HOCD and Escalation, or Denial ?

That's great man...!

I had some sort of moment of epiphany I believe. You see, there really is a simple trick you can use to determine your orientation and let go of this hocd once and for all.
All you need to do is to abstain long enough to induce a wet dream. Needless to say the gender in that dream will settle your innate orientation. Although porn can cause massive confusion over your orientation and even alter your artificial sexual tastes, it can never change your innate orientation. All of my wet dreams have been about women.
I believe this approach is a surefire way of letting go of hocd and being 100% sure because the subconscious makes no mistakes over sexual orientation. Once you'll have that dream, the fear should be radically reduced since then you'll know for sure.

Let me know your thoughts on this. I believe it's the smoking gun every hocd sufferer should aim for. There will be no doubts then.

 

Just to be clear: gay men don't feel attracted to women and don't like to have intimacy with women. The gay men that I know are disgusted from the idea of kissing with a woman as much as you and I are from the idea of kissing with a man. For you, intimacy with a woman comes easy and natural, which gives all the answers you are looking for right now. Even if you did not get an erection - that's not a problem. The fact that you want to be with a woman say it all.

/I'm having busy days lately, so my next reply is expected to come on Wednesday or Thursday, when I have days off. It's going to be another long reply, but I feel I have so much more to say. Till then! Keep your self together, friend!/

 

Okay, I've got time for a quick reply just before work. Here it goes:

whatami, brother, you said:

but let me make it clear again - that recent experience is not what you should be looking for in order to understand your biological sexual orientation. Let me remind and quote you from your very first reply:

That's what I'm talking about!
To really understand yourself, you need to go back in time, before your mind was messed up by PMO. The further back you can go and recall your first memories about attraction to one of the two sexes, the more accurate your understanding of yourself will be.

It is vital to remember! Use your mind properly and in your advantage, not against you. I know that under the influence of the PMO addiction this is really hard, but you should find the way to do it - that's why we are all here for, to help each other to get back in control of our lives (through obtaining control over our minds).

So, every time an intrusive thought about your sexuality arises, I'll point your attention back to second grade, when you were pre-PMO affected.

Understanding how your brain, body, bio-chemistry works is a key in answering this question. The quick answer to your doubts is: for an addicted brain, to get a bigger shot will always be more attractive and seductive than the normal one. That means, that when the brain is addicted to the chemicals induced by filthy PMO genres, it's getting more chemicals, bigger dose, more drug. Expanding the horizon as you start considering yourself as bi-sexual DOUBLES your chances to get the drug. That's exactly what your brain is aiming for! The wider the options available, the more chance to get dose. It's as simple as that.

To understand better what I'm talking about, please follow these links:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com
and more specifically, watch these videos:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos-articles/
A MUST-SEE video is this one:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos/your-brain-on-porn-how-internet-porn-affects-the-brain-2015/ - it's over 1 hour long ESSENTIAL information about the P addiction

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-affects-the-brain-like-a-drug/

As long as you (or anybody else) is under the slavery of the PMO addiction, in its HOCD variation, there is no way to make a rational decision on your sexuality, because the addiction itself does not allow for such decision to be made.

Questioning one's heterosexuality is a normal side-effect of the PMO addiction. The natural male-female relationship and experience will always seem somewhat mediocre, because the levels of the dopamine are not as high as on P.

But here's the good news: as soon as you detach from the PMO and do a full reboot, like I did, I promise your that you will start seeing women as never before (or shall I say as when you were in second grade. In the following days I'm going to write about my recent experience with girls and the dramatic positive change that I'm experiencing now (I'll give a link to it).

P.S. To me, the question is not whether you are gay or bi-sexual, but how to help you to find the way back to your natural sexuality. I'll do my best to do that and I need your help!

That's about it for now
More to come soon...

