Hello, this is my introduction [trigger warning]

Hey fellow Fapstronauts,

wow, I'm nervous. It's the first time ever that I introduce myself in an internet forum and pretty much the first time I write to the interested public, what's cracking, what's wrong (?) with me.
Hm, don't know where to start - so emberrasing ... maybe start like this: "Hi all. My nickname is Hyperlord and I have PIED."
I will type like the words are coming to my mind and don't look back ...

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I'm now 38 years old and started masturbating to porn (~ 14yo) way before I met my first real girlfriend/girls at all (~ 18/19yo).
I've had pretty low self-esteem, was that typical computer nerd guy, the girls approached me to do their IT homework but for anything else they quite often fooled around and kid me.
Pretty early on I developed a fetish - Cumshots - and pretty much realized something with me isn't normal as my (male) friends found out about that by my filesharing at a LAN party I hosted back then.
And yeah ... I was like 16yo and already had like 100 GB of Bukkake (there is a big German label for that which made it even worse because I understood all those filthy dirty talk way more "direct" and it turned me on like hell).
I was convinced that I'm the perv in the gang and was seriously hoping noone (especially girls) would ever find out - dreaming and fantasizing about glazing my school crush and the IT class girls ;-)
Looking back with like 20 years distance I must admit, this might not be the best situation to develop a healthy approach to sexuality.

Fast forward - I got my first girlfriend (she "took" me after regulary visiting the trainings of my inline/ice-hockey team I was in) and after being together with her for like 5-6 months we had sex, it was the my first time, it was over pretty quick.
We were together for almost three years and had good sex, even two threesomes (FFM) where in for me.
During my year of duty at the military, she cheated and dumped me. Later on I found out from a friend of her that she was talking about how disgusting she was by my cumshot spleen.

Now, the situation got worse. I was now convinced no girl on earth does like my fetish and I pretty much defined my entire sexuality by that! It was the beginning of a strange dualism in me - ashamed by what turns me on and (what I was thinking) is needed so that I feel "satisfied".
What followed where years of multiple times a day/every day fapping, I got into the clubbing scene, never got (and pursued) a one-night stand (waaah! talking to actual girls! no no no!) but got so much pleasure to edge for hours after returning home (and coming down *ähem*) and explode in huge eruptions.
There the multi-tabbing started - and the search for the "holy grail of cum". Oh ... and man "Cumblast City" and "Monsters of Jizz" pretty much blasted (lol) me.

During this "dark days" ... okay let's be honest here ... during those "dark years" I was unable to approach girls and was only able to talk to girls that belonged to the crew/friends. I was very lonely with myself and became more and more depressed and grumpy. Somehow this became my persona for quite a while and it "proteced" me from girls that might have considered approaching me.
I thought I was a perv and kind of "sick", but not a bad person per se ...
It happened that one day a friend of a friend brought a friend to our regular weekly meetings at a bar and it was the time I met my future wife. We got along so good and I liked her personality a lot! Her pretty looks was no concern since I had already trained me/conditioned my brain in the past years that "no, you won't get that girl and she will run off and tell all her friends when she finds out about your sick fetish)".
That (not wanting to end in bed with her) helped a lot to develop a healthy relationship ... and it came that she offered me to stay at hers because it was closer to my workplace. We did that regulary and after a while she wanted to have sex with me, she undressed herself and I was absolutely stunned by her beauty. Remember, a girl out of my league ...
It happened we called that a "friendship with benefits" and I felt like a freakin' rockstar "staying at hers" almost every day. I moved out from home and to her and the friendship became a relationship. She accepted my fetish, got used to it and (future me here: loves it) totally changed my mind. I somehow knew I will never ever need to find "another girl" since she is the perfect match for me. I married her after 7 years of relationship (we are now married for 8 years).
She was never into porn, hasn't watched any/much and had no intentions to do so. We developed a stong connection between us.

Okay, "cool story, Bro" - why are you here? Isn't a wife like that saving you Terabytes of porn?

You might have guessed it ...
It came that my wife fell in mild to deep depression for years, lucky it hasn't had anything to do with her husband. She was not able to sink into a sexy mood, she was not feeling so well. As a couple we worked through that and she came out even stronger. That process took ... 6 years.
In those years we haven't had sex. I didn't want to "pressure" her with my "needs" and was very happy when I sometimes was allowed to pleasure her with tongue or toys. Her libido came back more and more.
During those years, I relied on porn and masturbation - and I hid it from her because she told me once that she "can't compete against those porno girlies" and it upsets her. I definitly didn't want her to feel that she has to compete with them, or any other woman out there.
Everytime she left the house to do the groceries shopping I fapped like three times in a row and needed 10 sheets of kitchen roll to clean me and the area around me.

