Having a crush for 3 years - This needs to stop

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Pluto, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    You don't know how it is loving a person so much that it lasts three years. She has the most perfect looks I've ever experienced. We don't have any contact, she even doesn't know of my existence. I only accidentally (I am not a stalking idiot) stumble on her profile pic on Facebook. Seeing her with her boyfriend crushes my heart. It gives me the energy of hate, I feel like I've lost everything. Since 3 years she determines how I am feeling. Since 3 years i am more and more worse in school. Since 3 years i never felt inner peace and true happiness. Since 3 years i can't laugh easily (expect I am smoking weed, then it's like before that shit happened). I've lost myself, I don't recognize myself anymore, I don't like what I have become. Since 3 years i got to think about her everyday. I will love her forever. But this shall stop. I must become what I used to be. Motivated, funny and crazy. Not lethargic, boring and depressed, full filled with pure hatred and misanthropy. Obviously I don't want any therapist because money and no time (school). I want to travel deep inside me and to solve the problem out of the inside. I want to unravel a knot. But how? Lucid dreaming? Meditation? Hypnosis? Please tell me HOW?
     
  2. Tekkadan

    Tekkadan Guest

    You should consider getting some counseling or read book such as "Letting go" by Tracy Cabot or "Intimate Connections" by David Burns. Unrequited love is dangerous, you should get it out of your system as fast as possible and to be honest, better leave this girl alone. Think about how she would be feeling if she knew how you were thinking about her this way. Focus on your school, there's plenty more women later for you.
     
  3. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    I know this is completely irrelevant but I had dreams in which I expressed my feelings to her. It always had a happy ending and i felt "normal" (like before I had a crush on her) again.

    Nice try, focusing on school was the cause to supress my feelings for her and getting a depression/OCD/paranoia. So, no this is highly unattractive.

    I know this sounds ridiculous but i simply can't imagine being with another woman. I saw the goddess of perfection, all other women are below her, sorry I simply can't, it's like i took heroin and then i changed to weed.
     
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  4. Tekkadan

    Tekkadan Guest

    This ain't no love. Love requires two people. She ain't your love. She's his love. Your problem is obsession and fantasizing. I've given you my suggestions. What you do with them is up to you, however, continuing in at your current course will lead to pain and rejection.

    Also, don't blame school on this. School's your future, school's your freedom. The better you are now, the more freedom you can have later for things like dating. You're only. 19, you got no idea what's waiting for you ahead.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2017
  5. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    This is gold. I simply want to get back in time, i wish I would had the balls to ask her out. Her boyfriend looks very simmilar to me btw, so maybe i would had a chance.

    But this is past. Past will never come back, this is what scares me. It's also because it was simply a time of being a normal guy who was motivated to get shit done (GPA 2013 - 3.8 -- GPA NOW - 2.5). I was simply another person, a very positive person. This is what I miss. I simply wish I could do some hypnosis or so and just waking up being myself again.

    The best cure would be to forget about everything what happened in the last 3
    Years.
     
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  6. Tekkadan

    Tekkadan Guest

    I'm no professional, so you should really try those two books out. They talk about this topic in much more detail. Don't think about "What if" or "I should have" either, because you didn't it. This kind of thinking keeps the obsession alive. You gotta have an honest conversation with yourself and convince yourself that this isn't going to happen with her. Focus on your future and stop pushing away your future lover(s) by being stuck in the past. If you really loved her, you wouldn't care who she's with as long she's happy. We are here to find our happiness. Only obsession wants to possess a person, that has nothing to do with love. True love means being able to let a person come and go as they please without trying to hold their heart for yourself. Don't deny her freedom, even if this is just in your mind. Practice more self-love as well.
     
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  7. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

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    It seems that you love the IMAGE OF HER that you had made in your imagination, not the real her - because you don't know her. Or you are in love with her body. Maybe you had mistaken love for sexual desire. It will lead you to frustration and sadness and you might end up in pain. You must understand how weird is this situation. Cut yourself off her profile immediatelly and try to understand your mistake, cos it can happen one more time in your life and will lead you nowhere.
    And yes, meditation is the good way to go deeply into yourself and to start healing you emotions. But give yourself a time to recover.
    I'm speaking from my own experience.
     
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  8. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    And I thought I was having oneitis as a teenager. At least I was friends with the girls I unrequitetly fell in love with (for up to two years).