 

I really think my thoughts about men is due to feeling inferior to them; I don`t feel like one of the guys and I feel like a child among men when I`m socializing with my peers. Most people would have guessed my age to be somewhere around 20, even though I`m 32. This is really embarrassing and have caused me to never hit on girls and kind of avoid men, because I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. I find it a lot easier to talk to women, but I only talk to women whom I find attractive and have come to the realization that the only reason I do it is because I love to get their attention and get them to like me.

I`ve never hit on a girl, I`ve texted with them or waited for them to make a move. I`ve slept with about 20 women, but met most of them online (msn, online chatting). I have never dared to say I liked someone, we just kind of agreed to meet and have sex after chatting for months. Chatting with girls for months and learning everything about them before I`ve even met them, and then meet up for sex is just weird. So, I`m kind of a "nice guy", but with all the wrong motives. I used to be/still are very romantic and sensitive, but somehow I lose interest after I`ve slept with them, even if the sex is good. It`s like sex was my goal, and when I can get it whenever I want it`s just not that important to me.

My current situation is that my life would have been great if guys didn`t exist; I have a gf, never had any problems regarding arousal with women when it comes to sex, all my fantasies (sexual or romantic) has always involved women. I see plenty of attractive women every day, but it`s like I take them from granted; when I`m with a women it`s like I got the upper hand. I am confident, I`m pretty smart and know a lot about things that impresses women (I`m a personal trainer, interested in psychology and I kind of know what to say to women (in a manipulativ way)).
I fear talking to men because I`m embarrassed by my lack of masculinity, and the fact that a lot of them approach me differently because they think I`m way younger and awkward. None of my skills I`ve always seen other guys as more important than me and kind of put them on a pedestal (thinking they`re better looking than me (I have a really poor self-image), better socially and in some way got something I don`t. I feel really intimidated by them (and I mean all of them).

So, I already feel inferior to all men, so after this "what if I`m gay"-thought popped up all my admiration for other guys suddenly felt like attraction. My body now reacts like I`m attracted to basically every man I pass by. I`m not turned on by them (and never have been), but it`s like every time I look some guy in the eyes my brain tries to convince me I`m in love. It`s happening so often I can`t take it seriously (it`s many times a time, with guys that most people wouldn`t say was attractive at all).

 

Finally!!!

I'm back to this so very important thread, to which I personally relate in such a great extent! It's been a while since the last time I wrote and I guess it's better this way, because the information that I gave in my previous comments was quite a lot. It's good to let it sink, I guess.

Now it's time to continue elucidating this issue taboo - the HOCD and how it's related to P and what lies behind all that, because without understanding the root causes, there is no true freedom from the anything.

I'm going to begin with a little more reflection on the role of the PARENTS, this time separating both of them and their specific influence on the child. (As you read, you might want to roll back the tape to your childhood, contemplate and check if there are patterns that you recognize in what I'm going to describe now.)

First, let's look at the ideal conditions for the development of the child and later I'll try to describe how different traumas coming from the parent's past become part of the belief system of the child...

Note: In this description I'm strictly referring to the individuals of the male sex, as I can only speak from the perspective of the male!


THE ROLE OF THE MOTHER

As a biological necessity, the mother needs to be the weaker, the softer and the more agreeable person in the family. In order to take care of the fragile baby, she needs to be that way. Her role is not to express anger and aggression, but to be loving, caring and giving. Empathy and sensitivity are qualities that help the mother to understand the needs of the baby/very young child.

And because the mother has to be the softer and the more agreeable person, that puts her in the position to bear and endure the male energy of the father. She acts like a buffer to all the raw energy coming from the father, when he comes angry from work, or when he is having fights with other males, etc. So, her role is to be soft and gentle, to please and calm down the man.

Another purely biological predestination to be a woman/mother is to be penetrated. The mother has to open up and take inside what the father has for her - his physical nature and his male energy. In this sense, she is also weaker, because she allows to be dominated (in a healthy relationship this happens willingly), she allows to be entered, physically.

