Hi from Montreal! Subscribed today!

Hi from Montreal!
The title is quite self explanatory. I just subscribed today. I want change. I want to change.... and I need help.
I found this community existed less than a week ago and I instantly related. I could not get the concept out of my head. I already had the desire to reduce and control PMO habits by the past but each time I let it go. I almost relapse between the time I was subscribing and the time it took to start this text. I have a problem. I've been conscious of it for a long time, with my share of more extreme ups and downs. I need help. And that's what I'm seeking here.

I've been an avid guitar gear/ music forum reader, but never used or participated in any forum anywhere, so I don't really know if it's going to be efficient. I hope so much.

I'm an open guy and please don't be afraid to tell my anything if you think it will be constructive. I also have a great sense of humour and by the way, I really like Frank Zappa, if that can relate to anyone. I'll try my best to remain clear as french is my main language... but I see this as a way to practise my english!


More about me also: I have a diagnosed post-traumatic syndrome, severe and chronic. This led me to avoid people and direct me toward my computer and sleeping a lot. I do not take drugs, but don't do sport either. I hope to get better with people and a bit of that pass by getting better with myself. I want to stop escaping life and get back to manage my life, passions and also friends. I often feel ashamed that I neglect our relationship and blame it on the fact "that's what it is to get old..." ... which is not that good of an excuse... and not for everything. I want to "get back" at least to what I would consider an acceptable minimum. I want to feel more active.

Please, do not hesitate to ask me any question or share any advice.

For those who want to know, my name translated in english means " The hardest is the beginning." A good example I can relate to is that on January first, I started to grow a beard. I still have it now and like it and it was such a process to go through! I found I've put some focus in the process and I think it could be similar with my NoFap endeavour !

MY FIRST OBJECTIVE IS SMALL BUT IT'S THERE: MAY FIRST!
Two weeks.
Never done that long since my puberty...


Is this even a reasonable goal for my troubled self? I know I can be such a f*cker toward me when it comes to "rationalize" and justify PMO....

Here's how I approach the process: the same as with my beard:
As I reach my reachable goals... I'll push the enveloppe further. I might even like it more and more...!!


Let me know you're present and hear from you!!

 

Thanks for your presence guys!

Septimus, nice journal! I have already read things I can relate to.

Oh sometimes, Life makes things in a way...
I've recently passed a roommate that was hiding an addiction... One day, I opened his bedroom door and he had a crack pipe in his mouth... He later told me he had accepted temporarily to "do a run" (sell) just the time he gets back on his feet.... So I gave him the chance to walk the talk... And I observed him... struggling with his addiction, isolation, even paranoïa... while sinking himself in contradictions... The worst lies are those who come to believe they're own lies...

Still, he stayed at my apartment for 3 months... He was always paying what he had... but it came where we had to part ways. I threw him out... but I had too. It was draining me too much. Like I told him: I did it for me rather than "against him"... And he understood.

All this to say... I'm not the worst, but I've seen my little share of shit with addiction. This is just a story among other and I wrote it to express that I don't lie to myself. I think this will help me. That kind of lucidity can be hard to bear sometimes, but I've seen enough people literally going crazy.... literally losing their mind... because of addiction. I heard things like " I feel I'm wasting my whole life because I can't control me..." These are serious things to say...


Also, I am really happy I subscribed yesterday and already have a little feedback. Just that. Just your little presence, like and comment .... It made me feel stronger. NNNOOTT AALLOONNEEE in this struggle. Isolation is a cause and an effect. I am here to break patterns and make better ones.

I'll try to use what I've seen as a motivation to help myself and to realize more of my potential... A potential I KNOW I have. I want to help me to help others.... and your presence give me even more determination.

Also, I thought that emergency link was a good help for breaking the "minding" when I'm on my computer. I've put the link in my favorites and I have already used it a few times AND IT WORKED FOR ME!

AS MUCH AS I'M NEAR ANY PORN SITE... I'M NOW JUST A CLIC AWAY FROM GETTING BACK MY FOCUS! What a great idea and tool!

 

Hi Septimus and Byeoldfriend!
It's been already - and only...- two days and I almost failed today. I managed to get back to my calm, but only came back to resolution after an almost complete edging session. A good thing is that I was able to pass through it but that made me think and realize things I would like to share with you.
By the way, as I told you in a previous message, maybe this exact thread is not the good place to do so, so could someone maybe help me by pointing where and how I could start a thread like a little journal of my evolution?