    It's just a picture. It's not even a real person. It's a picture that is burned in your mind somehow, because the moment you saw it it gave you an impression that you apparently needed, and now you can't get over it. You said that you won't seek professional help. I didn't want any when I had my problems at your age, too. But I second that you should at least educate yourself by reading a book on the subject as recommended above.

    It might not feel that way for you now. But so far you have only experienced what's in your head. Love feels entirely different went it gets out of your head and into the real world, where you establish a real connection with another human being.

    You need to cross a huge psychological threshold there; I wish you the best of luck in doing so and I hope you will be able to look back in a few years and see not only how unexperienced you were, but also how much your surrounding (family and/or society) have shaped you into being that way. That's not who you really are. Using the wisdom I have now, I sometimes look back to my old teenager days in mere disbelief.

    One more thing: Does anybody else know about this? Do you have friends you can talk with?
    ...and yeah, meditation and lucid dreaming are great practices which help you deal with your emotions, but I suppose you need to have a certain basic discipline to make them a regular and actually effective habit. It is easy to imagine being an enlightened super hero is a great thing; it's harder to get there.
     
  9. Look I had feelings for someone for 6 years. I was CONVINCED we belonged together. He knew how I felt and our relationship turned toxic. But I was meant to be with him, so overcoming this was just part of the plan, right?
    Eventually I moved on. But it took a long time and a lot of heart ache realizing he wasn't as nice as I thought he was and that I was becoming mean myself. I dodged a bullet there (and so did he, tbh). I know "moving on" is SO HARD when you're infatuated with someone but you need to. People are flawed so take a step a back and see that.

    Before Mr. Toxic, I found my "husband" at 8. I liked him for years too. It's easier to excuse this behavior when you're younger but at some point you got to recognize an unhealthy personality trait. Don't go down the unrequited love rabbit hole. It does not end well. You'll find someone who loves you back.

    But you have to be patient. It sucks, but that is the way it is. I have faith in you, man.
     
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  10. lostandfound

    lostandfound Fapstronaut

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    You are building her up way too much in your head. The more you lust after her the longer you are going to be stuck in this state. I too used to have a huge crush on a girl that lasted for years. I would constantly fantasize about her and thought of her as the perfect girl. If I wanted to get aroused I would just think of her. Since being on nofap my opinion has changed. Although I still find her very attractive I realize that she just isnt for me. We dont have much in common and frankly she is not that intelligent of a person. I soon began to think how could this girl have so much power over me just because she looks good. Its crazy. How shallow have I become to let this happen. Dont let your fantasies get ahold of you because they will out run your control. Stay in the present physical moment and get out of your head.
    Good luck man I wish you all the best!
     
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  11. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    This is really really very disturbing because it's so real



    This is also real, I don't know her, I project all my hopes in her, that's why I crave her
     
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  12. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    Stop smoking weed and stop going on Facebook. I dare you to just drop them both completely for a month or two and see what happens. I'm not going to say you have to do those things to recover, but I guarantee it would help you, even if it's hard and causes some pain and withdrawals at the beginning.

    What you need is real things in your life, whatever that means for you. Jobs, sports, outdoor activities, goals to work for, saving up money for something you want, learning a new skill, volunteering with people, going to church (my favorite tool to keep me in touch with reality), joining a club, whatever it takes.
     
  13. bigbuford

    bigbuford Guest

    Man...I have been there man and I did not even have the block of a boyfriend to step in my way. I never asked her out ever altho I did tell her I liked her...she wasn't even slightly interested lol. However that was back in high school, now as a full adult I appreciate at least not focusing on her anymore. Tho it does suck cause she's a lawyer and I never graduated college lolol. She is clearly not interested in you cause she has another guy she is very involved with. Move on my friend, if you are on a small campus and she is the only girl there, then it sucks but just wait. Keep working out and I'm if you are but stay away from P as well. It only makes the fantasy in our minds worse. Make up a hobby if you must.
     
  14. Altaier

    Altaier Fapstronaut

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    Bro don't give a damn crap about her.. there so many b**ches in the world . The fact she has s boyfriend means she might had many before . Forget about her and just remember how bad she smells when she takes a poo! Try to remember stuff makes u feel disgusted about her and focus on our enemy here ..no PMO. Eventually you will be more confident and you will find the right girl.. find someone who never had boyfriends , someone that only wants you and you want her . All the best
     
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  15. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    Don't think so: I felt in love with her when I was 15, she 13. Her friend (who is since 3 years the same one) is, I guess, her only boyfriend she ever got.