Something that characterizes uniquely the mother's love is that it's unconditional. The mother (if not suffering from serious psychological disorders) loves the baby/child without evaluating it as good or bad. It's perfect, because it's hers. It may not have arms or legs, but the true nature of the mother's love is beyond that and she loves and cares for the child regardless of anything.

As the baby is born in this world, the very first touch and care is the one of the mother. In the first minutes, hours, days, and years, the mother plays the most significant role for the child. The role of the father is not yet revealed in those first years.


THE ROLE OF THE FATHER

The role of the father, for the child's development, is very different from that of the mother, biologically. In many senses it would not be false to be said that it is the opposite one.

As the child grows and reaches a certain age (I'm not able to point a specific one), the role of the father becomes important. A shift from the love received from the mother is observed and the search, the earning of the love of the father begins. Yes, the kind of love that the father provides the child/young boy is not unconditional! It is conditional and needs to be deserved. The father puts tasks and expectations on the boy and through the success of achieving those requirements, the father grants approval to the son. The father stimulates the development of male qualities in the son, helping him to become a self-sufficient, independent and strong man, who can undertake the challenges of life.

At this point, the love of the mother has to be put at second position, it has to almost be rejected. Or, shall I say, the mother has to let the child/young boy become free from her hugging and warming unconditional love. She shall allow the father to become the one that is responsible for the further development of the offspring.

It is vital, that up to this point, the child has received the love of the mother in its full range, because this helps the formation of boy in many ways. A truly loved by the mother son is adapted to take on the challenges that the father is going to face him with.

As I said, the father is the one that helps the son to enter the world of men. From the father the boy adopts qualities that are opposite of those that the mother has: aggression, defense, will-power, physical strength, striving for achieving the goals set. All those are necessary for a healthy man. Aggression, although it's one of the qualities of men considered as "toxic masculinity" (by modern Feminism and Gillette (hi, Gillette, "thanks" for destroying men!)), has it's healthy form and is needed to be present in the man, for him to be able to find his place in the world of adults.


An EXTREMELY important specific quality of the male nature is the ability and the willingness to penetrate. Purely biologically speaking, the men needs to be able to penetrate the woman. It is natural for the healthy heterosexual man to want to do that. And exactly the opposite: for a heterosexual man it is completely devastating to be penetrated - that hits on multiple levels (something I'm going to talk about in more detail in a bit.)

-------------------

So far I've described how I see the ideal case of healthy development for the boy. A gentle unconditionally loving mother, who is able to let go the son at certain stage of his development and a strong, but fair and balanced figure of a father, who helps the young boy to become an adult, through accomplishing and achieving tangible goals set for him.

Now let's look at some of the cases where things can go wrong (and I'm going to mention what my specific case was as a baby/child/adolescent).

------------

As it may have become obvious to you, the energy/presence of both parents is necessary for the healthy development of the boy. If one of them is missing (physically or emotionally), various traumas can occur. In case of divorced parents, the logical conclusion (as well as scientific data) shows that this not favors the proper maturity.


THE MOTHER's influence

I cannot talk about the case of missing mother, because my case have been the opposite - a mother who has always taken care of me, or shall I say over-care. In that case, the over-caring mother does not allow the father to express his love at the stage when this is supposed to occur. The mother continues to over-protect the child, to treat it like it's baby, even though it's time for him to grow up. The boy feels safe and good under the protection of the mother, but that hinders his development.

Also, the mother can imply too much femininity on the boy, as she unconsciously provides him with conditions more appropriate for a girl - I hated that my mother puts pink pillowcases on my pillows and that she treats me like a fragile egg when it comes to going out in the cold or when I get a bit sick from just a cold. I think that she wanted to have a girl as a second child and it was kind of prepared for that, but that is a "maybe".