In the last couple of months we engage more and more in bedtime activities. I didn't quite realize that our favourite is I would call it "mutual masturbation" - that's why I didn't notice it right from the beginning. She told me that she likes to masturbate way more than fucking and that she thinks she doesen't have to rely on that and needs that.
At first I was like "yeah cool I like that more than sex, too" but in me a thinking process kicked off...
Around new years eve we were so engaded in masturbating off each other, she kind of edged me for hours because she remembered me telling her this is needed to build up a huge cumshot - and she wants me to be happy and satiesfied. She was doing "all of this" pretty much for me! She told me that she is feeling good and brave to try out new thins. She hung up a mirror opposed to the bed - I was feeling like a porn star and was totally turned on by what I see - it reminded me so much of those typical blowjob/handjob scenes I racked up Gigabyte-wise.
I spare you the details but she succeeded. We've had two weeks off together and only switched between bed, kitchen and couch for days. Then she asked me if we could watch "one of your porn stuff together" and I was the most happy guy on planet earth (finaly I can playback the 4k compilation on the big screen in the linving room!!) - until 30 seconds in. I saw panic in her face. I immediately switched the TV off. It took her 24 hours to be able to talk with me about what just happend.
She told me she obviously is not yet ready to "face explicit scenes" like that, how "the girls look like in those positions" and ... that is the most important part I think, "how normal all of this seems to you, you didn't bat an eye and instead got hard in seconds and literaly sobbing". This was not meant offensive by her and I thanked her so much for her feedback. Her last sentence was an eye-opener for me and from here it went downhill for me. I moved all porn away from my PC, onto an USB drive, disconnected that drive and moved it into a cabinet. I need a break from porn, because I love my wife more than anything else.

It came to a situation where I wanted to have sex with her and in the moment I got that thought, my erection faded. She "rescued" everything of course with her heavenly handjobs but demage has already be done. I noticed I was unable to put a condom on (loss of erection) all of the time. I thought it's just because I/we are "out of practise" a bit. I already felt there was a lot more behind my newly introduced ED. She was wearing a sexy outfit we bought together recently, it is pretty elegant and not showning too much skin. We were not able to get my dick up. I told her it's not because of her, it's me thinking about going back to work and shit like that.
During that time I noticed that I pretty much don't "feel me", I can't feel much when her grip around my dick is not "hard" ... vibration is doing NOTHING with any part of my body. Opposed to her - I can tickle her with the tip of my tongue and her entire body begins to move, she has goose bumps, things like that.
I wanted to understand what is happening with me. I searched the internet for stuff like "me wife doesn't turn me on what's wrong" and after days of reading so many stuff and stumbled upon the term "flatline" and finaly found out about PIED and what is going on with me. I've had stopped porn for like 14 days there when I got that insight. My journey began a last weekend as I'm now totally convinced to have found the source of my ED.
Of course my wife noticed during the last weeks that I have no libido and ... yeah no erections. I talked to her, made clear it has nothing to do with her hotness and I have to/want to work on my perception, cognition.
I want to have sex with her again, that's the mid-term goal. I want to develop my ... our true sexuality. I want to look behind the curtain of 23 years of Cumshot fetish.

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I'm glad to have found resources and the right place/space to be with my problem - and the expertise of others who successfully rebooted and rewired in a relationship.


Kind regards

 

I forgot to add that I started a log in Microsoft Excel two days ago (dating back to 2024/01/01) - my entries are German but since it has not soooo much content (yet) I consider translating and continue in English. I host my own cloud service so it's not an issue to share the file.

 

Thank you for your nice welcome and the well-meant warning about social media, @Be Inspired

Hi @Operation Change and thank you for your warm welcome and those very good questions. They really hit a nerve here.
I've never talked with anyone about that and therefore it was refreshing to ask myself this - especially question 2 and 3 belong together more than I had thought. Since this day is quite fiery already I had to take a walk and a night of rest to think about it and will answer them tomorrow.

When I'm honest to myself I might have underestimated a little bit how this whole cumshot conditioning might hinder the reboot process (when not going for Hard Mode in the first place)...

