How do you get a girlfriend

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Nix_, Jun 19, 2019.

  1. Nix_

    Nix_ Fapstronaut

    Well its a straight question. I literally do not know how to get a gf or escalate relationships with girls. Ive never had a relationship or anything close to a relationship
  2. this old man

    this old man Fapstronaut

    boy, that's a big question.
    FWIW im 50, been married for abt 20 years. I was a pretty classic geek in the 80s, not a hit with the ladies. After a couple of really really bad heartbreaks, I mean some stuff where even for people on the outside it was like watching someone faceplant on concrete - I felt like that point in a star trek episode where the shields are completely down and one more hit will do the Enterprise in.
    So I guess I got what they call "game" these days.

    When I found that "game" I was talking about, I was in a dark place from those hits and went on a little tear, nothing abusive - but the "hook ups" (never strangers, but casual things that weren't going to lead anywhere) were mutually self absorbed - there wasn't real connection. and I would actually feel ill during sex. The sex was kinda toxic.

    But (and I think this is common) as the pain had time to settle, I was able to plowshare that sword and take from those experiences some tools and perspective to relate to female type people I wanted to be closer to.

    Ok enough personal history

    I think the rise of PUA stems from that. Now, I think some of it has some value - the working on one's self and paying attention to presentation and social cues.
    Not the "picking up" itself. but honestly, I think a lot of guys involved in it aren't looking for "hook ups" but are looking for real relationships.

    It's a difficult question that there has been so much male (and female) thought on - I'll just offer some thoughts, some of it will sound like advice...and I suppose it is, from a personal perspective so feel free to ignore or disagree with any of it -- and it all come with an implied "for me" at the front.

    I think a central thing to throw out is the concept of "get a GF". I mean to not think about it as an acquisition type deal
    think about it like
    1) it's having in the sense of an experience (I had a great day), not have in the sense of ownership
    2) it's not a boolean. it's not you are/arent (at least until she decides that..and even then) - you are spending time together

    it's just a practical way to get in that mindset where you are comfortable with yourself. You're living your life and you are inviting her along. you are spending time with her. It's both respectful of her AND yourself (it's often that second part that trips guys up - martyrdom is NOT something anybody wants from or for you)

    Next, just admit to yourself and own your attraction to her...from the get-go. I mean don't make some declaration, but just take it as read - consider it obvious and let it just sort of permeate. "hey joe, seems like you are into Mary" -- "of course! What's not to dig about her"
    don't bother with roles..just friends, friends, wait is this a date?..all that
    You are you, you're attracted to her, and you'd like to spend time with her. You find her super cute it doesn't have to mean any big thing, but you do and that's just part of it.
    It helps set boundaries and contexts. and it's respectful to both parties - you don't get friend zoned so hard, and she doesn't get blindsided by her male "galpal" suddenly wanting something else.

    Personally, now this can vary a little in terms of how exactly you want to handle it. but if you find she's exploring the friendzone a little much by wanting to talk about some other guy with you - let her down easy with that but honestly, that it's not a topic of conversation with you. it could be just "eh, guys don't really like to talk about other guys like that" (that one is pretty neutral but reminds the whole situation that you are a guy - that's who you are) -- a bit more committed is "guys don't really like to talk about their competition" or something,it's a little more of a playa move or "well, I'm an interested party "or "I'm a little biased on that subject"
    Those last 2-3 are kind of lines, but I just wanted to give you examples - what I'm saying is be honest that it's not a subject you are comfortable or interested in talking about -- it's a matter of self respect and as you are being honest - it's respecting her

    As far as tangible things you can do proactively

    when you stand with your arms to your side, your palms should face directly inward toward each other - NOT palms facing back - it's a quick trick to help you adjust your posture ...head on a string and eyes forward.
    That is NOT an act to make you appear this way or that - it is a body positioning for you own physical and mental health. when you feel good you stand like that and when you stand like that it actually will help your mental state and allow you to engage with the world more, not hide from it eyes-down.
    but do not overthink the whys and hows - just do that (you'll slip a lot...that's ok)

    Do you have a sport? if not, find one.
    I don't mean that to be all jocklike - it's about engaging with the physical world including (but not limited to) your own body.
    it doesn't have to be a team ball sport. It could be fencing or track cycling or rockclimbing or whatever. Find something that really engages you.
    if you already have one great!
    I think sport can sometimes get a little mistaught and the philosophical even spiritual parts the parts about a man directly dealing with the mechanical world don't get emphasized enough.
    It's another thing that's not for display so much as it's for your own health and enrichment.