IMPORTANT: A very dangerous moment in the development of the boy, which can be a true reason for developing HOCD is if the mother allows the father to mistreat her, verbally and physically abuse and hurt her. That was my case - my mother took a very big portion of my father's aggression in front of me and my brother. Being exposed to such events in my very young childhood, up to much later time (5-17 years of age) was truly traumatizing for me and I associated/identified with that pain induced on my mother. When I started consuming P, the traumatic events started to find their way of being medicated, as I reached for abusive P genres. The pain from my trauma wanted to hide behind the pleasure from the MO. A sick connection was formed between pleasure and pain.

Note: I need to mention that I did not arrive immediately to the transwoman, sissy, trans and exploited gay genres immediately. It was a gradual sinking into that hell-state of being. It all began as normal P, to which I was fascinated and happy to watch, but ended up as miserable and compulsive action, which I hated myself for doing/wanting. That is what describes the addiction - something that you do, although you are not happy to do, but feel as a fatal attraction, you can't escape. It's enslaving, it's the slavery I'm talking about, which we all here know about.

So, what made me so miserable was the fact that I became the one that is being penetrated. Something unnatural and truly disrespectful for a man - to feel like a woman. This is causing the total destruction of the self-confidence, self-respect, ability to approach girls, submission to men (or a sporadic inadequate reaction of aggression).


The mistake of my mother was that she repeated the model of behavior that she saw in her growing up - a father alcoholic, who mistreated the mother. My mother did not find the way to break up this addictive behavior, which had become normal to her, although highly painful and humiliating.

I was also not able to resolve this addiction, since I was too young to realize all that I know now. I did not know how can pain and pleasure combine, how can trauma hide behind something that seems like sexual satisfaction.

I did not love myself, just like my mother did not love herself, otherwise she would not let anyone treat her like that.



THE FATHER'S influence

What happens when we don't find what we need from our fathers, for our healthy development, is as important, to understand the HOCD, as the influence of the mother's side.

As a beginning, a father, who is unavailable, physically and/or emotionally is a really big thing. My father has been both - physically and emotionally missing in much of the time of my growing up. I can't blame him, nor my mother for what they could provide me with, although it would most likely change the way of my development significantly. Anyway, it is what it is and there is no other way it could have happened.

As my father has been missing as the figure of the male adult, from which I can learn how to deal with life and with women, that has been difficult for me. My father has never shown affection to my mother, physical touch or appreciation for what she has done - no, quite the opposite.

Because of the aggression towards my mother, I disassociated in early ages (5-6 years old) with the desire to be like him, ultimately with the male figure. I despised him and I said to myself that when I grow up and if I become a father, I will never hurt my wife and kids. Even though I made that statement, I happened to realize that I also carry the model of aggression inside me, which I turned to myself – self-aggression, self-punishment, self-abuse.

I internalized the abuse and the criticism I went through and it began to work as a subconscious model of behavior and voice in my head, which was telling me that I'm not worthy, that I'm weak, stupid, sissy.

Whatever I did was never good enough for my father. No matter how much I was trying, I was told that I'm not doing it right. That was his way to "stimulate" me to try harder, which was absolutely demotivating for me. This was the approach he adopted from his father, who used to do the exact same thing to him. But I can see the result in my father - a hurt human being, who is trying to hide his pain through his achievements in life (that I realized much later in my life). Certainly his approach was killing all my manhood.

His criticism towards me for being physically sensitive pushed me into the believe that I was meant to be a girl, thus I started to believe that I am girl in a boy's body, who is pretending to be heterosexual. I found comfort in the idea of being dominated by men and see myself as a girl, because of the opinion of the one that was closest to me - my own father. So, my perception of who I am was suggested on me in a mean way; my masculinity was trodden.

I was searching for identification. I wanted to know who I am and to belong. But since my father did not provide me with the proper guidance to find my masculinity and identification as a normal boy, as well as he shook the beliefs about my biological sexual orientation, I fell into the pit of false self-identification and the hell broke loose.


-------------------------------------

Well, I intended this to be the beginning of my post in response to the first post from brother whatami, but I actually didn't get to that point. I guess, this will happen another day. Stay tunned!

