How do you cope with failure?

I've been coming to terms with a lot of shitty decisions I've made in the past lately, and it's been wildly difficult to see and think about anything other than the negative. A way I cope is by this thought process of accepting that I feel deeply sick and sad, which seems to at least take away the anxiety of trying to escape the reality of the situation. And then I also leave room for the possibility of change... I think that there no doubt are people who have been at least as mixed up as me and found there way back to center, so it is just a fact of reality that there must be potential and possibility out there for me too, so I'm open to the possibility of change even though I can't work it out yet.

And from here I say that old Teddy Roosevelt thing: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."... It's really an act of faith to say that and trust that doing the little things right will open doors that you can't see right now, but that's a worthwhile gamble, isn't it?! I mean, the other gamble is on momentary satiation of impulse and an ever-fleeting grasp of safety and happiness, and I'm guessing if you're engaged in this kind of forum and website you already know where that path leads... So why not bet on yourself, and on the possibility of a better future in spite of an intolerable present?

(I don't mean to preach, I think I'm talking to myself here as much as I am to you... Let me know your thoughts when you have time, good luck to ya.)

 

What help for me is acceptance and knowing that everything that happens, happens for a reason. And I know you mentioned this but still every situation is a chance to learn, it is tough and feelings of failure suck. But as mentioned above you should feel those emotions and then let go of them and change your enviroment at the same time, like go for walk or to another room etc. Go easy on yourself, I read that you quit a job you did not like. You are not a failure - you quit a job you did not like, there are so many people working jobs they hate and do not have the courage to leave. You did the right thing. If you want to work a job - search for a new one or take a course of some sort. It can help bring purpose to you life. Also reflect on the things you have accomplished so far.

 

Badly. Following this thread with interest...

 

Agreed man

After so many time spend but fail is the result kinda hard to bear and it is easy to jump on the porn side

Like i having a good streaks rn not even an edging but after my paper turn off again today, im binge watching youtube and sadly its getting dark rn if i had more time i guess escalates from youtube to porn is just a click away

 

@BigBadWolf_27 I'm curious man, is there anything in your life right now that you can see with a fair degree of certainty can be affected or changed for the better? Also, kudos on the hundreds of day streak, I'm also wondering how the fuck you got there, feeling like you do... You must have a lot of resolve to feel like shite yet not turn to the ole pornhub... I'm trying like hell to just get a month clocked in..

 

Hell yeah, great post, I'm inspired! You just made me think of a strange coincidence... In AA circles they use this term "the fuck-its" for when one gets overwhelmed and gets the fuck-its and turns to drink or pills or porn or whatever... But the fuck-it mindset can be used in a positive way, as you do.

I'm 28 now, and I was fortunate enough to not struggle with the social anxiety stuff growing up, but over the last few years it's really weighed on me how much I feel like a failure and a freak deep down. I've made a lot of missteps as a young man, and it's all sunk in deep and heavy on my mind and conscience now. And for the first time I've had to deal with that kind of anxiety just to get out the damn front door.

But I have noticed the power of using "the fuck-its" in a positive way. I work a lot and I'm going back to school full-time, as well as trying to muster up the courage to do some therapy and some volunteering stuff over the next year. Sometimes you can think your way to courage through understanding the big picture, but sometimes its too complicated and confusing and riddled with triggering emotions, and when all that bullshit fogs the perspective, I've been learning to just say fuck it and jump... And thinking on it now, I can say for sure that this strategy has not let me down.

And I think it gets easier... Do you feel the same? That the more you accustom yourself to discomfort and uncertainty, the easier it is to have the courage to do it again?

 

Good post and nice profile picture as well

 

So what's the next mountain to climb for ya, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Have you tried body based therapy? It is true that the mind has a lot of power in our lives, but the mind is the body. Body based therapy such as Bioenergetics can MASSIVELY improve your social confidence. Think of it this way, if we live inside our bodies instead of our minds, the fear and anxiety dissipates. You could look up a guy called Devaraj Sandberg on YouTube. For me this has been life changing.

 

@BigBadWolf_27 Bruh, I feel ya. I spent so much time overlooking, or even resenting, normalcy growing up, and as a kid and a young man I thought I was like Hunter S. Thompson or something, that wily alcoholic could party and do drugs and go crazy and yet also maintain a prominent journalism career, support his family, and write everlasting novels... Me on the other hand, I'd get fucked up and play xbox with the other dorks I lived with, eventually stumble to my room, yerk off, write like a useless page or two in my journal, and re-watch Bojack Horseman til I passed out, or some such shite........

Now that I'm really seeing the value of a full, normal life, I feel like it's slipping through my fingers and oi vey... I'm truly scared I not only missed my opportunities, but that I don't deserve anymore... However! All the more reason to hold the line, move forward what I can with what I have where I am, and make sure that when a door does open, I'm right there ready for it, aye?!

 

I dislike these sorts of cliches but bear with me for a moment. Perfectionism, overthinking and unhealthy doses of self-judgement as sub-products of a kid that had to develop hyper-vigilance in their household so as not to have the bad aspects of parents attention devoted entirely to them.

There's this guy's content (social engineer & civilization design) that I've been binging for the last what, 6 months? It was such a pleasure not being able to predict his thought processes as someone who holds pretty deep interests and thoroughly studies neuroscientific parts of self-development. Having read a ton of auto-biographies from philosophers like Dostoevsky and Nietzsche gave me enough insight to know where hyper developed intellect leads to - which also makes me feel easily bored when hearing someone's unpolished, non self-critical ideas for the first time.

I'm stealing the guy's notion which roughly goes about how hyper-vigilant kids needed to step very carefully at certain times. How they trained themselves to not act as kids for a few hours of the day, mainly when parents are most irritable.
I have no idea if that will be any use to you so I'll just ramble a bit more on how that realization changed my way of framing my interactions with the heavier, more challenging aspects of early adulthood.

I was (still am) the sort of guy that thought to himself the human condition is already tragically, bad enough to be just another hindrance to anyone around me. I thought to myself it was more wise to reduce any chances of becoming a potential problem anyone I'd meet. Needless to say, being part of this outrageously, self-destructive flawed species I'd criticize myself by not acting up on my highest ideals. I wanted more control over people's lives through less obvious methods, that's a subtle problem to get a grasp onto. Virtuous manipulation if I may. After 10.000 attempts I saw myself gradually becoming more invisible to everyone around me.

People's lives can't get worse if they can't notice the problem right?
Seems silly but that's probably what went on with yours' truly's mindset.

For the reason of social beings and all that jazz, I could not bear feeling alone for too long so I copied a certain TV show and created new people (another me) inside my head. It wasn't someone I liked being around but was a good scapegoat that I could blame on why our lives had become such a misery up to that point in time. It became my life mission to punish his wrongdoings. I'd seek justice by always doing the opposite of what he wanted through weaponizing the most beneficial elements of self-development. If helping someone pack their groceries produced anxiety in both of us I would use it against him so as to becoming comfortable with unexpected interactions. The more ridiculous, the better. Rejection was something I aimed for.

Doing shit like that kinda minimized the catastrophization and helped me realize that predicting others behaviors wasn't as precise with results as I thought it to be. It didn't mean as much 15 minutes later when I would find another opportunity to embarrass myself.

It happens that when we are sensitive, we are more prone to look for success at every corner while wallowing in defeat every second of not having it. The longer we stay without winning, the more our chances of defeat increases. Our perception of time become twisted and our frame of mind impatient. But that's a story for another day.