it. Good luck
     
  10. Madrileño

    Madrileño Fapstronaut

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    I can add that there are improvements not just in the sexual field. My wife and I had been having general relationship difficulties at the end of last year which I now attribute to my irritibility, lack of patience, losing my temper over ridiculous things etc.

    Since NoFap and no PMO from 1st Jan we have both noticed a much more gentle, patient, generous, agreeable me. At this point she is unaware of my PMO issues and nofap but is very sware of the difference. Not sure what she attributes it to but it's a big positive for us.

    Regarding to tell or not to tell, I agree that it's wise to be able to come with some achievement not just the problem so I'm going to wait.

    Anyway, improvments in sex but I actually think in our case that's actually not the most important thing.
     
  11. nofapperinoz

    nofapperinoz Fapstronaut

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    I agree Madrileno that improvements in relationships are more important than the sexual aspect; in fact, improved relationships will normally lead to improved sex life anyway. Even after the short period that I've stopped PMO I'm already noticing a calm come over me, as well as a much greater concentration span and the ability to really absorb information. I kind of feel like George Costanza when he's not having sex!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfbweoXX4wI for those who feel like a laugh
     
  12. Soul Cage

    Soul Cage Fapstronaut

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    Madrileno, a very positive story and good to hear, benefits we can all look forward to :)
     
  13. slipsonic

    slipsonic Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome! I'm on day 8 and I'm starting to notice the same thing. Due to our work schedules, I only see my GF on weekends. before Nofap, when the weekend was coming up I would think, "hopefully she has sex with me this weekend, if she doesnt, I'm gonna be pissed off", and it would really irritate me.
    She has a way of telling me throughout the day that we're gonna have sex later but then she falls asleep on the couch early in the evening and nothing ever happens. I beleive she really wants to, but I would get mad about it and still be mad in the morning, I made her feel bad for it way too many times, and I think that put too much pressure on her.
    But now with the weekend coming up, I really don't care as much. if we have sex, cool. If not, well I'll just enjoy spending time with her and hope that being patient, and the effects Nofap is having on me will get her interested again. If we don't have sex I'll just keep refraining from PMO and keep getting more awesome. :) It seems counter-intuitive. You'd think that Nofap would make me want and NEED sex more, but its actually the opposite, pretty awesome.
    Monday will probably be tough because that was always my worst PMO day, but I'm gonna get through it this time!
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2014
  14. Computer_Geek

    Computer_Geek Fapstronaut

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    The same happens in my life, Madrileno ! I am more patient husband and father for my four kids. This leads to a better sexual life, by the way.
     
  15. Soul Cage

    Soul Cage Fapstronaut

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    I'm totally with you on this, it is almost identical to the experiences and feelings I've been having recently, it's one of the reasons I started NoFap. I haven't been fair with my wife's loss of libido recently. As a way of justifying my addiction to myself I would secretly blame my compulsive masturbation on her not putting out, but I know now that it has absolutely nothing to do with it, this is a problem I have struggled with for years. I know it is not her because even when we do have sex it just causes me to want to masturbate more afterwards.

    However 12 days in and actually I feel surprisingly stronger, more patient and tolerant then ever, and I'm happy to wait as long as it takes for her to regain her drive. When she does I'll be ready and more focused then ever, I'm saving my energy for her, not wasting it on fantasies.
     
  16. slipsonic

    slipsonic Fapstronaut

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    WOW. I couldnt have said it better myself! I realized that my GFs loss of drive was at least 50% my fault, if not more. Women want to connect emotionally during sex and that became almost impossible for me while I was PMOing every day. But just this weekend after only 8 days of nofap (on friday) The second I saw her I could feel more of a connection, and she could definitely sense it too. I was also better at complimenting her without even trying, and we were constantly flirting and teasing each other all weekend. It felt like it did in the first month of our relationship, really awesome. After seeing the positive effect this has had on our relationship ALREADY, I have absolutely no desire to PMO. Its just not worth it.
    The feeling of connection with her was priceless, and 5 seconds of fake pleasure with a TV screen can not even begin to compare!
     
  17. Soul Cage

    Soul Cage Fapstronaut

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    Slipsonic: Sounds like some really great results going on there already, happy for you :) and you are right, the desire to PMO that once seemed so important begins to lose it's power when you weigh it up against the things that you stand to gain from not doing it.
     

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