I JUST got finished watching porn. *sigh* So I signed up for this site to get some help. It’s been almost 20 years. Started when I was I was 14, and now I’m 32. Back then, stuff I couldn’t stand looking at in porn is basically the only things I look at now. Really shameful things. In 2008, I decided I was completely through with pornography, but I’m still at it. I’ve tried NoFap before on my own and the longest I could go was 3 days. By day 4 I’m a total mess, angry, intense about everything, it’s really like coming off a drug and I always go back and it feels better than before. I really hate myself and everyday I ask myself why am I alive, why is anyone alive? But luckily I come from a really religious background where suicide is no option or solution. I may be taking it to extremes but porn is a problem I have on top of the chronic illness that has left my body deformed and left me very very insecure, lonely, and self conscious. I’ve kissed one girl my whole life and I’ve never had sex. I’ve dated, but I’ve always been scared to make a move because of my self-image and self-esteem issues and because of my porn addiction. I just feel like a complete fraud anytime I go somewhere, like I just had dinner with my friend last Friday and we talk and laugh and everything is cool, but in my head I keep thinking about how she would just get rid of me if she knew I was watching porn everyday, and the type of porn I watch, everyone I know would disown me. I live with my family, I think my brothers know, but there’s no way they’d ever confront me. I wish someone would. Which is why I’m here. I was even going to put my real name as my username so people would actually know who I am. The way I pretend to be, the work I do, the high horse I always seem to be on, everyone I know would be shocked. (But no I didn’t put my real name). Anyway, I’ve babbled enough. I’m ready to stop for good. I’m so nervous and just thinking to myself that “this is pointless” and I am thinking to just delete this right now and forget I was ever here. But I really hope this is not pointless. I’m here, and I need to really fuckin do something about this. Tired of this.
Hey there! Glad to see that you've decided to join Nofap. If you ever feel urges to PMO, you can always use the emergency button here on this site!
Welcome. It is so frustrating when we let ourselves down over and over. This porn compulsion is such a difficult one to master. It take so much wherewithal and patience. I would encourage you to stop believing the lies you tell yourself. You are not a failure. You are merely a beginner at recovery. You are not worthless, you are of infinite value and have a life worth reclaiming. You have done a courage and noble thing by admitting your problem here publicly. It takes balls to look in the mirror and say that person you see is broken. Dont give up on you so fast. It will be interesting to see how you change if you stay on this journey. I know your life will be better if you stick to it. Don't give up man, be kind to yourself. Welcome aboard, glad to have you.
Thanks! I’ve already downloaded the app and will be using the button, pretty much, later on today. First few days I suspect gonna be terrible again but I’m ready to fight through.
Thank you so much! And I’m not always so down on myself. I am right after PMO. But it’s the next day and I’m back in the same cycle where I’ll feel that urge to go ahead with pornography at the end of the day. But today I’ve started a reboot so I will be talking positive to myself in my head all day and I will be ready to not feel sorry for myself later and fight my urges. I will be taking a look around this website to immediately get involved and join some groups for accountability.
What a story tom, Im thrilled to see you changed, youve had very tough and getting out of it will be tougher, make sure you push through the whole fucking day even if you feel like tearing earth apart, just keep plowing through it, and if you can, i suggest you stay away from the internet during your start, if you job/hobbies allow that, even if you have to tell someone to change the password and not let you know until after a certain period, and if you can try to ask encouragment from people around you. we can do this brother, just keep looking up how you can rebalance your bodies chemicals and frequent these forums, its time for change.
Thanks a lot brother. I must admit, just talking about this with people for even just the very short time I’ve been here is boosting my confidence in this matter. I’ve been reading stories and people’s journals so far. Tonight, imma go ahead and start myself a journal over in the other parts of the forum. None of us are alone, I’m sooo happy to have someone/ones to relate to about this, my problem. OUR problem. And we must fight this enemy together as a team. I do use the internet a lot for my work, it feels amazing to get started joining this site: Day 1. Let’s do it!