Love,
Todor

 

whatami, I've done the same. I've been through the same experiences. The patterns are so similar between me and you, as well as this is what so many other folks are describing. I know that whenever you see a pattern, there is something going on, which needs to be resolved.

Sinking into ever more pervert P genres, as well as fantasies of being dominated and exploited by other men is the normal outcome of the fact that the brain is on P; the brain is being abusing its bio-chemical capabilities and has wired to specific triggers. The more taboo, the more shameful and lustful the ideas, the more dopamine is released. Take into account your experience at those early ages with that older friend of yours, who exposed you to homosexual acts - the end result is clear!

But as I said many times, and I will continue to spread the word: in the moment when you rise above those obsessive thoughts and cut the connection between PMO/MO and the triggering thoughts, you will become free from the compulsion.

I know that sounds distant to you, but it's possible, if you do the work. I had to work with my mind for a decade before I was able to monitor and register any thought that appears in my brain, which I don't want to follow. As of now, I'm able to recognize instantly any triggering thought and as I shake myself off of the enslaving will of that thought, I smile and I just tell to myself: "That's just another thought".

You've been asking many times how to deal with these thoughts and you've been saying that you don't know which approach to take. Well, I've got only one suggestion, as this is the one thing that changed my life: mindfulness of breath. I know nothing more powerful that can bring you back to the present moment, in which you can realize that the P is a fake way to exploit your sexuality, which can only lead to detrimental effects on all aspects of your life; as well as the thoughts of HOCD that arise throughout the day are simply symptoms of malicious thinking/beliefs about yourself.


I need to make one thing clear: we are all different in our physical appearance. Not everyone of us is the alpha-male that all the hot chicks are dreaming of. As we were born with specific genes and appearance, we are predestined to have more or less success with the opposite sex. As long as this is not understood and accepted, there will be always a fight and resentment with life, with what is real.

For a person, who is not recognized in the society as physically very attractive and sexy, there are fewer chances for having the most beautiful girls out there. When the self-criticism and the self-inferiority thoughts arises, through the comparison of "me and the other males", it is not far the moment when self-hatred and reaching for drugs becomes a fact.

As I said before, the role of the parents is to help us understand that we are worthy of being loved, regardless if we are top-models or average or unattractive compared to other males. Failing to understand that sex is not the most important is a big problem in our modern world. In fact, we've put so much emphasis on sexual experiences, that we don't have any other interests and awareness of ourselves.

I would say, that people who are not really physically attractive, have the opportunity to develop other qualities and skills, not related to sex. Music, art, writing, spiritual development - all that comes easier for someone who is considered an outsider.

It may sound as resignation to many folks, who are craving for sexual achievements, but the fact is that we are who we are, we look the way we look and except of losing some weight and gaining some muscle, there isn't much more we can change about our appearance (unless we hate so much the way we look, that we decide to take on a plastic surgery - something I wanted to do to myself, and I actually went to the plastic surgeon with the money in my pocket, but after talking to him and explaining what I want to change on my face, he advised me to visit a psychological help. That was back in 2006 when I was far from accepting and owning my physical appearance.)

What I just told about the outlook we are born with is not something I've read and just repeat. It's my personal experience and it's valid in my case. I'm very sure, that if I wasn't the way I am (or shall I say, if I was the way I wanted to be - like those alpha-male body-types, with super sexy facial features) I would most likely not go into so deep of analyzing and developing the skill to write and reflect on my past, on who I really am and what the purpose of my life is. What life didn't give me in one way, helped me developed in a different way.

 

Something that fueled my fears was the information I found online about evaluating our sexual orientation. I was probably 14-15 when I was reading all about that topic from all sources, some considered very reputable. I made so many online-tests and the end result was devastating - I was told that I might be a gay in denial. That hit me so hard, because I did not like that idea. It just didn't sit well with me. But I had no other option, but to believe those resources, because they were all telling me that I'm most likely not straight.