    Literally the same what my dad said me

    Have done it 3 years ago, has lead me to depression/OCD/paranoia
     
  16. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    I'm also no professional, but I couldn't agree more with all the things these guys have said, especially @Tekkadan 's "Love requires two people"
    I used to be in your shoes, I really did. For me, from ages like 13-15 I loved this girl at my school so much it hurt just to see her talking to any guy. I realized after about 2 years at just standing back and watching that I didn't even know how to approach her and talk about anything, much less how I felt. I still haven't told her, but she's dating a close friend of mine, and I could not be happier that she's with someone who's cool and who will make her happy. She's still beautiful and everything, but now I'm 17 and I know a lot more (I have not experienced everything haha, I just know more than I did 3 years ago) about myself. I have recognized that she's just another beautiful girl among the world of beautiful girls around us. I now know that she's probably never going to be with me, and while that's a little sad to realize, I'm glad I did.
    All this is to say there will be other drop-dead, heart-dropping, jaw-dropping beautiful girls in your life, but staying stuck in this world of obsession with no action is a dangerous place to exist my man. I wish you the best and every single person on this website is there for you as well!
     
  17. Anonymous24

    Anonymous24 Fapstronaut

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    I know how you feel I briefly dated a girl at the start of middle school (year 7) and since then I've never been able to get over her, plus she dumped me for my friend which then became an enemy and we had a year long argument before I gave up. By then though the whole school knew what and happened and it destroyed what little confidence I had. I still like her now 4 years later (year 11) and have only been able to start to talk to her alone again even though she was part of the group I hung around with all the time, but I think she still likes my friend who no longer likes her, who I still talk to and somehow hang around with and she knows about my feelings for her ( rejected me 3 times) and I understand how it hurts and until now I put her on a pedestal.

    Luckily the school has forgotten about the whole fight etc. by now. And my friend is actually kinda sympathetic.

    My tip would be to stop idolising her, im not gonna say move on because I know that's probably not possible but every time you think about her count to three in your head and by three make yourself think about something else. It helps you get on with your life without imagining your life together all the time etc. Keep an open mind and don't pass up any opportunities for a chance to be with her, maybe if your lucky she might go to you but don't make it harder on yourself by being hopeful.

    I hope this helped, good luck
     
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  18. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    You know the strange thing? Every time I feel this emotion of "not getting what I want" (means a girlfriend or simply sex) I get this kind of rush of energy, it's difficult to explain. Usually/Rationally seen I shouldn't get energy from it but I get. Yeah it's not a good feeling if you're 19, unkissed, virgin, etc. But on the other hand I try to stay positive in some kind of way. Many of my old friends got girlfriends, they changed. Contact is lost, they are like a complete other person. Like "I am the only one of the older time". I am still (kinda) genuine
     
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  19. legolas_01

    legolas_01 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Pluto!
    I had a crush for someone during months last year. I thought she was the perfect girl, that we are born to be together and all that stuff. But I had to travel to another city for a month during the summer. When I returned, you know what happened? I forgot her. I stopped thinking about here every time and I realized that she is not that perfect. I was happy. I think because I was too busy during that month and because I met many people, I realized that there are other cool people on Earth and there are a lot of other beautiful and kind girls. Maybe travelling could really help you too!
    Good luck for the future!
     
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  20. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

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    Tomorrow is the day at which my childhood ended. It's been 3 years since I thought to see her with her crush (I don't know actually if it was her current boyfriend though, probably I guess). Because I thought that she has a crush and that they'll come eventually together, i have decided to completely give up. Since then, I have never been the same again. The only place my ego AD 2014 is still existing is in my dreams at night, every time I wake up I feel the "differentness" coming and changing my mindset. I am currently a less humorous person, I laugh extremely roughly. I just don't feel the "rush" I used to feel. You know these 2000s College-Rock songs (like Sum 41 - In Too Deep). This rush you get when you hear them. Imagine feeling this nearly all the time, this was me before her. Gosh I was so super deep into my hobbies, now literally nothing. I also started watching P in May 2014, so there is 100% a correlation too. But as said I began to feel shitty already before, maybe this was the reason of starting watching P, and thus P worsening everything. 3 years and not fully rested yet. Depression, OCD and paranoia can change someone highly. I wish I could just wake up in the good old days. Or to forget everything what happened in the last 3 years. "This will pass", "There are other girls", etc. Stop. This won't help me. When will this pass? When I am 76? I need help to let it pass, but what kind of help?
     

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