    OK I let that get long. If you noticed a pattern it's about work on self and becoming more self-possessed in that space.
    I think a lot of it is, if you don't address those fundamental issues early, then you have to play "catch up" in your interaction with the girl(s) and there's this feeling of some big, sometimes semi-creepy declarative move.
    But if you start with the basic premise and respect your own feelings (even the mild inklings at the beginning, just that you think she's cute or what-have-you) then each step in the flow is much smaller and smoother because you are always pointed down your path - there isn't some abrupt change in direction.
    and really, it 's very respectful of her b/c there's no weird ulterior motive stuff.

    so just try this stuff - to recap
    1) reframe it as an experience rather than an acquisition or possession. It's happening TO you just as much as you are doing it . Remember there's another soul every bit as large as your own involved. so you arne't the center

    2) just accept, to yourself, that you are attracted to her. You don't have to declare it, just treat it as obvious - don't actively hide it and it'll make itself known. It doesn't have to mean anything or that you are hitting on her (remember point 1 - by virtue of that, you aren't trying to "get" her). It puts that energy into the space in a non-weird manner and she can decide where she wants to be in that field and you can decide where you want to be with it

    3) do that posture thing - for you and your mind state not just for your physical health like flossing and not as a show to seem taller o rmore dominant or any of that. it's head up and eyes forward interacting with the world.
    After all, that's what you are hoping for, some interaction with her

    4) take a sport. again, not to be johnny football star or MMA tough guy Joe. But it's to integrate your mind and body especially in the physical world.
    because, again, that's what you are looking for with her. a more full, integrated experience with mind and body.

    Seems simplistic and oblique and not addressing "the real solution" but it's fixing swing mechanics and form. Right now you are trapped within yourself - and these things help yo present your true self out to the table. The self you would like to share with her.
    I knw it seems impossible right now, but it's really weird how when your find your rhythm and form it's a much simpler, flowier thing.
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2019
  3. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    First step is you have to be currently dating someone. Then if you find that both of you want to exclusively date each other, you both can have that exclusivity talk.
    Nix_ likes this.
  4. NewGeorge

    NewGeorge Fapstronaut

    Me neither, before anything else improving social skills is crucial, that's what I'm working on. Look people in the eye, have a good posture, be active in conversations etc. My confidence has increased, and talking to strangers and girls is now easier, however I still find it difficult to talk to a girl I really like.
    JB333 and Nix_ like this.
  5. Nix_

    Nix_ Fapstronaut

    This was an awesome read! Thanks for all the advice
    I am doing sports and my posture is kinda good im working on it, but im struggling with "admitting attraction" i think And actually interacting with girls for more than 20 seconds and not making it weird; i dont even have female friends to begin with
  6. Nix_

    Nix_ Fapstronaut

    Well thanks. How do you "date someone"
  7. Nix_

    Nix_ Fapstronaut

    Youre right. Having great social skills equates to having great relationships. Good luck bro!
  8. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    First you have to ask a girl out and then get her number and set up a date. If you see a girl you're attracted to, just go up and introduce yourself and ask her if you can take her out for a beer or lunch (nothing expensive for the first date). If she says yes, get that number.
    elevate and Nix_ like this.
  9. rt01386

    rt01386 Fapstronaut

    There's tons of different avenues that will lead to a relationship. Most of them are outside of your control right now because the best relationships start organically and kind of out of nowhere. But you're doing the right thing in the mean time! You can't get a gf without positioning yourself for the opportunity. What I mean by that is just keep talking to people! Even a bad conversation still counts as a conversation. Just keep talking to people in to people who are forced to talk to you back like the grocery store cashier, or the person taking your food order. You have to practice conversation, then use what you've learned when you talk to girls. No one got good at doing push-ups by watching someone do push-ups. You have to physically do them yourself to see change. No one ever just came out of the womb as a natural conversationalist. You have to practice, and tone the craft just like any other skill like reading, writing, coding, gaming, etc.