Such a forum like NoFap was not available back then. At least I didn't know of one like that. I had no idea of OCD and HOCD. No professional help. I was just lost.

But I'm glad that people now have access to this information, which I and people like me can present here. It is so obvious to me how shallow our understanding of the sexual orientation is, when referring to the main sources. Even Wikipedia is going to give you a false understanding of what is going on with you if you look for "homosexuality" on it.

The reason I'm on this forum is to be a case study for what can go wrong with an average heterosexual boy in difficult life circumstances. I consider myself as an example of one who has been on the bottom, but has found the way to rise above all and liberate himself from the PMO slavery. The knowledge about this is what I want to promote.

 

Nothing that comes natural to your makes you feel like shit. This alone proves the malicious nature of this kind of P genres.

Why did you not feel embarrassed or guilty watching regular P? Because that was something natural to you, to your biology. As you were attracted to females, your primitive brain considered that what you see on the screen is an opportunity to pass on your genes in reality, and you were forced by the laws of nature to follow the primal instincts.

CAUTION! TRIGGER WARNING! I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN SPECIFICS, WHICH MIGHT LEAD TO TRIGGERING THOUGHTS AND RELAPSE!! READ ON OWN RISK!
Same here, brother! The moment I started abusing my anus was the worst level I've ever reached. I had violated the basic principal to be a male - I was allowing myself to be penetrated. The shame was unbearable. The level of detachment from reality and the fears of being exposed reached their maximum levels. I closed myself to the world. That started around 14 years of age and continued in the next 2 decades.

Let me explain something: the way my sinking into the addiction and the gay-identification was gradual. It was always accompanied by MO/PMO or FMO (FantasyMO). So, as I gradually became more pervert and exploited my body, I WIRED the pleasure from MO with all the other sensations and imaginations.

The thing is that I never enjoyed the anal play alone. It was rather painful and unpleasant experience, which I would never perform alone, but as an addition to the stimulation of my penis, it gave me the extra dopamine you are also talking about.

I didn't have a girlfriend to have sex with at that age (14-15), but I craved for that so much, that with the help of the significant influence of P scenes, I became my gf. Through the intense focus on the pleasure of the woman, which can be seen in the P, I gradually started to speculate what it feels for her, which lead me to want to know that myself.

My mind was a total mess. I mixed the sensations of being a boy and a girl, and I totally lost myself.

The significant thing here is WIRING. Like brother bken very correctly put it:

It's true. Neurones that fire together, wire together. Exploiting a bio-chemical system like MO eventually will cause an addiction. And the more repetitions are done, the worse the expression of that addiction, which explains the sinking into more pervert genres P and abusing the own body.

Something else that bken shared was:

Yes, it's true that the fantasies that are created by the PMO are far from the truth in reality. These thoughts-cravings are so sick and illusionary. Most of the time they are only in the sphere of some urge that can never be experiences in reality, because if it does, it may shatter the image that the mind has created.

In my case, because I had wired anal play with MO, I was convinced that I'm gay because of that. Only when I managed to perform an anal play without stimulating my penis, I could have the true sensation of that. And it wasn't even close to feeling good! How can pain be recognized as pleasure? - Only if it's used as a trigger for the natural biological satisfaction, which is stimulating the penis until reaching O.

I dare to say that whoever is present in experiencing the immediate sensations of whatever they do to themselves (without putting that extra layer of thoughts, urges, fantasies, scenes from the P, voices that run in the head), they will be able to correctly conclude whether an action is pleasant or unpleasant.

 

whatami, coming back to your initial post, it becomes clear that you've had that genuine interest in girls/women, but it was suppressed due to misfortune in your relationships and rejection, which pushed you further in the hands of the HOCD.

Unable to handle the issues in your life, the idea of you being gay (or bi-) became an escape and a way to explain the causes of your problems.

