How do I cope?

Hi, I've posted a few times, we've been struggling with this for 15 years (I didn't realise for most of that) but my hub has the most dreadful moods when he's using P and for many years I suffered thinking he was maybe bipolar, but now I know it's his secret P use that causing these moods.

I caught him a while back, maybe over a year and since then he's been quite nice, mostly happy and back to his old self (we've had the occasional explosions of rage, but they didn't last).

A key thing he does is I notice that he's on ordinary videos constantly, car chases, police videos etc and the rages follow this intensive internet. The 'rages' as I call them, can last for 3 months at a time where he will ignore me at times, belittle me, keep making deep, deep sighs, find fault with everything I do, turn away from me at night etc. If we ever try to have S during this time, he'll have ED which he passes off as 'being nervous' and it's so soul destroying to have to be coaxing him into action for a 30 second performance. He does nothing for me, I can spend an hour or more on him (once the ED is sorted) while he's loving it, then he tells me to 'hurry and get on' and lasts for barely any time at all. It leaves me feeling more empty than before.

But the WORST thing is he denies he has a problem and I can't discuss it with him because he'll fly into a rage saying things like 'what, dont you TRUST me???' as if its an incredible thing that I don't.

As I have children and nowhere to go, no money (he's got a very good job and I'm a stay at home mom) I'll just have to live with this. He's never sought help for his problem, he thinks he can do it alone.

Anyway, 4 weeks ago, after almost a year of happiness, he came home in a terrible mood and I knew it was beginning again. He's speaking to me, but its flat and dull and the slightest thing makes him explode, even things the kids do. He sits there at night in front of his laptop (we sit next to each other, as we're gamers) with his arm thats near me, propping his head up, but it makes a sort of barrier between us, he closes off. He'll say the odd thing or two but nothing much. He insists that he 'never sleeps' but I always stay awake until he sleeps, so I know he does. I wake up a lot during the night and he's sleeping heavily. But he's either angry or just flat toned and I need to know how to cope. I can't ask if he's using again because he'll rage and its not worth the confrontation. He also tells me to 'fuck off and find somewhere else to live' if I complain too much. He lies over the stupidest things as well, it's like a habit.

I'm funny, pretty, I know men like me and find me interesting but I feel like a complete waste of space when this is happening, I feel ugly and worthless, my heart pounds all day long with worry and stress and I have no-one to talk to during the day except the kids.

So, I know I need to just live with this, I need to resign myself to it, I don't really know why I'm posting to be honest. I think I just need to get this out of me, it's like a black hurt in my soul.

He is nice to EVERYONE, people love him. I asked recently why it's only me that get these moods and why he's lovely to everyone at work and he just says "thats the fake me, I have to be nice to earn money", and I do see that, but at the same time, knowing that I'm the only one who has to cope with this side devastates me.

He has lost sight of the person who was his soul mate, the one person who truly cared for him and I think he just sees me as a barrier.

I just need a strategy to cope, he'll almost certainly not admit to using and asking is out of the question he's done a good job there, I'm too scared to ask.

I'm just totally destroyed and exhausted with it all.