How on earth do you overcome crippling insecurities when in a relationship with a porn addict and wo

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Jmar90, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    My partner is trying very hard not to watch web cams etc he hasnt watched anything or masturbated for several months as he is now aware he has a problem. He is also trying hard not to look at every woman who walks by. I'm not expecting him not to look, just not to stare. We are at a stage in our relationship where because of past issues with porn etc I lack hope for the relationship and want to build that and the trust again. The problem lies in me getting over that and the lies and gaslighting. Accepting he had/has a problem and getting some self esteem back. I'm not an unattractive girl. I'm fairly pretty, good figure etc. I've never had insecurities past the norm until this. How has anyone else coped? Thanks all :)
     
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  2. Grman

    Grman Fapstronaut

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    If you feel something for him and if he trying to stop this keep going!
    Porn made us other persons. Forget this bad person and continue with the new.
     
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  3. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Anyone ?
     
  4. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    What is he doing to show you he's committed to recovery besides abstaining from the behavior? Is he seeing a therapist or has he joined a support group, online or IRL? Has he educated himself about the addiction to help him identify triggers and learn healthy coping skills? Does he journal or have an accountability partner? If he now realizes he has a problem, he has to be willing to actually work his recovery. Otherwise, it's usually just a matter of time before they fall back into the addiction. White knuckling it almost never works forever. They have to understand that abstinence does not equal recovery. If he doesn't dig deep and figure out what drove him to P in the first place, he can't learn healthier ways to deal with it and will likely continue using P instead.

    While it will be beneficial for you to find your own path to healing, mending the relationship isn't completely dependent on you "getting over it." You can't rebuild trust if he doesn't intentionally do things to help rebuild it. You can't do the work for him.

    Unfortunately, feeling insecure is a common part of betrayal trauma. It happens to nearly all SO's who are in this situation. There's a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It does a great job of explaining your side of this process. It helped me understand so much about everything I was thinking and feeling which made it easier to work through.
     
  5. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. He has done nothing other than abstain which has always bothered me. I am his accountability partner but it's something I discovered from reading on here and encouraged him to use on his devices. I've done all the leg work in trying to solve the problems, even trying to pin point the problems from his past. Talking though and supporting him. I hope there is light at the end but I feel its over.
     
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you both need healing therapy for recovery. I would suggest a therapist trained in sex addiction (CSAT) for him and/or a 12 step program like SA, SAA, or CR. For you, a therapist or coach trained in betrayal trauma. You can find a coach at www.apsat.org . A couple of other great websites for you to help begin your healing journey are www.bloomforwomen.com and www.btr.org .
     
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  7. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    Never hurts to just sit down and lay out expectations with a loving tone and open mind. My last relationship failed because we just didn't want to talk to each other about what was/is really important
     
  8. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    We do talk. All the time that's the problem now. I over analyse everything. I have no trust for him and because of how insecure I've become I feel like "why wouldn't he want to look at other women or watch cams because I'm not good enough for him" which I know is BS but my mind is telling me that. The porn isn't so much the problem, it's the lies and how he would make out I'm going mad in order to hide his addiction. I know that if a accountability was turned off it would only be a matter of time. Thanks all for your replies x
     
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Hope4healing is spot on here.

    Abstinence is not rehabilitation.
    It’s step one.

    Boundaries are the best step for you in order to help him and yourself. Addicts need order. Addiction creates chaos and we want to organize ourselves out of it. Lots of tips and tricks but some order for you (despite him) is really helpful. Once you are safe, you can soothe him and the lying can be disarmed. The pa can focus on their own growth instead of worrying how it affects you. I think lying in addict mode has a lot to do with self preservation and partner protection.

    A good boundary is how you do this. If you sever his need to protect you, it takes away motive to lie in order to keep you happy. If you choose to stay together while you go through this just know it’s quite tough.

    And I would also say—don’t become “nurse” to him as his accountability partner at thus point. Yes he needs help but you have a conflict of interest in serving as an AP.

