Helping him through this

Hi. I’m new here (very glad I’ve found this place).

Back story: five years ago my mothers cancer came back and I really struggled, I was pretty much her only caregiver as my sister lives on the other side of the world and there is no other close family. As her disease progressed I got more withdrawn and distant, the last six months of her life was traumatic and I really struggled to deal with loosing her (it was the end of last year).

At the time I registered that my husband was wanting sex less and less but I was too wrapped up in my own grief to care (part of me thought he was just being gentle with me, part of me wondered if he was getting what he needed somewhere else).

In November a friend made me talk about what I’d been through (I am not a touchy feely, talking about things kind of person) and I realised I’d been so wrapped up in myself that I’d let myself go, pushed him away and neglected him.

I made a real effort for a few weeks but things weren’t working at all, he didn’t want sex, was tired and the few times it got that far he either couldn’t get or maintain and erection. Eventually I couldn’t take not knowing and snooped on his phone.

I discovered that he had been watching a lot of porn over the last couple of years. Nothing hardcore, very little even paid for, mostly the sort of stuff that if I’d found on my teenage sons phone I’d give him a talk about not objectifying women and how it’s not real and then move on. But he was watching early in the morning and in the middle of the night while I was asleep, and while he was at work. The previous few weeks while I had really been making an effort he’d watched between 1 and 2 hours a day!

I confronted him and told him that we had problems that we had to work through. I also asked if he had gone any further - chat rooms, sex workers, affairs. He denied doing anything other than watching porn and I 100% believe him. I know that he wouldn’t do that to me, he felt neglected and found a way to get what he needed without risking being pushed away.

He hasn’t watched anything or masterbated since the end of November now and in some ways we are closer than we have been for a long time. We had a week without any sex of any type. We’ve also worked hard to try and get our relationship back over the last month, a lot of messaging each other during the day - silly jokes, lyrics from songs, memes and the odd flirty message, snuggling on the sofa in front of a film, taking the dogs for a walk together.

Now when we have sex he can get and maintain an erection, sometimes he takes a bit of ‘encouragement’ to get there but that’s happening less. But he struggles to finish almost every time, he says he feels like he is almost there but then nothing happens.

We had a good talk last night and he said that things hadn’t been working normally for months now. So he had been trying to fix it by watching more, which led to things working even less normally, so he’d watch more……

I, obviously, convinced myself that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’ve got stretch marks, a c section scar and a couple of wobbly bits…… basically I can’t compete with the women he was looking at. Which he realised and, I think, upset him more and makes him feel pressurised.

I’m just not sure where to go from here? Do we have a break from sex again? Carry on as we are but ignore the fact that he can’t finish? I’m trying very hard not to make an issue of it but I don’t want it to end up as something that sits in the corner of the room and eventually puts us off.

If you made it through all that you probably deserve a medal!

 

Thanks for your replies. Apologies for not responding sooner. I’m not sure if this would better moved to the journal section, hopefully an admin can advise and move if so.

We have 2 children and have been together more than 20 years (married for 17 of them). He was a typical teenager when we got together with a small collection of magazines but he got rid of those when we got together and says he felt no need to look at anything until the last few years. I completely understand what pushed him to feel like he needed it and my part in it.

From what I’ve read I think he is completely into a flatline now, there is just no interest at all (which I’m accepting has nothing to do with me at all!). I did go through a stage of thinking that if I just threw myself at him, bought nice underwear ect that it would kick things off but he has said that it just increases the pressure and guilt he feels.

I have an understanding of the cycle in addiction - recognising there is a problem, going cold turkey, feeling better for a while, going into a dip, self medicating to get out of the dip, being dragged back into addiction. (I never thought growing up with an alcoholic would have any advantages but it seems it does). I think he is in or approaching the ‘going into a dip’ phase and I’ve said that he needs to be strong and open with me. If he feels like taking ‘just a peak’ to see if it makes him feel better than it is the start of a slippery slope and will make things worse. If he feels like that he has said that he will tell me and I have said that I will be there for him to distract and help him.

I did also say that I’m going to stop asking for sex completely, and emphasised that he mustn’t take that as me being angry, trying to punish him or loosing interest in him. Rather that I’m trying to take any pressure off that he might be feeling and I’ll be there for him when he is ready. We tried the other day and he lost his erection very quickly so I think he was feeling too much pressure (he said he felt that he had disappointed me and hasn’t had an erection at all since).

Might be a ‘how long is a piece of string question’ but how long could this flatline last?

