I've got a lot of issues and I hope I can get some help. I hope I don't disturb you guys, but I've got a stupid, disgusting (I hate typing this word) vore fetish, which if you guys don't what that is, its a fetish for getting eaten alive. I don't even want to look at that word. I developed it one day while I was doing homework in our house without internet, and I'm not too sure if I'd like to explain how. I didn't think much of it and just did it to whatever urge I felt, but after me and my family moved, I either thought about stopping it or taking a break because I think I wanted some clean memories of the first few days at our new house or something like that. It only got far worse when I got access to the internet and stumbled across videos just for people with that kind of fetish. After I discovered those videos I wasted hours watching that stuff. Then I found out I could look up those pictures on the Nintendo Wii so I just kept viewing that stuff more and more and jerked off nonstop. I'm not sure exactly when, but at some point, I think I realized what I was doing and I've been trying to stop ever since. I've gotten depressed quite a lot thinking I'm never gonna do that crap again and then thinking "Maybe this ain't so bad." and then jerking off all over again. I think the longest I've gone without doing it is somewhere around six months, but I did it again. So far I've gone almost three months without jerking off and I'm not too sure about orgasming. I was looking up stuff about BDSM something like a month ago wondering why I even have this fetish in the first place and had an erection. I tried to pee as much as I can to try and get out that arousal and I think I might have had an orgasm. I'm also ashamed of myself for the fact that I met someone on a depression chat group to try and talk about my problems and continued chatting with the person through emails. I assumed it was a male, but later on found out it was a female, and then I accidentally cummed a little bit for some stupid reason. I feel so broken, and disgusting. and I can't even think of four or flavor without thinking of vore. I feel like I threw away my childhood innocence and wasted so much of my life and I get so sad if I think about happy innocent childhood memories. I just wish I didn't have any sex drive at all. I never want to do any sexual activities ever again. Last time I did it I recalled that I saw three or four YouTube vore videos with my brother at a very early age and then I binge watched a ton of those kind of videos because I thought they were funny or something. I'm not sure which came first though, cartoons with that kind of stuff in it, or YouTube videos, but I wonder if those Youtube videos had any influence. What do you guys think? I hope I don't come off as a pity party. Any feedback would be much appreciated and feel free to ask me any questions. Oh, and quick question for you guys. I just realized I was signed in to Facebook. My family won't see what I just posted, right?
Welcome to NoFap. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that took a lot of courage. No one here will judge you or think you are strange or dirty. We all have gone down stupid and dirty paths in our effort to escape into porn. You are not alone. The porn addiction causes us to continue to find new and different ways to escape, until one day we find ourselves getting excited about something we actually find disgusting, down inside of us. But we can heal ourselves, and this is the right place to do it. And no, I don't think you have to worry about anyone being able to see what you've written here, but in the future try to remember to open NoFap in a private browser to ensure privacy. I actually find opening NoFap in a private (incognito) window helpful in retraining my brain away from porn, because opening a private window used to be the first step in starting a PMO session. Now I associate opening a private window with logging on to NoFap and continuing my journey to sexual health. You'll find this community open, supportive, and non-judgmental. We need each other to encourage each other and help each other out. Again, welcome here, and I wish you all the best on your journey to health.