    Addicts need to rebuild lots of weak, diseased and disconnected parts of their character. Some of that is best done without their partners’ watch— but with an AP, or a group of guys he can relate to. Otherwise, it’s a temporary stop gap, no roots, just weeds of change.

    Also— it’s not quick. Not your timetable not really his either.
    Imagine you need to grow a tree that’s currently diseased and hollowed out. Will take some time.

    Pmo is all about running away from life. So he will need to face the world and living that way instead of how he is used to hiding takes time.

    Lots of good voices here too, ask whatever you need— I wish you well.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019
  10. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Talking to you all makes me feel like a weight has been lifted and at the moment that is a great feeling as I feel crushed. When I get 5 minutes I will write a longer post in reply. X
     
  11. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    I think if I go into the background of everything it may be helpful to create a clearer picture of the situation but also I think it's cathartic for me to actually write it all down regardless of whether anyone reads this or not. My partner has never been in a long term relationship before and has not had the best of role models growing up. His grandfather was a womaniser, he had 2 older brothers who were into girls and porn from an early age meaning he was exposed to it early. He made a discovery whilst seeking out porn on the family computer. The discovery was his fathers crossdressing. Something he kept a secret from everyone until he disclosed it to me not long after we met. He was also bullied as a child and has had quite a difficult time making close relationships in his life. His father is a very troubled man, he shows very little respect for his mother and is generally quite a poisonous person due to his upbringing. In saying this, he is not a bad man he is just very troubled. There is obvious addictive tendencies in the family and a history of lying and deceit, the fathers cross dressing etc. His older brother had a gambling addiction etc. My partner has had addictions to food, drugs ( weed) etc all of which he has a level of control over. He no longer smokes weed as he decided enough was enough. This was a decision made by himself, for himself before we met. He didn't see the porn as a problem until I made it clear that I wasn't happy for him to be turning it on every time I left the house or the opportunity presented itself. He was in the routine of masturbating every night before he went to bed. This was before we met. He has never chose porn over sex nor has he PMO while I've been in the house, or so he says. He would actively stare at women and when questioned he would become quite defencive etc. He isn't actively degrading towards me or them for example he doesn't say anything to them or try to belittle me. He says he was unaware of this problem and if he was aware he didn't see at the time that he was doing anything wrong. He has since said he understands how that shows me no respect etc. He would go to the toilet and look on websites showing clips of women getting their breasts out etc. Basically he has fine tuned himself to see women as sexual objects and constantly felt the need to 'consume' them whether that be watching live cams or ogling women in the street. He has never shown the same level of interest in me as a person, he doesn't ever look past the exterior really. He has a very good heart at the bottom of it all and he is a good person but he lacks self awareness and is fairly immature. I have suggested he speaks to his father about his discovery to allow himself to progress as a person and mature. He believes that because he is abstaining from watching the cams and not looking at women when I'm around that he is now a reformed man. We run a business together and are always with each other. The opportunity is very rarely there for him to use porn and even if it were we have accountability on all known devices. As I've said I'm sure that if this were removed and I were out more it would become a problem again. He doesn't believe there is anymore to do in his recovery. I can't believe that someone who claims to love me and be attracted to me would lie and decieve in such an awful way to hide this behaviour. I had to force the lies out by pretending to him that I could prove on a certain occasion that he had been watching the cams. It wasn't until he thought there was nowhere to hide that he confessed to it. Until then he was telling me that I was being ridiculous and that I had a problem and I should back down as I was beginning to ruin the relationship etc. I was seeing things that weren't there. I made this clear to him on previous occasions that I was beginning to feel insane. Yet he still chose to do that to me... All the while I was dealing with being heavily pregnant, loosing my father suddenly a week before our son was due to be born. Losing my Grandfather 7 months later in a similar fashion and helping my alcoholic mother out of her own dark space. Is it possible that whilst watching the person you supposedly love go through all of that you could still do that to them for the sake of porn? Sorry for the rant guys but I feel better already
     
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  12. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    You bet. All that and worse. I'm so sorry for your situation.
     
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