How far is too far?

S

SmgHeart

New Fapstronaut
Hi,
Completely new to this forum, and glad it exists. Before last night I was completely unaware of the extent to which pornography can affect sexual health and break relationships. I’m in desperate need of some serious advice and encouragement from those of you who are further down the road of helping their porn addict significant other.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and have known that he’s had an issue with porn. His libido rarely matches mine, and sometimes he struggles to stay hard (I’m assuming all relating to his addiction).

At the start everything was great - we were both each other’s first sexual partner so it’s only natural that things were going to be frantically passionate at the start. That has well teetered off and we’ve had open conversations along the way about his libido and how perhaps cutting out porn could help him to regain his libido. He promised me around a month or two ago he would stop.

Together, we were looking through his photos (we do that sometimes, to laugh at goofy pictures we take of eachother). I came across a video, which he played off at the start. I realised it was weird and he got very VERY emotional. I pressed and it was that’s he had hidden his phone and tried to take a video of us having sex without my consent. I left the room during the video (before anything happened) and he turned it off, ultimately deciding against it.

I am very open to anything sexually, and have previously once asked if we could take videos just mucking around and quickly deleted them. We did that and he wasn’t into it - why now? Why without my consent? I asked if it had anything to do with me not consenting? Whether that turned him on?

I feel completely violated and betrayed. He admitted he has a serious porn addiction and that withdrawing has been hard. I don’t know whether I should stay or go. He is a very beautiful person who I love deeply.

I just don’t know where the line should be drawn or the likelihood of him recovering. Please offer some wisdom! I said to him that I will stay with him and that we will get through it, together as a couple. I’m worried about his mental health and the effect breaking up will have on him (if needed). But I’m also worried I’m playing off something very serious with the video and I’m setting myself up to be sexually unfulfilled forever. I want to be with him, I love him... what should I do?
 
Then where would your concern be? I know that porn addiction is quite concerning, and that taking the video without my consent is as well. My overall sexual satisfaction is also important to me. His porn addiction does impact his sexual wellbeing which impacts my sexual wellbeing as well to a larger extent than I first realised.
 
SmgHeart said:
Then where would your concern be? I know that porn addiction is quite concerning, and that taking the video without my consent is as well. My overall sexual satisfaction is also important to me. His porn addiction does impact his sexual wellbeing which impacts my sexual wellbeing as well to a larger extent than I first realised.
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Personally? My concern would be figuring out why I was concerned about my long-term sexual needs being fulfilled after my boyfriend just betrayed & violated me. Idk, if my privacy was violated in a sexual manner the last thing I'd do is worry about.....sex.

I think the video trumps porn addiction but that's just me. Obviously your boyfriend has some serious issues that need more attention than regular abstinence.

If it were me, my priority would be to focus on myself & my worth.

Best wishes
 
What I meant by ‘sexual fulfilment’ was wanting sex again one day and being happy having it. Obviously right now I’m not there at all. Just wanted some insight from other people who have struggled with their SO and their journey quitting. The video itself and that violation is a massive issue and I’m not certain how I’ll feel long term about it. Still super fresh.
 
SmgHeart said:
Hi,
Completely new to this forum, and glad it exists. Before last night I was completely unaware of the extent to which pornography can affect sexual health and break relationships. I’m in desperate need of some serious advice and encouragement from those of you who are further down the road of helping their porn addict significant other.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and have known that he’s had an issue with porn. His libido rarely matches mine, and sometimes he struggles to stay hard (I’m assuming all relating to his addiction).

At the start everything was great - we were both each other’s first sexual partner so it’s only natural that things were going to be frantically passionate at the start. That has well teetered off and we’ve had open conversations along the way about his libido and how perhaps cutting out porn could help him to regain his libido. He promised me around a month or two ago he would stop.

Together, we were looking through his photos (we do that sometimes, to laugh at goofy pictures we take of eachother). I came across a video, which he played off at the start. I realised it was weird and he got very VERY emotional. I pressed and it was that’s he had hidden his phone and tried to take a video of us having sex without my consent. I left the room during the video (before anything happened) and he turned it off, ultimately deciding against it.