And would it be worth him going to the doctor as well? My uni days drummed into me that correlation does not equal causation so even though it very much seems that all issues started with him viewing p, got progressively worse the more he looked and got really bad when I found out. Could it be a symptom of something else?

 

thank you

 

Thanks, I was reading about the chaser effect. It’s part of the reason I’ve said that I’m not going to ask for sex for a while, I’ll still instigate affection - cuddles, kisses, even sharing a shower - but no touching below the belt and no trying to seduce him. It’s up to him to tell me when he feels ready and wants it.

I think I’ve been trying to replace his need to P with me. Which probably isn’t healthy either, I should ask for sex when I want it not because I’m scared he’s going to slip if I haven’t, and he should want to have sex because he wants me not because he feels like he need to prove to me that he isn’t doing a bit of DIY.

 

I think he realises that he got carried away with how much he was watching and he definitely knows how much he hurt me. But I do wonder if he feels it is more ‘one of those things guys do’ and, while he maybe took it a bit far it was only ‘looking at videos of girls in sexy underwear - that’s not even real porn!’

I think he feels that his inability to get or maintain an erection, or orgasm when he has managed. Is more a sign of something medical than porn addiction, he actually has a doctors appointment for this afternoon.

 

Thanks for your input.

I’ve told him that it’s made me feel very self conscious, which is not like me at all. I’ve always been quite happy with my body. He has said that he has always found me attractive and that he never meant to make me feel like that.

Thanks for sharing, it’s very useful to have insight from the other side.

 

He has booked a doctors appointment and is going this afternoon. I think he feels more that it’s a sign of something medical, whereas I feel it’s a combination of desensitisation, withdrawal from pmo and feelings of guilt for the hurt he has caused.

Whilst I’m very pleased that he is taking it seriously, he is not the sort of person who sees a doctor willingly, I’m really worried.

What if it is a sign of something medical? He seems to have latched into the ideas that it could be a symptom of MS….

What if the doctor basically says that watching porn is a normal healthy thing to do? What if they say that I, as him wife, have no right to try and dictate what he watches online, how much and who he masterbates to, and that it’s a problem with me?

I’m so scared that either way it’s going to give him the green light to start again, only this time because he’s been caught out before he’ll be more sneaky. And because stopping for the last month made things worse rather than better he’s going to go further, watch more and harder stuff. And because its not a ‘him’ issue but rather that his wife is frigid, unreasonable and controlling he’s not going to care that it hurts me.

I think that today is mostly going to be about distracting myself until he’s back from the doctors. I never thought I’d wish so much that I wasn’t off work this week.

No need to really reply to this - I guess I’m just getting things out so I’m not bottling it up!

 

So he went to the doctor and, as I suspected, she completely dismissed the idea that porn use could lead to erection problems. I’m not sure how much he went in to the amount he had been using or how it had affected me (and therefore our relationship and him mentally) but he said she found it almost amusing that I thought that it could be a factor…..

She has booked him in to have some blood tests for testosterone levels and PSA levels. This will be potentially followed up by a prostate exam. For some reason GP’s don’t take bloods so he has to wait until the 18th for an appointment with the nurse to take bloods then another fortnight for a follow up appointment to discuss the results. Of course we’ve both now been Googling prostate problems, and, well you know how it goes when you Google health problems - you can convince yourself that a mild headache is a brain aneurysm!

Whilst I love the fact we don’t have to pay for healthcare at the point of receiving it here, I hate the way everything is so slow!

I find it really annoying that the doctor was so dismissive about the idea that it could be psychological. I mean I’m no expert when it comes to the male brain (what woman is!) but even I know that when it comes to matters of their genitals and sexual prowess men have fragile egos, add to that feelings of guilt, shame and remorse, and potentially pressure to perform to ‘prove’ their commitment to their partner (I don’t think I’ve given him the idea that he needs to prove anything to me with sex but the brain can be a funny thing). Given all that I can easily imagine how it would be a factor.

We did have a good talk and I said that even though the doctor said it wasn’t due to porn use he can’t take that as a green light to go back to old habits. I said that I just can’t deal with the way that him watching it makes me feel and I can’t accept it in our marriage. If he feels like he is going to slip I will help him but he needs to ask if he needs my help and be strong himself (I can help but I can’t actually physically stop him). He has promised that he hasn’t watched anything since I found out (over a month now) and says he doesn’t want to risk the way things are between us now by going back there so I’m hopeful.