How to be supportive while managing my own reaction?

Asking for what you need should be easy enough and you should do that. Him meeting your needs should be part of his recovery. Getting this problem out in the open is a good thing, as it's a great opportunity to talk to him about what he needs and what you need.

If you can be a little patient, then you might not need to make the distinction between supportive for him and supportive for you. Start with him and if he's on track you should notice the difference.

He may very well be primarily driven to M as a stress coping mechanism and the side effect is his desire for you, it's hard to keep the desire up when one is taking care of oneself even if that isn't the intention.

As for checking up on him and your worry, that's something to discuss together. In general, the suggestion would be for him to find an accountability partner that isn't you and that might include software, etc.

Lastly, it almost certainly would not matter if you looked average or like a supermodel, the drive is for easy pleasure (or novelty if porn or fantasy is involved)

 

No - you will never be able to measure up to an addiction , and that’s okay. A key part of addiction is tolerance and escalation (meaning the addict will seek out more and more intense experiences to feel the same way), so the addiction does not measure up to itself! Don’t try to compare yourself to it.

It is absolutely nothing to do with you.
You did not cause it, you couldn’t have seen it, and you can not cure it. You will find support in these forums from partners who can affirm these things.

You will worry, and that’s also okay. He needs a relapse prevention strategy and some written down boundaries, but you cannot help him feeling triggered to act out - it’s how he then deals with those triggers that is important.

Read and get knowledgeable on the subject of addiction. I highly recommend Sex Addiction 101 by Dr Rob Weiss, or Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction by Paula Hall for him, and Sex Addiction, the Partners Perspective by Paula Hall or Prodependence by Dr Rob Weiss for you.

And lastly, just to be clear, I am also an addict so any partner advice is probably skewed by my perspective.

 

No, you cannot measure up to himself because it’s a fantasy...and you are real. No, it is not because of you. It existed before you and will exist after you if he doesn’t choose recovery. Enforceable Boundaries will allow you to feel more comfortable and not worry (as much). Your feelings are valid and as long as you express them without abuse you aren’t responsible for his reaction including shame. His actions have affected you and they have consequences.

 

I'm in a similar situation. I'm glad you asked all thaoe questions because I have pretty much the exact same ones.