As I said, I went through all that, as well as many other folks, some of who have already found the path to their healing. Have a look over here and see if you recognize something from your experience in another brother:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ality-and-sissy-cravings.161298/#post-1360557

And after one year, the same brother wrote this:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...earned-after-almost-one-year-of-nofap.210014/

I kept in touch with this person, who became a very close friend of mine now, throughout his entire journey in 2018.

So, as you may see for yourself, there is a way out of this!

 

So i have never done anything as fucked up as you guys, and thank god that i am getting out this already, the only thing i have done was relapse to futanari like couple of times and i felt like shit afterwards, because i'm not gay. I can not even think about having sex in anyway with a man without cringing and feeling like i need to puke.

 

think to yourself, if you really want to know if it was escalation or just denial, think about having sex with a women ( i feel comfortable and calm ) and think instead with a man (if i were to think about having sex with a man i would cringe and like i said i would be on the verge of puking) XD

 

I've become desensetized to thinking about men in a romantic og sexual way- I've never craved for it, but if I think "but what if you gave it a chance?". The though doesn't creep me out, nor appeal to me. It's like my biggest problem is the analyzing, because I don't get any joy or exitement from looking at men, but my mind is racing and thinking "why does this guy suddenly look good to me, when I have known him for years and never noticed?". And the more I obsess over this the more good looking I find him. I saw a guy one day that I felt sorry for, because he looked like he'd been in an accident (assymetric and weird face), and then I realized he was prolly gay (based on the way he acted) and had some cosmetic surgeries done. With that thought I suddenly felt attracted to this guy, who I just one minute prior to this found creepy..
I too have had problems with my father figure, and I also had a "strong mother". My parents divorced when I was 3, and I spent most of my youth living with my mother. I moved to my father when I was 13, but due to a lot of reasons I kind of lived there without feeling like a part of the family. I am an only child and my father got two kids with his new wife. We were treated completly differently and I became the scapegoat of the family. I gave up and decided that we would be better off if I just left them to their self.

What I feel when I'm around men is kind of like there is a power imbalance that I want to even out, and in order to do so I need for them (or myself) to respect me and see me as their equal, if that makes sense. It's like I'm craving men, in a none romantic and none sexual way.

 

Just relapsed, i feel good that i did not relapse to the weird shit, but i feel bad because i know that my addiction is still strong... funny im on zero days now and i feel more confident than you, while you are at 215 days XD

 

The counter was wrong

 

Jesus christ i realise after reading all of ur posts that my nofap story isnt that bad compared to you guys. I feel like now my Hocd is gone because i never ever had sex in any way with a man nor do i ever want to, the highest my escalation went to was the weirder porn shit. I'm going to block all porn of my pc and my phone and never go back to porn, porn and everything to do with it is bad and i will never ever turn back.

 

Wilk86, I understand what you are saying and I relate to your post.

The past events in your life that you are describing match the profile of traumas that have "helped" you fall into the trap of PMO and HOCD. That is no wonder and nothing to freak out from, because we have already named the problem. And I believe that once you can name the problem, you can solve the problem.

I believe that the craving for men is the craving for the power/energy of men, which probably all folks experiencing HOCD want to have, but not as an external thing; not like a man who can give us this energy, but we alone to become the man that we see as strong and powerful. It's the craving for our own nature as men, which for many reasons we didn't find as we grew up.
That is why we feel this inferiority and discomfort in presence of alpha-males. Although, I am here to tell you, that 400+ days after leaving PMO and going through the process of embracing my masculinity, I no longer feel that discomfort being next to or interacting with strong and attractive males. Quite the contrary - I feel challenged to show my best manhood and to stand with self-respect, ready to "fight" for the sexy girl. I recently did that and for the first time in 10 years I asked a girl out, as I was being watched by other men, who wanted the girl.

There is a way out of this mess and I'm sure that whoever truly wants it, will achieve it!

Have a successful day!
Todor