I am very open to anything sexually, and have previously once asked if we could take videos just mucking around and quickly deleted them. We did that and he wasn’t into it - why now? Why without my consent? I asked if it had anything to do with me not consenting? Whether that turned him on?

I feel completely violated and betrayed. He admitted he has a serious porn addiction and that withdrawing has been hard. I don’t know whether I should stay or go. He is a very beautiful person who I love deeply.

I just don’t know where the line should be drawn or the likelihood of him recovering. Please offer some wisdom! I said to him that I will stay with him and that we will get through it, together as a couple. I’m worried about his mental health and the effect breaking up will have on him (if needed). But I’m also worried I’m playing off something very serious with the video and I’m setting myself up to be sexually unfulfilled forever. I want to be with him, I love him... what should I do?
Click to expand...
Wow. I'm very sorry. This must be awful.
For what it's worth, addictions mess with your head and make things that are just weird or nasty seem normal. It's fairly well recognised (here at least) that porn use tends to escalate into darker territory because you become desensitised and need a bigger hit to get the same result. If he can recover, it is possible that he'll begin to improve and return to normal.

So, weigh what I'm saying (don't just take it on faith) but in my opinion, you have a few things you need to think about:
  1. Not everybody agrees, but I am strongly of the view that it is possible to be addicted to porn, in the same way that people can become addicted to gambling for example.
  2. If he's getting into a place where hidden cameras or sexual violence are a thing that turns him on, you need to be very careful. Essentially he is suffering from a mental illness, which means that he is not fully rational. That means you could reasonably expect similar things to re-occur if things go on as they are.
  3. It is possible to recover from this kind of thing, but it needs a significant input in terms of effort and desire on his part. If he doesn't want to get better (for himself, not just because you tell him to) he won't. IMO this is at least as hard as dealing with substance abuse. You can't fix him, but you can help him fix himself.
  4. Don't underestimate the power of shame. He probably sort of recognises that he's in a bad place, that will make it harder for him to come clean because he'll be so ashamed of himself. This is a problem, because addicts already use the source of their addiction to cushion bad emotions. More shame could easily make him relapse. I recognise that he is completely in the wrong here, but punishing him for it could leave you with results you don't want. Forgiveness and support are very powerful tools, though I do recognise that this is a gigantic thing to ask of someone in your situation.
  5. You can support him (if he has the desire to get well) but it shouldn't just be you. Send him here, and he'll get some positive input.
  6. Don't make yourself the gatekeeper (holding the internet passwords etc.) addicts are sneaky buggers. It shouldn't have to be your job to hold the keys, as you could easily find yourself in an ongoing battle of wits with a man craving a fix.
  7. There are a lot of people dealing with this kind of stuff, you don't have to do this on your own.
I also think you need to come up with some plans for yourself, they doesn't need to be very detailed (though I find it helps).
I suggest you might want to think about plans for:
  • What you will do if he appears to not be fully in control of himself (e.g. he is getting violent, or is taking hidden pictures again)
  • What you are going to do to help him, and what you expect him to do to show you that he is taking this seriously and is properly engaging with the process. What are your responses if he doesn't do this? Also don't think up sanctions you won't carry out. If he thinks he can call your bluff, he may just do that.
  • What are your red lines? At what point do you admit defeat and walk away? This is the real nuclear option, but if an escalating series of sanctions doesn't work, you don't want to be left hanging with "stop it, or I'll tell you to stop it again"
I do hope you find this helpful. If not then please ignore me!
Once again, really sorry for your situation. Hope it improves for you.
 
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SmgHeart said:
Hi,

I feel completely violated and betrayed. He admitted he has a serious porn addiction and that withdrawing has been hard.
Click to expand...

You sound like a terrific person, and what a way to find out ... wow. This sounds like a horror moment for real. Welcome to best place I have found to help deal with these kind of problems.

I hear 2 issues in your letter.

1) lack of trust because of the betrayal of the voyeur video.

2) how he really thinks of you?


1) lack of trust: well you cannot love without trusting. So to fail to trust is to kill the good intention to love. The reason you distrust is because you are trying to protect yourself from pain and disappointment. This is normal, but honestly you will need to accept the chance of pain; this is the hardest part of any relationship here on earth. It sounds good but honestly who can guarantee you can have risk-free happiness?

