I don’t know why I did this. I don’t recommend it.

I go back and forth on whether knowing the details is helping me or not. My husband on the other hand, preferred women who are very similar to me - dark long hair, petite, same chest size, etc. He even has a fantasy about laying an almost me - but not me - down on a bed.... It's so insulting I don't even know WHAT to do with it. I'm left feeling like, yipee skipee I'm just the in flesh one but no better than all the others. I can handle the lies, but this is just sickening for me. I cannot get around it to the point that I'm pretty certain I'm going to be the one that tanks our marriage in the end.

 

I deeply understand you. I did the same thing about my boyfriend's favorite prostitute. He was seeing many many girls (1-2 per week in 3 years). I found out when I checked his phone so I was able to find these women advertisements by googling phone numbers event without asking him.
Seeing those pictures was hurting enough
but, stupid me, I asked him if he had any favourite girs and why.
It was year ago and I'm sure I could cope much much better without his answer ;-(
What is worse I also found website where men in my country share details about their meeting with hookers so I red few pages with revievs about how beautyfull and amazing this girl is and what she can do in bed.

I would be happy to give you some advice but I'm still struggling with this myself.
It is helpfull when I just tell myslef 'Stop. Don't let her walk all over you again and again. Don't let her do this thing to your head. No matter how hot is she she just don't deserve to be on your mind so often.'
But it sucks anyway ;/

I hope you're going to feel better, the less spacer you left for this in your head the better, but I know it's not easy.

I think the good thing is that your boyfriend is honest with you and he was trying to warn you that it may be not the best idea to know.
My boyfriend was honest about his favourite girl (lucky me) but keep lying about many other things.
I think that if he really is completly honest with you even if its not easy, it is a good sign and gives a lot of hope for the future.

 

By the way: his favorite porn performer is soon to be replaced by some other woman. Internet pornography builds on constant novelty. Some further reading on this:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...rn/porn-novelty-and-the-coolidge-effect-2011/

He throws them away carelessly to replace with some other performer. In contrast, he cares for you. So, no need to worry at all about not being attractive to him or to compare yourself with photoshoped pictures. Porn comes with a lot of issues that need be addressed, but looking different than any random porn performer is really not one of those. Rather be proud NOT to look similar to one of them

 

Men are very visually oriented. And there will always be someone who looks better than you. Denying that is naïve. Think about getting older. When you're a granny, of course you're not going to compete in sexual appeal with a 19-year-old. Porn is based almost entirely on that. A relationship is not.

 

I did an experiment once. To see if my perception of beauty changes over time as new beauty comes along.

So I took photos of celebrity or model (no P or nudity) online that I find beautiful and attractive, mostly head and shoulder shots. And saved to my hard drive.

I remember there was one that was very beautiful and pleasant to look at. Guess what? Soon after another beauty replaced the previous one... and whoever I find beautiful at the moment will remain so UNTIL another beauty comes along. So from this I learn not to chase after the wind because the eyes are never full and satisfied.

 

Your post is very helpful and wise but in that quote, I don't think it's like that. Some men like some men don't. Some care more about a different body part. So in my opinion the most important thing is that for normal men it's not that relevant when they chose their partner because they see this particular woman as a whole person, not body parts. And in that meaning, it's just not important how big your body part is.

However, our partners are not normal (sorry, it sounds bad but I'm just trying to say that addict brain works differently) so it is possible that there are men with a huge passion for a particular big body part. But every addict is different so I'm sure we can also find an addict who doesn't care about that body part and probably most of the addicts like variety so their preferences change and evolve.

The same about your writing that favorite porn star change with time.
True but for us, It's still hurting. Most of the women that I know think that men just pick up the movie, masturbate, turn off the movie. Without feeling fascinated about a particular porn star, without knowing or remembering her name.
So yeah we do know they change we do know one perfect woman doesn't exist but I guess we all prefer you not knowing their name, not thinking about any particular person when you start feeling like you need to watch something.

And we do know that porn stars are nothing like a 'stars'. And they probably have a shitty life. But we also know that for addicts they are "stars". Have you ever read comments on porn sites? 'God I would marry her for that boobs' or 'Perfect women'. In their state of mind that is how some addicts see that women.
Of course, I hope it will change with recovery but it took some time and effort, and originally it is what it is.
Believe me, it's even harder for us that our addict doesn't care about objectifying women doesn't think 'wait, maybe she was child abuse and that's why she ends up in porn so it sucks using this'.

In my opinion your write really amazing about how things should look like or how it looks for you but not how it could look at some point for different addicts. I know you have good intention and you share your time to help us, women, understand better but for me it's important to remember that there is a person beneath addiction so you can't write as a true for everyone sentences like 'It is not true that men like women who are 'big in places where you are not'. Believe me'. As far I know you're just yourself, not every man But I still want to emphasize that your perspective, when you write about your experience without trying to spread it on every man is extremely valuable for me.

 

regardless of your religious background, here’s a very helpful Q and A on appearance and body image that I’m sure will encourage you.

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/im-obsessed-with-my-appearance-how-can-i-stop

I might say more later when I’m at my computer.

 

I'm sorry you had to experience that. It must have felt like a knife.

But you need to remember something:
-porn stars have makeup artist and frequently apply make up to their entire bodies, even airbrushing
-they are frequently styled professionaly
-most undergo multiple plastic surgeries, dental work, lipo, etc
-video is often processed through filters and other edits
-porn stars often workout a lot and diet to maintain their bodies
-porn stars are actresses and are not acting like real women do. They are caricatures and tropes of females.