How?

I would be willing to bet that you have experienced progress. 254 days! That took determination and self control both of which make for a better more well rounded person. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say and you are absolutely correct to write: "a relapse would stop my progress and lead to a binge". There's a saying, Look to the end. So my friend, hang in there and LOOK TO THE END.

 

Dude, always remember that if you relapse you'll feel bad and lose all the progress. Do you want to go back to that bad habit again? Don't do that. Porn will wrap your brain and you'll start wanting to masturbate to it more. Save yourself.

 

I skimmed your journal. Gotta say, I'm impressed. It looks like you're not just 254 days, you've been white knuckling the entire time. Your will is stronger than mine, that's for certain. You said you feel like a fraud, being clean for this long and still fighting. None of the benefits like the clear mind, the confidence, seem to have materialized. The only thing you can point to is you have more time.

Something's not right. You have more than a PMO problem that needs to be addressed. Before the other stuff just a quick check in; have you replaced the dopamine? You said you're a big guy, so you walk. That's good, but have you considered lifting? 15 mins of exercise daily gives a statistically significant boost to your mental health, and I've found the more intense the better. Second point; have you cut off fantasy? I did see an allusion to keeping your mind engaged, which is great, but if you've been letting mental triggers play out a little longer than you know is good for you, that might explain the ongoing wet dreams and the prolonged struggle with full on PMO. If the brain thinks access to dopamine is still on the table through those channels, especially if it isn't getting enough dope anywhere else, it's no surprise it keeps knocking on that door.

Diagnostic over. Even if both of those things aren't fully under control, I still think there's more to your story. You don't like yourself very much. You don't express full self loathing like I have sometimes, but you still sound depressed. Have you considered therapy, talking with your priest, and/or medication?

You're a beast. You have a lot to be proud of. I know it's hard, but it seems to me it's been harder for you for a lot longer than most. Hope you find a solution, and keep us posted.