I am so addicted I cannot even go one day. I honestly keep trying and trying

as I get older and older and more insane it just becomes harder and harder.

i used to be able to go a few weeks when i was younger, i think 50 days was longest i went, when I exercised every morning A LOT.

another time i ran for 2 hours every morning for like 2 months.

and when I was 14 i think i just forgot about it and went 2 or 3 months.

each time after I went a long time without, my life normalized, I felt like a normal human being. all the rest of my life I've been sort of sick.

I want to live so bad. the pull of the abyss becomes stronger and stronger. i was in my house and could find things to do, which helped tremendously but then all the property taxes and mortgage piled up and I lost my house, and now i'm in tiny room with nothing really to do and it's gotten worse.

it's not really porn it's just girls. i have no idea why it's so strong, to want to talk to them, and let them feel my energy and give them my energy.

it's weird I saw this japanese game show, and they were explaining, how the girls get energy from the guys. I mean, it was like a prime time tV show and they were explaining these things, the Japanese culture seems to have a really deep philosophy about such things that is actually sort of expressed in mainstream you know, in all the anime you see such deep understanding of all these things about the life force.

but I still don't understand this CRAZY compulsion to destroy myself, it feels like maybe just unbearable boredome but at same time, i KNOW i i could go without for a couple months i would not be bored and could concentrate and do things.

I do wonder if it's some kind of psychic attack. I could go into so many reasons why i believe that.

but my father would compulsively masturbate, and he didn't even have porn or internet. I'm not really sure what the problem was but he was just super frustrated with life in general. I don't mean he would expose himself, just constantly grabbing his nuts, rubbing them , fondling them, constantly, driving seems to drive him nuts, he would do it more aggressively under the stress of driving.

now that i'm older i can understand, the stress of life gets so depressing that you HAVE to feel something GOOD or ELSE, im not sure what happens. it's like you're struggling to keep from drowning in an ocean of pure shit and sadness and stress and bad feelings. like you'll just stop breathing if you can't feel some kind of pleasure in life.
in fact, this year i simply DID stop breathing in my sleep. i have to keep FORCING myself to breathe, because I hate life so much.

I heard on 700 club, Pat Robertson's son, Gordon Robertson say that 'sexual immorality is as the sin of complaining'. at first I laughed but the more i thought about it....

why do people use the word 'fuck'? when they are frustrated? they are saying it to complain, yes?? and what is complaining? it's crying. it's sadness.



makes me think of how porn was called 'blue movies' in the old days.

people used to believe that depression, or melancholy was caused by 'blue devil', which Duke Blue DEvils name comes from. that's why blues music, was called the 'blues', after blue devils.