Hello

Hello! I'm making this forum in order to talk about my mental health like HOCD aka SO-OCD. I'm a girl and straight, or could be bi-leaning straight. I don't remember when my HOCD started, but I think it happened at the end of July, like words telling me "what a sexy female body", "this girl is hot" or something like that, but at first I think it was "I'm not bisexual" and "I'm bisexual". I've had a few gay thoughts in the past and I was 15 when I started having this (I'm now 16). I'm in a relationship with a boy, whom we've been friends to a couple in 2015 when we studied in the same class. Just as I started having HOCD, I didn't know what was going on as I was starting to lose my attraction to the opposite sex and to my boyfriend. I tried to please myself with pictures of men from Google, but that didn't work. My attraction to men has been decreased, but the attraction to women has been increased. In my first grade of high school, I felt like I had an attraction to a girl, but I was jealous of her art. I don't know if it was a false attraction or something else. When I tried to think about straight thoughts, it felt like I was disgusted or just numb, but I didn't puke and I never had this feeling of hating every single straight thought. I keep analysing my past if I ever had attractions for women at a young age. I had straight sex fantasies in the past, as well as straight romantic fantasies. I keep thinking if I'm actually forcing my attraction to men this whole time, but there was one time, when my parents and my sister were talking about my boyfriend, I blushed, so how can it be a false crush then. I'd think about myself and him getting married and having kids (possibly). I cannot lose my boyfriend like that, I just cannot let that happen. Any thoughts? It's been a year since this disorder started. I've also had thoughts of me being a bad person and a good person at 13, and going to Heaven, or Hell at 14.

 

Thank you. It's been a year, so no luck after all