Hello there, new Fapstronaught here

Dear samnf1990,

I am very new to nofap and as I already could remark my view on the things is not the standard view here. I want to comment your post nevertheless. At the end one always has to find its own way that lies deep in one’s self. Experiences of other people, hints and advises can only be sign posts on your own individual way.

In my view and according to my experiences living some sexual fantasies is more helpful than just trying to erase them. I can imagine that for many people a so to say ascetic way is the best for them. Ascetic for me can also mean living with a partner, not being single. I think if you can live a sexuality full of true love with a partner you really love, without having the need to integrate special fantasies or whatever, you have already come very far, and probably even farer than the ones who banned sexuality completely out of their lives because they cannot control it.

But to get there can be very very difficult. And I suppose that it is hardly possible to get there only by not PMOing and not thinking of one’s fantasies. Each fantasy has a certain background. And that background has not only to be porn. I want to encourage you to name those fantasies here – not to describe them intensely of course, that of course can be a strong trigger. But if you just name it, I think it is ok. Naming things is often helpful. The things are there, have a reason, have sometimes a message and want to be seen. Just behaving as if they didn’t exist can make them stronger.

I for example have a light foot fetish. I love it to massage and kiss the feet of a girl. There are girls of course who think that liking feet is perverse and would never let a man kiss her feet. But others like it to have a foot massage from time to time. Or they like it that they can give you a special pleasure by letting you live some of your fantasies with them. When I was younger I was afraid of telling the girls with whom I was together of my special preference. But that didn’t make it better at all. With my wife I finally lived these fantasies. They have not vanished, they are still there, but they have much less impact on me, since they have a right to be. I could accept them and now I’m fine with it. My wife is fine with it as well. She would love me with or without that special part of me. If she would ever come up with some fantasies or new ideas I think I would always try to help her to make the experiences the desires.

Of course your wife must be able to choose completely free if she wants to help you with that. If you have an expectation that she does s.th. special with you or would be angry or feel rejected if she doesn’t she would have no choice. Then it would not be free. If you just ask her and don’t expect a yes or a no and if you can give her time to think about it, she can decide on her own. And if she wants to do it with you, where is the problem? May be she enjoys it more than you do at the end?! My wife for example enjoys foot massages today more than I do. I massaged her feet may be 50 times and then nearly had enough. But she got to know how great foot massages are and right now is even more happy then me when I massage her feet.

I think it is great to be open with one’s own partner, to share the own desires, the fantasies, the wishes. Living those fantasies together can even bring you closer together I think.

For me PMOing or MOing with photos of my former gf, now wife was a great experience. She gave me even some nude photos of her as a present. I loved them. But if I look back I would indeed say that for someone who has a PM addiction it is a risky way. Even only fantasizing about my gf and only masturbating without any images for me was not helpful. Since M is connected for me with a broad range of fantasies it was difficult not to let in other fantasies as well. And the habit of masturbating was kept alive. Right now I want to let go of this habit. But for me the main point to stop PM is not to stop betraying my wife – if watching porn is betrayal – but to stop wasting energies and to stop staying in a dream state. But it’s like with the fantasies, I think living, making experiences is in general better than only thinking and supposing what might be. Do you have the impression that masturbating with images of your gf is harmful? Do you love her less? Is watching these images a trigger for you to watch other stuff as well? No? Then you might be able to do and enjoy it. Find your own truth, reality and way!

I’m only onmyway…

 

Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?

 

I don’t know if the urges that you are describing will pass or lessen with sustained abstinence from PMO. Probably nobody can foretell that. I think you can just try it and see how the things develop.

According to my experiences you should not talk to your wife about that issue. If you would do it I think you would shift your problem to her. Right now you have that inner conflict. If you tell her about it you will probably feel better since you have been honest. But she will probably feel worse, not only in the moment when you tell her, but probably in the future as well, each time when you two are together anywhere and another beautiful woman is passing by. Feelings and thoughts of not being enough attractive for you, fears of losing you one day, reasonable jealousy and all that stuff might arise in her. And that could really become dangerous. If you try to solve that problem by yourself or at least to endure it, you accept responsibility for it. Otherwise you shift it at least partly to her.

Concerning the guilt you mention I think that you should not feel guilty. I don’t know where you are living exactly, I suppose in the western world. In my view the western world is much sexualized. Everywhere, in the TV, internet, on placards you see erotic women. If you are still young and study at a university or a college you see hundreds of girls each day, most of them dressed at least a bit sexy, some really sexy. To get sexually aroused as a young and healthy man sometimes is rather normal I think. Feelings of guilt will lead you nowhere. What you can do is trying to stay aware, not to look after each sexy skirt that is passing by, not to follow these sexual thoughts, but to think of something else. Meditation can train that ability not to be a victim of the own thoughts, but to have the choice what may enter the own mind and what may not.

This is my opinion. I wish you all the best for your journey!

 

Although it may be instinctual to view what you see as attractive, it has been a taught or learn behavior to consistently how you have discribed. If it was purely an automatic behavior to view all women as you have described, one would view all women including family members. It may take time to change how you view women but it is possible.

When you begin to see porn as your wife sees if, for yourself, it will become even more important to you to change your behavior. We can change for someone else but it tends to be more meaningful and lasting when we are invested in the change for ourselves.

Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips which may help you along your journey.