    When it comes to talking to girls (specifically), just ask them a bunch of questions. People LOVE talking about themselves. Eventually after asking enough girls enough questions, boom you have a girlfriend.
  10. Nix_

    Nix_ Fapstronaut

    Well thanks everyone! I'll sure use this advice and post any updates
  11. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

    Short answer: Nobody knows for sure! There are ways, there are methods, and there is a "unique case" of "you".
    Good luck nonetheless, it ain't rocket science.
  12. Fractured Mindset

    Fractured Mindset Fapstronaut

    I've only ever made one attempt (so far), and all I can tell you is if you have one you want, just tell her how you feel and know that failure is a real possibility.
  13. RockyMountain

    RockyMountain Fapstronaut

    Ok, so that was an awesome post. Did that just roll out of your head casually? Dang! I have read so many dating books and you summarized about 20 books in a few paragraphs.

    Thank you Sir! Great advice.

    Dating is about being engaged with the world PMO is the exact opposite.
  14. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    It's simple, but we like to make things more complicated than necessary so that it scares us from actually taking a risk on something that might not work. We instinctively know what to do, but we want to avoid the process of being incompetent and insecure with something beyond our current competency, confidence, comfort zone, and level of experience. So we do everything and anything other than the thing we know we should be doing.

    Yeah... I could talk to that girl................................ but I need to research more.

    I could try to meet new people..................... but I need more guarantees before trying.

    I could talk to more people throughout my day................................... but I don't know how to do it in a way where I can erase the possibilities of pain, problems, and negative experiences.

    Girls are human too. They're not as scary as you think. Get to know some. Introduce yourself. Socialize more. Make more mistakes. Fail. Get rejected. Sacrifice short term emotions for long term outcomes.

    Say hi.
  15. Sotovision

    Sotovision Fapstronaut

    I will give you a simple advice, so you can meet a woman and is go out and do what you like to do. If you like going to restaurants and taste something new and delicious (that's something I like to do) you will eventually meet someone, not just only a woman, but a person that is interested in your hobbies/life. If you like more indoor activities, then you gotta join an internet community so you can hang out with people all over the world that likes the same thing as you do and share stuff and all that, you know what I mean. But it requires social interactions, otherwise you won't find a woman.

    Also, take care of yourself. Self-Love comes first, and then you can have a woman. Take this advice from a person that met a beautiful woman and somehow manage to be with that woman, but that lady treated me like garbage in front of his friends, because I was a little chubby and had long hair. So I learned that in order to have a woman, to truly have a woman and be loved by someone, you gotta love yourself first, bro. Don't go around with those dirty nails, clean them! (If you haven't done so). And it's not only physical, you have to educate yourself. Not only to impress women, but for yourself. If you already are an educated person, then look for ways for improving your current knowlegde, set some goals on your carreer and go. Women and money will be the least of your problems.

    But IMO, stop looking for a woman, please improve yourself; You will meet tons of people on this really (really!) hard path that you, everyone and myself including have chosen. Remember, you don't have to do all that I told you at once (if you decided to), is a proccess, choose one and then another.

    PS: Go the gym, it gives you conffidence. And progressive overload will be your first friend at the gym :D
    Nix_ likes this.
  16. ace1234

    ace1234 Fapstronaut

    This really helped me man. I feel so disconnected from myself, my own attraction, and women. You gave me some hope and ideas. Thank you.
  17. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    How to get a girl? It’s easy.

    Buy yourself a pokeball, or a super pokeball, if you have luck you maybe find a masterball.

    Throw it on a girl, that doesn’t already have an owner, concrats. You have girlfriend.
    Kryo and Nix_ like this.
  18. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    I used to dread talking about myself. Slowly getting easier. I suppose what makes it difficult is I want to talk about the bad along with the good.
    rt01386 and Nix_ like this.
  19. You deserve a medal.
  20. rt01386

    rt01386 Fapstronaut

    That’s interesting. I never thought of it that way but you make a good point.
    RockyMountain likes this.

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