By observing my behaviour today, I realized that the emergency link could be helpful, but it might not be enough. That's why I want to exchange with others. Tell my stories and have a feedback. That 's the involvement of accountability I guess. I want to make this additional step further in this community, avoid some illusions I could build up to remain alone and break a little more my isolation.

I read also the nofap introduction stuff and some journals but I want to get more active in the process. Specifically, can someone please help me further the accountability partnership.
I am really a newbie on forums. I mean "functionnally." Do I have to push each time "reply" to any of your post if I want to you to notice my new posts as its answer?

Hope you understand me.

Thanks!

 

Hi to all!
I sure want to get involved, but to each their way of doing it. I don't want to get scattered in too many ways and I can't logically read and reach everyone in here. I wanted to have some feedback fast at the beginning and I'm really happy to see it's working since Thanks to all! I will try my best to answer people as my familiarisation with the process goes on.

I wanted to tell you that you you were right about the edging part. Edging is PMO' ing.
I used to focus more on the orgasm part but you were right. I even involved for no PMO on my counter and I wanted to thank you for being frank with me about my counter. Really.
The best support I get is from the friends that are able to tell things I might not necessarily want to ear.. but that are true.

ONE THING TO MY DEFENSE THOUGHT! I'm really not in favour of lying to myself BUT, I've let that edging session go without restarting my counter. Here is why: I'm still familiarizing with the process ... and that includes the engagements that I involved into. I am willing to let that edging session go... because it was my first one... I don't want to go too easy on me and I don't want to lie to myself. I WILL be able to reset the counter if I eventually relapse. For that time, it's just that I was not fully aware that it also included looking at porn and masturbation .... - even if I setted the counter for it-. I do allow me this chance.... but NOW, THAT CHANCE IS GONE. Still, it's been in my head since and I want to use it a reminder... that EVEN LOOKING at porn is NOT ALLOWED. Strangely, it's been effective this way since you pointed me that I should restart the counter... so for one day, first time, I can live with that. What I'm up to now is that my chance is now gone.
Thanks again for not letting that one go. It helped me realized what I did and what it meant.

 

Hey bienvenue à toi en fait !
À voir ton nombre de posts, tu viens tout juste de t'inscrire!

YES! On le fait man! On le fait!
Sans blague, j'ai rushé pas mal aujourd'hui par contre. Ça fait juste quelques jours... Ils se sont plutôt bien passés somme toute, mais pour vrai.... Je commence à réaliser qu'il faut vraiment que ce soit tout ou rien dans cette démarche.... Je me suis juste laissé tenté un peu aujourd'hui... et vraiment pas tant que ça là.... mais j'ai comme été presque plus maître de ma tête ensuite.... C"est vraiment bizarre! C'est clairement et littéralement un effet de sevrage! Là je reviens de mon épicerie et j'ai continué de faire mes trucs mais shit, y'a comme toujours une petite partie de ma tête qui est ailleurs et qui me rappelle qu'est que j'ai le goût de venir haha.

Anyway, c'est vrai que ça fait du bien de s'exprimer et de se vider le coeur en bon québécois aussi! Haha! Et si on continuait à se suivre ? Si t'es nouveau, t'as besoin d'un "parrain" non? Je dis parrain parce que je sais pas trop comment faire la traduction pour accountability partner. Bref, faut qu'on se serre les coudes, qu'on s'encourage et surtout qu'on lâche pas! Moi, j'ai duré quelques jours, mais avec les élans qui m'ont relancés aujourd'hui, je me doute bien que la partie est loin d'être gagnée et que y'a encore pas mal de boulot à faire et ce sera pas toujours une partie de plaisir... Loin de là. Esti que c'est dull prendre des douches froides!! hahaha. Mais si t'es sérieux dans ta démarche, dis-toi ben que tu peux compter sur moi pour te donner le meilleur feedback que je peux. À tous les jours ou aux deux jours... Moi, je veux vraiment et je m'y met à fond pour m'en sortir.

Tu sais à quoi je pensais en plus tantôt?... À cause d'un autre gars que j'essaye d'aider ici... ( man sa femme est partie en break y'a deux jours et s'il change pas, c'est le divorce... Assez hardcore comme situation! Et j'essaye d'y kicker le cul... Y peut difficilement être plus proche de la catastrophe sans qu'elle arrive... ) Anyway, comme je disais: À cause de ma discussion avec ce gars et des rushs que j'ai eus aujourd'hui, je me download un logiciel de contrôle d'accès aux sites. Je veux me saboter constructivement!! Pour m'aider! Je te tiens au courant des développements. Mon objectif: Faut que j'aille le logiciel installé et fonctionnel pour quand je te parlerai la prochaine fois!