 

You are absolutely right in wondering about degenerative effects during long edging sessions. On physical side, I'm kind of "blessed" by strong (up to heavy , depending on arousal and how far I'm to the "point of no return") pre-cum effusion. I've used lube (or derivates) rarely. There were times, especially in those mastubation sessions after clubbing, that I fluctuate between 50-90% erection for a very long time (2+ hours) and masturbated very "lightly" for sensation purposes; oh and to hold me back from getting off too fast and enjoy the whole "process" as long as possible. Most of the time I entered those dreaded "vidz rabbit hole" and doing so on purpose - because deep insight me I searched/looked (and knew it will come sooner than later) for some kind of "perfect match" (I like the look of the girl [they are strangely many many times not the same type as my wife is lol] visually, she appreciates/is surprised by the volume of cum shot over her body, not just facial [I facialized my wife the first time after 14 years of relationship and only after she repeatedly invited me to do so]). When this happens, my arousal (without touching) went from anything to 110%, raging boner, I have to kegel like a superhero to not ejaculate hands-free immediately). I was dissapointed when a session "ended" because I "overshoot" and could not cum on my terms - at the same time being exhausted and overwrought. I'm not sure if this answers the mental side/aspect of your question..?
When I was coming down together with my wife I could PIV her multiple times but couldn't cum until masturbation/stroking heavy "at the end". She loved those prolonged sessions. She was taking contraceptive pill in that time so I never noticed problems putting a condom on and stuff like that. We quit all pills like 9-10 years ago and, yes it is as sad as it sounds, trying sex just since a couple of months so that I noticed my ED.

I accidently gave piece of the answer already in the first question I guess hahaha so much words going through my mind way too fast

I "discovered" edging by accident during my military service. I was able to drive home almost all of the weekends, the first couple of months meeting my girlfriend then, the rest of the time alone after she dumped me. I thought about that time in a reflexive manner the first time after reading your question yesterday. Before the military I went home from school, parents were working, so "take your dick out and party time" almost every day. Then, suddenly, 5 days a week in the same room with 5 comrades, a lot of running around and action during daytime, totally exhausted by night. No fapping. So it was my first kind of "NoFap" experience every week. Of course the volume when cumming on the weekend was very pleasing for me - obviously not so much for my girlfriend back then - too much for her since she was already disgusted to a high degree by my habit and definitly an apsect that lead her to the decision the get rid of me.
When I was newly single (and mentally wounded of course ... first girlfriend, first break-up) and Friday evening returned home, it was m lying comfortably on the bed, USB mouse connected to the laptop sitting on my belly and doing what I described above. When I allowed (or was too exhausted) myself to cum it was like a gyser or fountain. It was like an awakening - I can spray like my teen hero (Peter North). I can ejaculate like a boar. This sensation and wish was like a semen (oh wow) that was planted a long time ago and is now starting to sprout. I think more on that topic is suitable in the next question.

I had a sprawling "Kopfkino" (brain cinema? fantasies) in that time and could edge or masturbate just by closing my eyes and immediately I had a "scene" in front of my mind's eye that started innocous but escaltes quickly - depending on "how hard I want to blast that babe", skipping almost the entire "intercourse". Like I did with the porn movies (not the cumshot clips).
Interestingly I was never able to fap to a fantasy involving my wife up until this very day! I noticed that early on after meeting her and married her regardless.
That's why it's not working anymore to get a boner with her after quitting porn. I'm now deprived of my fantasies.

I can't thank you enough for this question. I never asked me this. I avoided that.

I discovered pretty early on that I must be alone with my cumshot affectation and those couple of friends (at that time - no contact to anyone of them since 20+ years) made pretty clear they "prefer other things". They didn't denunciate me but it was never spoken about (while I was present I guess lol).

I was so convinced that "normal girls" wouldn't enjoy being cummed on by me but that was just an aspect of that whole "don't want me anyway" thinking. I discovered quite soon that not every guy can "shoot" like me ... you guessed it ... by porn. I watched a lot of amateur porn because yeah I don't know; the girls were more "next door" to me. Same for teens. Some made me so horny I ejaculated fountains of cum but the guy in the video is just dripping a small amount of sperm on his girl after having had "fun" with her for 20+ minutes. This was totally not understandable for me because for me "drowning her in cum" started to be linked with my hornyness towards the girl. You might have noticed - never cum inside her, never have her swallow. For me, that is a "waste"! (still is today - that's why I refrain from "quick wanking" pretty easy most of the time)
So besides enjoying a lot of porn I went ever deeper into the topic of "cumshot performance" - I noticed I'm not normal with my capability regarding volume (above average) and distance and got completely absorbed into enhancing/maximazing my "talent/skill".

