Hard journey hopefully will get easier

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Wolfgirl, Mar 22, 2020.

  1. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    I’m sad today because I feel like he’s hiding things from me. Not PMO, but urges and the way he feels. I wrote this:

    I’m just struggling to be the best I can and support my bf in his battle. Sometimes even when he just tells me that he had urges I become instantly sad, although I know I shouldn’t because he is still working hard to prevent relapse.

    In addition, a while back I watched porn a little because I thought it would help me understand what he was going through. Unfortunately, I believe that the porn affected me differently as I wanted to have sex with my bf more. Additionally, I now sometimes get urges of my own. Was this a mistake? Am I slightly addicted now myself? I didn’t MO, just watched porn.

    I feel that my boyfriends urges are getting worse again and I’m preparing for a relapse, but I want to prevent it as long as I can. Any ideas?

    In addition, today we had sex because he was having urges but wanted to have sex, and I thought that it would help them go away. Which it did, but then they came back by the end of the night. He is very tired now and thinks his tiredness has something to do with his urge, does that seem consistent with anyone else? Should I be concerned for a relapse?

    He seems to be in a state where he often thinks about other women in sexual ways and I know he doesn’t mean it and it’s his addiction talking. But it still makes me extremely insecure and sad. Especially because I often don’t know about it happening. He can easily be triggered by movies or (I think) even just seeing people on the streets. I have low self-esteem and self-confidence already, and want to maintain whatever confidence I have.

    Sadness seems to make his urges worse. Should I feel like I’m the cause of he’s having urges because I got upset at him?

    I’m really tired too so sorry if this is bad. I’m just paranoid of him relapsing because he doesn’t always tell me about his relapses. I want to support him the best I can.

    I read on one of his posts that he was having pretty strong urges yesterday. I thought they were minor. He also apparently had sexual thoughts about other women. It’s just sad for me. I’m just trying to support him the best I can.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    One thing couples who both post here sometimes do is to not read each other's posts. That sounds very difficult, but it may save you a lot of heartache as he works through issues with the support of other addicts. What's important is the man he wants to become and how he works to get there. Perhaps subjecting yourself to the detail of his journey is unwise since you need to focus on your own recovery from the betrayal of his prolonged porn use and on rebuilding your self-esteem?
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  3. I commend you for supporting your boyfriend so much...what I'm about to say, you're probably not going to like: Addicts don't change because they want to...they only (sometimes) change when they have to.

    ..

    You said above "he is still working hard to prevent relapse" -- I hope he is .. How much of that work consists of him trying to do it all by himself versus getting help/support from others? (not you) Has he told anyone else? a trusted friend / a pastor / a support group?

    Much of Porn Addiction's power is the secret / the darkness....bringing it to light--not publicizing it for the world to know--but genuinely seeking help outside yourself..with others--helps SSOO much.

    You can't do that for him..he has to want to do that. (maybe he already is?!)

    ..

    Going back to my first point: most addicts have to hit some sort of rock bottom, before they embrace doing the incredibly hard work of recovery. People lose their jobs for PM'ing at work or lose their marriages/families, etc. When the pain in the addict's life is greater than their fear of changing -- that's when true recovery can begin.

    ..

    I don't have too much advice for you except this: you cannot fix your boyfriend's addiction .. HE has to .. sometimes there is a fine line between supporting an addict and enabling an addict. I'm NOT saying leave him. But helping him, might look more like Hard Love / Bold Love than you are thinking.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  4. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    He has been reaching out to people in the forums and has told his best friend about his addiction. I don’t know if he hit rock bottom, but he has told me he has tried to quit for years, but our relationship has given him more motivation to quit. It seems to be a hard situation, but I think the best I can do is support him the best I can at this point.
     
  5. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    You are probably right. I find it hard not to read his posts. Especially his replies to others because I often come across them while looking at various forums. But I will try to stop and see how that goes. Thanks!
     
  6. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    If you go to his profile and click "ignore" you will not see his posts at all (even snippets quoted by others). When you are feeling stonger you can go to the list of people you are ignoring (here) and remove him.
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  7. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks!
     

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