Toi, t'es de quel coin en passant?

À+!

On le fait man!
On le fait!

 

Hi!
I am really happy to hear from you! You really helped me by pointing out my behaviour and really, that made it remain in my head for some reason. It helped me be even more cautious and kind of marked the "real" beginning of my involvement. Like I said, I didn't restarted my counter because I didn't consider that episode like a full relapse and I use the situation as an example of how it can be easy to fall in relapse.
Thanks also for your comprehension. I feel we are on the same level of understanding here. I totally agree that nofap is a very personal project and everyone is different. Yes, I'm not perfect, but yes, I do feel already that I'm making progresses and it helps keeping the motivation high. I just finished watching the very good -and long- youtube documentary: "Your brain on porn." As they say in it: progress is not something linear. Everyone has their ups and downs and its only in the picture you can see a progression. Anyway, I'm also already proud of the little distance I did! Sometimes I'm feeling really horny but I remain disciplined... and I'm proud to say I don't even remember the last time I abstain for 4-5 days! I already feel a little more energy! It can even be a little destabilising as a feeling... but it will get better and better... The documentary also said that studies have proven 7 days without ejaculation boost the testosterone levels by 45%! Let's keep on keeping on! I wish you the best too!

 

Hi Fapstronauts!
Hope you guys are doing well!
I wanted to give a little news and write about things that are going on.

I wanted to download a control software for porn sites but I decided not to install it because I realize how easy it was to fool if I really wanted to... and I didn't want to fool ME. I made this other realization that it is all back to me to avoid any tempting sites and I'll work on my own will instead.

Considering this also, I have this concern about this forum and community and would like you to give me feedback about what you think of it. There is this other guy I really tried to help and the more I tried to help him and "get involved," the less he responded and on one side, I'm thinking
" Have I done something wrong,
Didn't I help him right?
Did I push too much?
Should I mind more my own business?"

and on the other side I'm thinking " Well the only thing I can offer here is my support but I can't make progress FOR someone else."
I already have my own struggles to deal with and wanting something too much for someone else is not convenient while I'm in a similar situation. You know how it's always easier to help others and than yourself. Words are easier said than done...

And "talking" about this, I'm trying hard to do the "walking" and I'll hit the ONE WEEK bar this evening!!!!
This may be very little for long time Fapstronauts but I'm proud to say I have NEVER did such a long stretch since puberty!! While I think I'm making progress and I'm proud of me, I also understand why I haven't did such thing since my puberty:

I THINK IT'S HHAARRDDD!
I'm feeling tense and I'm aroused by the most little stimuli. I'm always anxious of failing back and there is ALWAYS THIS ONE PART OF ME THINKING "Oh how much I would like to...."

THIS: IS A STRUGGLE...........
DAMN F*CK YES IT IS!

Few times, things calm down.... But most of it, I think about sex.

Clearly exposed now is this pattern in me that REALLY wants to get things back how they were..... and man, how patterns can be strong and fight when they are worked on!!

But I manage to keep on keeping on ...

I'm curious of the future... to reach eventually better result... those "superpowers..." Ironically, I'm actively using my passiveness and my good escaping ability against my desires. I'm not perfect, but I'm very satisfied how it managed to work for one week now.

Today is among one of the first very nice day in Montreal. One of these first day we tell ourselves that spring is here and is felt more and more. I have this park near my house with several training and exercise module so I'll try to use my 45% testosterone rush usefully.
I'll put on my ugly jogging sweatpants and I'll go move.

I feel I have more energy overall but it expresses itself in a kind of tension that very present, always somewhere at the back of my mind... and down there.
Did any of you felt something like that after one week?

No wonder people get more things done by NoFap! They just want to escape this tension feeling and they do so by doing anything else.
Could that be by itself just another form of escapism rather than masturbating ? Or am I being cynical?
They say " use less= crave less"... and I'm eager to experience that as well.

Thanks for reading. I know it was a little long, but helped me focus my attention on something. Please give me feedback! It's really appreciated!

 

If possible, please pleeeaaaase write a few words instead of just "liking" my post. I really need this kind of support and interaction!
Feedback, encouragement, anything...

I need to feel you guys are present.

Let me read you!