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My wife once asked me "what turns you on the most with your Cumshot penchant?" and the first thing that came to my mind, knowing it is not the whole truth, I answered to her "the view of girls with lots of cum on them, dripping off them at best".
After I spray my wife she showcases my "oeuvre" to me but I never ever got hard (again) by that view. That is something I don't understand up until today.
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I watched some Gangbang stuff in that time, too. And of course this is an constant flow of sensation for me - skipping all that PI[V,M,...] and going straigt to the moment the guys take turns cumming on her. I imagined myself in such an act - would I be the first one or somewhere in the middle to spray my cum on that sperm craving hottie? My "goal" was like "okay, 5 guys already glazed her - how surprised would she be if I could shoot the amount/volume of those 5 with my cumshot?
Would that make me the alpha cummer? Would that make me a "shooting star" instead of a loser wanking all night long and have fear meeting real girls or worse, ejaculating on them?

If you are familar with "Monsters of Jizz" I mentioned in my initial post, and now please don't laugh - it took me years (not kidding) to notice the cumshots are fake (CGI, pina colada pumping and so on ...) and that was my inducement for a long long time - they are called monsters and not humans of jizz for a reason, you know?

I discovered "Kegel exercises" to help me with prolonging PE/orgasm at all and building up the "load" - it is important. You don't have to do this for hours with mentaly and physicaly exhausting edging. I have to be at the point of no return 2-3 times and it's enough for the "maximum output".
I trained 10+ years to contract the PC muscle and abs to accomplish shooting my semen 1,5-2+ meters (6 foot?) far.
I found out whats inside those "Maximum pills" and discovered the ingredients needed in my diet and supplemented what's needed to enhance the production (and quality) of my ejaculate - how much I need to drink every day.
I did that all for "myself" and dreamed about an ocassion, where I would meet a girl [my type] that I want to shoot my semen over her with maximum compassion and deliverance - "showing" her how much I adore her, how much she turns me on, how hard I had to come because of this.


When you want to know more and/or have more questions please please please feel free to ask them, @Operation Change - while I wrote all of that above I haven't had any flashbacks or "visuals" yet so I guess it's safe for me to engage self-reflexion and answer them honestly.

 

I am really really sorry and want to apologize for going so explicit and detailed - I got carried away, slipped and obviuosly forgot for a huge moment, where I'm posting this.
I won't edit my post, not because I'm lazy but because it's a prime example of how f**cked up one's brain can be corrupted by P
I will definitely tone it down from now on! Thank you for reminding me

This is heartwarming, thank you, much appreciated! I left military and over the course of some years most of my traumata behind.

She does like it but doesen't need it like I do ... I guess? She spurs me somethimes verbally when she sees how "extra turned on" I am when I'm about to cum and she really enjoys my satisfaction/enjoyment when I (finaly) can't hold it longer or decided to "give her the juice". For her, this is totally ok and kind of casual/normal; linked to her husband - I was honest about that from day 1 to her and she wasn't disgusted and got used to it. When she doesen't want to receive all the load over her she used to tell me that - or she finishes me off and "aims", so that I rain down on myself
The volume or velocity and all of that doesn't play a role for her but she knows exactly, how important it is to me - and all she wants is that I'm happy and enjoyed it.

 

The end goal for me is to cure my PIED, to experience, develop, understand and maintain what's real libido, to get an even deeper connection with my loving wife and to have sex with her again after all those years and for future years to come.

This quite sums it up if I think about it.

Coincidentally I've had a cool talk with my wife today about pretty much the same question - she want's me to go for Normal Mode first before switching to Hard Mode if I think it will be neccessary for my reboot.
We already feel closer as ever (and engage in more and fun activities together already, outside) since I quit PMO (3 weeks ago) and we will see how (long) my flatlining will go on. But she is in for "romantic weekends"; without any pressure or specific "outcome" - just two lovers spending time together, cuddling and fondle and kissing like it was in the beginning of our relationship - we both have had forgotten ...

 

I read about that book in a thread here and decided to buy it instantly.
This book/technique/understanding has the potential to be crucial for my progress and success.
It helps me to seperate orgasm from cumshot.

It arrived yesterday and I couldn't wait to read into it
I'm not sure when to begin "excercising", my wife suggested to try it out next weekend, I think I will safe us pain and misery in rejecting that offer, flatline ...

After the last two weeks of reading in this forum I'am already at the point that I have to abandon my cumshot fetish forever or I will be kind of depressed forever. It's not cool for me on the first glance but I will sacrifice it ... I guess.

I also bought "Karezza, jenseits der Lust" from Alexander Silva. When I can control my ejaculation I think I am ready to try Karezza. My wife is not (yet) convinced/commited and I know too less (yet) to bring up good reasoning ;-)