2) The video recording shows that your partner has mutated you into a sexual object. Don’t get me wrong, We all probably do this to some degree when we are getting to know someone, or thanks to tinder. It even comes in handy when we are far apart... a photo or video can go a long way.

But the part that is sad, (almost funny) and messed up is he forgot to delete it! I mean... dude, if you know it’s wrong then you delete it right? or at least guard your phone cause you got damning material on it...

Since that didn’t happen... either he is the most forgetful person ever cause he didn’t care if you ever found it, or he’s done it before so maybe it wasn’t a big deal???

Consider that You , in those moments, no longer are a relational being ; just his sex trophy. hence why I think you need to re-evaluate for yourself: “how does he truly value me?” Since he became the pornographer— ask yourself for whom was the video? Did he plan to share it for bragging rights or to fap to? Or both?

I really feel for you, you have a great heart. It gets better.
 
need4realchg said:
You sound like a terrific person, and what a way to find out ... wow. This sounds like a horror moment for real. Welcome to best place I have found to help deal with these kind of problems.

I hear 2 issues in your letter.

1) lack of trust because of the betrayal of the voyeur video.

2) how he really thinks of you?


1) lack of trust: well you cannot love without trusting. So to fail to trust is to kill the good intention to love. The reason you distrust is because you are trying to protect yourself from pain and disappointment. This is normal, but honestly you will need to accept the chance of pain; this is the hardest part of any relationship here on earth. It sounds good but honestly who can guarantee you can have risk-free happiness?

2) The video recording shows that your partner has mutated you into a sexual object. Don’t get me wrong, We all probably do this to some degree when we are getting to know someone, or thanks to tinder. It even comes in handy when we are far apart... a photo or video can go a long way.

But the part that is sad, (almost funny) and messed up is he forgot to delete it! I mean... dude, if you know it’s wrong then you delete it right? or at least guard your phone cause you got damning material on it...

Since that didn’t happen... either he is the most forgetful person ever cause he didn’t care if you ever found it, or he’s done it before so maybe it wasn’t a big deal???

Consider that You , in those moments, no longer are a relational being ; just his sex trophy. hence why I think you need to re-evaluate for yourself: “how does he truly value me?” Since he became the pornographer— ask yourself for whom was the video? Did he plan to share it for bragging rights or to fap to? Or both?

I really feel for you, you have a great heart. It gets better.
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Aren't you sleeping with multiple women in multiple countries?

Aren't you married?

Are you even qualified to give advice when you can't even tell your own wife of 14? years that you sleep with other women while on "business"?

You know who I feel for? The woman you lie to daily. Control. You don't even give her the option to stay or leave because you are deceiving her.

Shame shame.
 
EatCake said:
Aren't you sleeping with multiple women in multiple countries?

Aren't you married?

Are you even qualified to give advice when you can't even tell your own wife of 14? years that you sleep with other women while on "business"?

You know who I feel for? The woman you lie to daily. Control. You don't even give her the option to stay or leave because you are deceiving her.

Shame shame.
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Wow. One, yes I’m married. We don’t believe in divorce so it’s not an option.
Two, I was sharing everything with my wife until she asked that I stop a few years ago. No lying necessary. I live my life Independently.
Three I do agree I do have a problem with self-control or otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

I am comfortable discussing anything, but I never said I was the perfect role model. I don’t see why I should disqualify myself ? Are you suggesting that you understand the male prerogative? Again, I can say I do.

I think you may have good Intentions to criticize me and I wish to thank you for them. I know I need help for myself but , this isn’t about me.
 
need4realchg said:
Wow. One, yes I’m married. We don’t believe in divorce so it’s not an option.
Two, I was sharing everything with my wife until she asked that I stop a few years ago. No lying necessary. I live my life Independently.
Three I do agree I do have a problem with self-control or otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

I am comfortable discussing anything, but I never said I was the perfect role model. I don’t see why I should disqualify myself ? Are you suggesting that you understand the male prerogative? Again, I can say I do.

I think you may have good Intentions to criticize me and I wish to thank you for them. I know I need help for myself but , this isn’t about me.
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It has nothing to do with the male prerogative. Don't try & deter me.

