HOCD or Denial?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Straus, Apr 7, 2019.

  1. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Hey Guys

    I had 2 sessions with my therapist, he diagnosist me with HOCD. I have it since 9 Months now. My porn history started with Soft Porn and naked girls, than feet and at least i escalated to cuckold, tranny, incest and a kind of Bi porn. My HOCD ( if it is hocd ) all started with a Video i saw only, where a sexual expert tell that cuckolds are gay or bi. Then i questioning myself am i gay? And analyse my whole past for evidence i am gay. I masturbated to gay pictures and gay porn and compared with straight porn. I always get a hard on if i watch straight/lesbian porn or naked women. At the gay porns the most time i didnt get hard and i dont feel aroused. But there are few times i came very hard and was really aroused. I also dont think that i suppress my arousel or something, because everytime i check myself i try to get a hard on, no matter if i see women or men. Because i dont want to lie myself. If i closed my eyes and fantasize about sex with a women to kiss her and f*ck her i get hard, but with a men this fantasize makes nothing for me. I dont know what this all means. I also read something about the 2D:4D Ratio and i have a high digit ratio, what means i am gay. This could be true but there is a voice in my head that tells me you only like girls. Someday i think and tell me yeah you are gay, but there is the voice that say i am straight. I get really aroused by women. At the mans only a few times and then comes the anxiety again and i test myself. I dont know if this is hocd or denial. The Fact that i always get a hard one on girls, dreaming about them, had crushes on girls, the voice in my head and heart show me that i like women. But the fact that i have been aroused few times at the gay porn, my digit ratio, since this all started i look at boys on the street or naked breasts of boys in the restroom or in sport to see if i like it, makes me great anxiety about my sexuality.

    PS: I am 20 years old and english is not my narrative language, so i am sry if my grammar is that bad it looks like.
     
  2. Infinite spirit

    Infinite spirit Fapstronaut

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    Hocd or denial?
    Hocd.
    Why?
    Pmo.
    Solution?
    Nofap.
     
  3. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Are you sure that is so simple?
    Is it possible for a straight guy to cum to gay porn or picture ( not everytime but a few times ), because if i masturbate to women it get hard directly, at men there is nothing but sometimes there is one moment when i get really aroused and cum or want to cum but i cant and the arousel going back. At women i dont have these problems. I also look at girls before that all started, in the school, the street and really want a girlfriend. But now i look at guys outdoor to see if i like them and find them attractiv. But if i fantasize about young good looking guys i doesnt turns me on. I am really confused, especially after i read this study about the 2D:4D ratio.
     
  4. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Please can anyone help. I always checking myself but it confused me more and more
     
  5. Infinite spirit

    Infinite spirit Fapstronaut

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    Simple queastion..was this proplem there BEFORE you started watching porn?
    If the answer is no.. then it's 100% porn-induced and the solution is nofap hardmode for long enough .
     
  6. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    I never questioned my sexuality before i start to watch the hardest Cuckold porn. I was only interested in Girls. But there is such a anxiety now and i cant handle it
     
  7. Infinite spirit

    Infinite spirit Fapstronaut

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    I told you..its from porn. You just have to cut the porn completely ..and start dating real girls.
     
  8. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Well now i am really confused.

    I fantasize about Women and get aroused. I fantasized about men and dont get aroused, but one gay porn memory got me aroused for a short moment, but after i continue it goes away. I masturbate to the fantasize about women and get aroused. I masturbate to the fantasize of men and dont ger aroused. I masturbated to pictures of women and get aroused. I masturbated to pictures of men and the most time i was not aroused, but then there was a moment i was aroused then i ejaculate. Well i dont understand. If i was gay why the most time i didnt get aroused about the gay stuff. But if i was straight how is it possible that i get aroused, even for a short moment, especially ejaculate to gay stuff. Maybe i surpress the erection, but it doesnt feel like that. I also tried to surpress if i masturbate to women but there i always getting hard. I dont know whats going on with my body. I don’t understand it anymore.
     
  9. Infinite spirit

    Infinite spirit Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you are bisexual.
    At worst you are 70%straight.. 30%gay.
    But I don't think that's even the case..if as you said you didn't doubt your sexuality before porn..then it's 100%porn induced .
     
  10. That's it period move on.
     
  11. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    I dont think its hocd anymore. Its not normal as a straight men to get aroused by gay stuff, even it is a few times. My 2D:4D ratio say also i have homosexual tendences. I think i am really bisexual. If i am straight i would not so much think about it.
     
