How to tell if recovery commitment is real?

Hasn't found one that works for him yet? He's not trying hard enough. There are so many resources and, guess what, they all pretty much work for everyone if the person is willing. They all pretty much do the same thing. Some don't like the god thing in 12-steps, ok then try SMART recovery. Some people want one-on-one care at first. OK, find a CSAT. Really, it's not that hard. Has he tried a google search yet? I don't mean to be smug (well, ok a little) but I mean, come on. He's stalling.

If none of those things work for someone, the only conclusion I can draw is what others have said already. The person is not ready yet.

I mean what I am about to say to be helpful and I hope you take it as such. In situations where an addict won't get help on his/her own, the best thing a partner can do is lay down boundaries. Your helping him with the problem is helping him stall. I'm not offering any advice on specifics. I don't know either of you and it's just not my place. But stop helping him.

Peace to you,
-Quinn

 

Let me rephrase that last part a little bit, I don't want you to think I think any of this is your fault.

His stalling is a manipulation tactic. Active addicts are manipulative. He is using your help to stall. That's on him. However, it's up to you to close the door on that manipulation to protect yourself. If/when he gets clean, he can make amends for that but the manipulation won't stop unless he does get clean. He probably isn't even aware that's what he's doing.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Unfortunately I think the answer is you can’t. You can’t ever really know and that’s part of the loss of trust that comes with the addiction and the hiding. The only way to actually “know” is by future behavior and you can’t know that right now. It’s only when enough time has passed that he’s been honest and not pmoing. For many SOs though the addict was lying for the entire relationship. So if say you are in a 20 year relationship. For many that’s 20 years of lying and pmo so will a year of honesty and no pmo repair that? Unlikely. I left my ex but we were only together a few years and the truth is I know that I would have never been able to trust him in the way that a partner should no matter how much time passed.

I don’t think he’s doing it just for you because if I understand your timeline he slowed down trying to quit on his own for two years before Dday. So he did not do this in response to being caught. But I also don’t believe a pmo addict can be in recovery or “cut back.” That’s like an alcoholic having a drink every few months it does not work. I would venture w guess that the reason he got off NoFap was because people were saying things he was not ready to hear. I suspect he knows this is a problem but is just not at the point where he’s ready to do what it will take to truly recover. When will he be there? It’s hard to know. But that’s his decision and his alone.