Your male prerogative is asinine in this case & I pray this woman doesn't listen to you.
 
EatCake said:
F*@k you.

Tell someone that's had it happen to them how funny this is. You make my skin crawl. Ew.
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I am sorry you read my whole post and thought it was a joke or that I thought it was funny.

When it appears I am definitely more lighthearted than you generally speaking, I was pointing out the ludicrous-ness of how guys think, plan, execute.

Look, if you were a guy and you had something on your phone that was evidence of the creep you were, you would either delete it, or safeguard it. Assuming you are worried about the fallout.

That’s the point. If you have not ever experienced the double life , then me pointing it out might be completely over your head. I can almost hear the guys reading my text and head nodding. Lol. I’m trying to be gentle but explicit here, there’s is WAY more here than what was uncovered. And as a guy, I’m revealing that.

I still appreciate your feedback @EatCake for real. I am glad you call it like you see it. On the last thread it was interesting to see the point of view and I am respectful of that.

Thanks.
 
need4realchg said:
I am sorry you read my whole post and thought it was a joke or that I thought it was funny.

When it appears I am definitely more lighthearted than you generally speaking, I was pointing out the ludicrous-ness of how guys think, plan, execute.

Look, if you were a guy and you had something on your phone that was evidence of the creep you were, you would either delete it, or safeguard it. Assuming you are worried about the fallout.

That’s the point. If you have not ever experienced the double life , then me pointing it out might be completely over your head. I can almost hear the guys reading my text and head nodding. Lol. I’m trying to be gentle but explicit here, there’s is WAY more here than what was uncovered. And as a guy, I’m revealing that.

I still appreciate your feedback @EatCake for real. I am glad you call it like you see it. On the last thread it was interesting to see the point of view and I am respectful of that.

Thanks.
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Yeah. Nope. Still no bueno. Nice try, though.

You're a deer in headlights. I hope it *humbles* you.
 
SmgHeart said:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and have known that he’s had an issue with porn. His libido rarely matches mine, and sometimes he struggles to stay hard (I’m assuming all relating to his addiction).
Click to expand...
Yes, HUGE ISSUE!! RED FLAG. His addiction is way worse than you think or know. You should know this is a serious issue that is very difficult to get over for men.

SmgHeart said:
I am very open to anything sexually, and have previously once asked if we could take videos just mucking around and quickly deleted them. We did that and he wasn’t into it - why now? Why without my consent? I asked if it had anything to do with me not consenting? Whether that turned him on?
Click to expand...
Another HUGE RED FLAG! You must know that addicts substitute porn on screen with making YOU the porn and getting off on that. If he is taking videos of you WITHOUT your consent then there is a very real possibility that he is showing them to others and even putting them online.

As a SO of a PA for 17 years, and have 4 children with him, this shit gets deep and takes from your very soul. It will eat away from your self worth, your self esteem, your trust in others, and your ability to attach healthily to others. It does not stop and you will be on constant guard- anxious, worried, flashbacks, betrayal, lack of intimacy, lack of affection, emptiness, depression, grief. Shit gets real, girl.
You have to protect yourself and step away from this relationship now. I am not holding my tongue on this one--RUN. You are young and not married, do not have kids with this guy, and you owe him nothing. He has lied to you, hidden things from you, put you in danger by secretly taping you, and is selfishly jerking off and not taking care of your sexual needs. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It hurts to leave someone you have grown to love, but you are in love with the person you thought he was. Read some books on betrayal trauma. Learn to heal you. Do what is best for you.
 
SmgHeart said:
Why without my consent? I asked if it had anything to do with me not consenting? Whether that turned him on?
Click to expand...
That's your answer. Voyeurs get off on the fact that their victims don't know you are recording them. It's wrong, but that is how their brains are wired. He is invading your privacy. That is a huge red flag.

https://www.merckmanuals.com/profes...sphoria,-and-paraphilias/voyeuristic-disorder
"When observation is of unsuspecting people, this sexual behavior often leads to problems with the law and relationships. Voyeuristic disorder involves acting on voyeuristic urges or fantasies with a nonconsenting person or experiencing significant distress or functional impairment because of such urges and impulses."
 
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