Thanks, its certainly nice to know you have some place to talk to about this stuff. And thanks for the tip, I'll remember that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to get rid of that stupid fetish. Even if I can't fully get rid of it, I'd much rather remind myself every day that sex is wrong and that I hate sex than jerk off, get depressed, and go mentally insane, because to be honest, I don't think I can recover if I do it again. My dad doesn't help at all since he's got a pretty dirty mind and recently discovered some Youtuber that shows off his collection of action figures and randomly yells out stuff like "Rub it!" and Squeeze it!", so now he says that at random times and thinks its funny. I also discovered that my brother looks up butt pictures and I think some vore a few weeks ago, which I was extremely disturbed and shocked by. Its kind of funny, the first time I found a trace of that stuff was when I was on his laptop trying to find out why Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds wasn't staying connected to our server, and when I was searching through his laptop trying to find the internet settings I stumbled across a couple of searches in file explorer related to vore. I got scared and quickly typed an m while my brother was there before he could notice anything, and then found the internet settings once I remembered what I was doing. The rest of the night I thought of nothing but those two searches, how I must have done it in my sleep, and that he would find out. I thought for a moment that maybe it could have been him, but I quickly denied it. While my brother was using the bathroom I looked up how to delete file explorer searches and found out how. A few months later I asked my brother if I could use his laptop since he was using my desktop. When I got on his laptop, I saw some text on the screen, which I quickly looked away from, then I saw the word masturbate and said "What the?!". After that my brother looked at what was on the laptop and said it must have been some pop up and that it looked like a flash game. I thought for a moment that maybe it was him but once again denied it and thought I did it in my sleep. two to three weeks later I was trying to setup Super Mario 64 Online on our dining room pc and stumbled across some a ton of extremely disturbing pictures of Gary's Mod related to butts and vore, which I was confused by because I the time they were taken was around the time he was playing, but I still thought that I must have made those in my sleep and deleted all of them in fear that someone would see them. One to two months later I was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 with my dad and was asked to take the dogs out. I saw him spawn Renamon in Gmod and was suspicious, so when I went outside I looked through the window and saw him make her do a sitting position, which made me grow really suspicious, so after we watched the movie I peeked at his laptop's browsing history and my jaw literally dropped as I saw a list of sexualized things he looked up. He even had what I'm assuming is a porn site favorited. Thankfully video games help me get my mind off of this stuff a decent bit, especially Nintendo games. Sorry if I rambled on a bit and wasted your time, I just haven't been able to share what's been on my mind with anyone besides one person who hasn't replied in a while. And sorry about the late reply, I share my bedroom so I don't get much time alone in here. The time I've had to make this post is pure bliss. Thank you for taking your time to read my post, I really appreciate it. I think I could have made it better, but I was kind of in a rush.
No need to apologize here, man. We are here to share and to listen. We need to talk about this stuff so we can defeat it. And we need to listen to each other too. Also, sorry for my slow reply as well. I have been staying offline and away from screens for the holidays, partly to practice being mindful of the present, but also to stay away from temptation. I hope you are doing okay with your reboot.
Hey, guy! Thanks for sharing... it felt real... Gotta make this quick, though. The more I (think I) understand about sex, including weird sex, the more I think that our earliest experiences cut the deepest and that they are hardest to escape. No shame here: it's just that way in general, I think, and it tends to happen long before we know better -- like with you. Again: no guilt, no shame; just kids getting into more trouble than they can understand. What else is new? So, one way to separate fetishes from healthy sex is not to feed the former and instead to feed the latter. This includes, IMO, that we have to embrace healthy sexuality.. not find all things sexual disgusting because we fear a fetish or even an addiction. So, your bro's looking up masturbation? In itself, that sounds pretty darn normal to me -- potentially dangerous perhaps (but then so is crossing the road), but unless he's addicted, self-destructive, prefers jacking to relationships, disrespects women, or is bitten by the fetish bug... it's probably not a WTF moment! We should like to love including the physical expression thereof. Also, since we're all so darn sexual as good as all of the time, let's not pendulum swing from euphoria to depression after each brush with M or O. We can just take a breath, learn what we can do to improve, reset the counter, and get back on the road to rebooting betterment, a (slightly) wiser man or woman It's a process, not an on-off switch, in my view. So...with regard to fetishes, in my experience it's best to (a) _reboot_ to get our minds out of whatever twisted sex gutter it's in so that we can reconnect with our purer capacity for emotional and physical love (in that order) and (b) completely ignore, disinvest from, and just plain "walk away" from the fetish(es). Like with PMO: no fetish "testing" from time to time. Good bye fetish: see you never you disgustingly sick MF! Best of success!
You're fine, Mindful Through Trauma, I understand completely. Thanks again for reading my post and thanks for replying. And thanks, Atlanticus, that helped a fair bit. I still wanna stay away from all things sexual, but that helped. What isn't helping is my older brother! First he showed me some video about some stupid furries Noah's Ark Movie a few days ago, and then he showed me some stupid commercials for a mobile game or two which had a lot of butts and chests in them because they're stupid and funny or something! Thankfully, I didn't see much at all because I used my trusty hat to block out the majority of it while still pretending to watch it. But I still saw some of it because he just had to show those to me and I didn't want him to see me looking at my hat! I tried to walk off, but he said not to go too far because there was mo I don't know, maybe I should've said I don't want to watch those but I was afraid I'd look suspicious. I'm just so mad right now.
