Had few streaks past 2 months, i can cumulate 1 month in total, now going 6th day. But i wanna vent out a bit, i feel like i hate everything, all the people and myself. I dont give a shit i destroyed my life, it does not matter even if i had a successful life, why? Because i never wanted materialism, social life, family, clown ass jobs, all i wanted in life was doing something that i enjoy and look forward each day to improve and that shit is gone and not because of porn but because of my background and lack of opportunities. My current goal is working out harder, which is a joke. I dont give a shit being muscular but i live a jail type of lifestyle and i guess is giving some temporary thrill. Second is getting a better job, which is also a piece of shit goal, i dont enjoy materialism at all, if i get a lot of money i would probably invest in something to pile numbers while living in a shed and have holes in my socks, because i dont give a shit to own anything or impress some materialistic donkeys, why do i even fight right now for a job, i dont fucking know, if i ever become homeless probably i am just gonna run away in the woods and get poisoned with mushrooms. For me society is trash and shit and i hate people from my heart, i dont want to reach society standards, i dont want a family, i dont want to be loved, i am really afraid sometimes that if i break this porn addiction and become successful i might hurt a lot of people because my emphaty reacts only to kids or animals and the hate i have built is really heavy on me right now. Lets hope is just a flatline episode and if i reboot maybe my ape brain will enjoy more retarded activities like workout or jobs or love.
Maybe if i dont reboot i meant on last paragraph, piece of trash phone, wish i could throw it in the ditch and never have it again
Well yesterday kinda was a relapse day looking at my patterns but it didnt happened and i already live with a lot of anger, frustration and hate. Its not that i feel better but i can contain and manage the bad attitude today.
I think your goals and priorities are fucked. Somewhere along the way, this resulted for one reason or another. While I can agree with some of the sentiments you've expressed and the probable logic behind them, I find others to be concerning; not wanting to have family or someone to share your life with doesn't seem normal. It seems you have an unhealthy amount of bitterness. I've been there, done that. I'm sure a lot of us here have felt similarly to some extent. But I think you really need to do a double take or two and reevaluate some things.
I have a big fat cloud on my head for years. If i ever want a family is gonna be based on love, trust, transparency, friendship. I want my partner to be a part of me and understand each other with almost no words and both being constructive and supporting with each other being able to do non abusive sacrifices and maintain independence and freedom, yeaa thats one juicy idealistic paragraph. I take this or nothing, i dont want a family to breed a person like a dog in heat just because is a norm, i dont want to build a family around her sex skills or looks, i will not chase womans to settle, groom or tame them, i dont care about her status, money, reputation so i will never build anything with anyone based on interest. So why i hate family thing? Because people are donkeys and just wanna have their own little herd and exibit their limitations probably with the expense of their children mental health. Family implies responsability which i see it lacking in most of the families because of modern living standars being so high in which love, friendship, loyalty, trust fall after money, carreer , materialistic trash. So i am getting out of this piece of shit addiction, i fix my carreer, chase all these useless goals for what? To settle with a woman that will fuck off when she feels some superficial shit isnt working? Hell no. I am enough mentally strong to get out of this and i am not gonna bend for anybody, nobody was here for me to ask me about anything and all i do is only for me and after all this shit and half of my life wasted no stupid thing such as bending for a woman just to have a family will stand my way. Once i get out of this i wanna go volunteer to some children hospital, save money to buy some land and grow something and take care in holidays, this are goals i will enjoy and cannot do right now because i am poor and unreliable piece of trash when i relapse. Its not that i hate family thing 100% but you can imagine me like dr House from tv show, my legs are fibe tho
I'm with you. But the difference is I am now OK with these feelings, no longer so angry and bitter. Some of us are just destined to live on the edge of society for whatever reasons. I've had it all, marriage, family, career, church and all that status bullshit...now I am alone out in the country with the dog and basically don't give a fuck anymore and that's what it took for me to start "recovering", just not giving a shit anymore and being OK with it. I pretty much say whatever I want and do whatever I want. The most important people in my life are my four adult children, their spouses and my two grandchildren and FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE! Fuck the neighbors, fuck everybody in town and fuck all the politicians! Having this attitude and being calm and confident about it has helped my recovery tremendously.
I hate my life as well but I've kind of accepted my place not too long ago... Also struggled with feelings of hatred, yeah.
I didnt respond because i relapsed like a piece of shit. Getting my head straight now and go clean again. You hit home with your lifestory, i always felt i dodged a lot of crap, the hate will go away once i feel strong again. Hate is a low inferior feeling which i am aware once i am on top of my life and have full control it will get released. Regarding family and kids, even if i divorce i will fight for that kid to have at least half time with him, i dont really give a shit of a woman leaves, nothing changes. Glad you are healthy and strong, luckily i have a nice neighbour in his 70 that have bees and we talk a lot, really nice man. Its nice to have a little connections, but in general i dont care what neighbours think about me
There is no place to accept, the universe didnt evolved so much to accept a piece of shit feeling like hate. I will overcome it because i am a strong motherfucker. I am just at rock bottom right now and when its not porn this ape brain is busy with hate, anger and frustration. I am stubborn like a donkey and wont let hate shape my life, sometimes its overwhelming but not everyday is sometimes. Fight for your mental state. There is nothing to accept if there isnt an agreement, compromises are first step to failures.