  12. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    Okey man ! Let's calm down :) Iv'e been where u @.
    Short story from me:
    age 12 started MO, age 13-14 started PMO. Age 14-15 first time i put somthing up my ass. Age 16-18 HOCD super afraid of beeing gay sinc i no longer found hetrosexual porn a trun on. Watch gay porn and had cam shows where i fingerd and stretch... yeah you know.
    18 i got laid for the first time. Did i qlimax ? Nope, had sex for 40 min to an hour and i din't finish. Will atleast i got aroused be a girl. Still watched gay porn and still had sex with her.

    age 19 - 20 "accepted i was bi" Stated more and more cam shows and more and more anal stuff. And @ this time i was watching ALL form off porn. Think off it and i have watched it.

    age 20 - 25 meeting guys and sucking dicks, going to sex shops / cloryholes. cheating multiply times on my GF and so foth. Both men and woman.

    Age 25 understand i have an addiction ( Both sex,porn,alcohol and drugs ) getting rid of drugs first, then sex outside relationship trying to stop porn but fkn can't. Still hocked on gay and tranny porn. wathcing sisstporn and sissyhypno eating my own cum...
    Age 28 = now. Been fighing this 4 years. NOW i know I am not gay or bi. I wasn't attracted to men at all. I was looking for the dopamine kick. I have been to psychiatrist, been to 12 step's meetings and so on. But when i stoped PMO ing things changed. I still have the disier to watch sissy stuff and make my self small and a toy, i still feel urges to fill up my anal and be a slave. BUT i know it is my addiction who want's it.

    This beeing said.- There is nothing wrong if your are gay or bisexuall. BUT give NOfap and NOpmo a honest chance before you make just say you are gay or it's hocd.
    Do a 90 days NO PMO. AND read " your brain on porn"

    Best regards
     
  13. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Well

    I thought i was gay or bi. Today I masturbated to naked men and gay porn but nothing happened down there. After i switch to naked women i get aroused very fast. Then i switched to men and to women to look if i get hard or not. I dont surpress anything i am sure because i want to cum even to the mens but i wasnt aroused. At the women i was aroused. If i am bi why i dont get hard to the gay stuff. Maybe i was ( a few days ago ) aroused about the gay stuff, because of the cuckold porn. There the women forced the husband to suck the cock of the bull and humiliates him. I also looked at feet humiliation. Humiliation at all aroused me. Maybe i got aroused to the gay stuff, because my brain associated ( a guy sucks a cock to example ) with humiliation. If i was aroused by the male body or mens in general, i must everytime get aroused to them like the women, but it didnt happen.
     
  14. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    Calm down, read my last post and QUIT PORN ! It's the porn that fuckes you up man ! Quit it !
     
    ivanhoe likes this.
  15. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    Ok i stop with testing. But there is almost this anxiety. I only had crushes on girls and find them very attractive, but since that all started i look guys on the street in a different way. I image myself with a girl and then with a boy to see if it feels good. I dreamed of girls and really enjoy it but now this anxiety always bring me to ask my sexuality. I was so sure that i am straight, but now its really confusing
     
  16. ElogicalStudent

    ElogicalStudent Fapstronaut

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    bro i was in the same place of you
    stop masturbating and PORN - first place
    we all are bisexuals - don't worry so much about your sexuality do whatever makes you happy. and I can assure you that you will have no relationships in the recent future so DW!!
    start working on yourself, on your goals
    meditate
    good luck

    forgot to add:
    invest in a relationship instead of treating girls like objects
     
  17. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    WORST thing any OCD condition is checking . accept you're never going to know by 'testing'
     
  18. Straus

    Straus Fapstronaut

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    But how i can be sure that i am not attracted to men. Whats the difference between a bisexual men or gay men and me? Why is there such an anxiety if i tell myself ok i am bisexual or i am straight?
     
  19. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    Bro, please now lissned to me ! ----------> Start NO PMO TODAY ! <----------- It is to 90 % the porn that fucks your brain ! You can't rule out hocd if you don't do NO pmo !
    And if it's not HOCD well then you have atleast stoped PMO and can go get yourself a GF or BF !
    Stop worrieng about if you are gay bi or straith. You are a person who decervs to be happy eather way !
     
  20. ElogicalStudent

    ElogicalStudent Fapstronaut

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    medidate brother
     

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