Ever since I found out one of his favorite p stars names, I can’t help but keep revisiting her Twitter/Instagram accounts. I even tried glancing at some videos too, but I just get so disgusted with that stuff I couldn’t bring myself to look very hard. I know I’m not supposed to take it personal, it has nothing to do with me, the works. But I can’t help but feel so shattered. I didn’t always feel this way, but I now look in the mirror and feel ugly. I used to be pretty comfortable in my own body as I am very slim, big boobs, smaller butt, but it’s not been something I was self conscious about until I learned he was definitely a butt guy. And looking at her.... she’s a solid woman. Even bigger fake boobs that aren’t saggy from nursing, different color hair, big ass, tattoos. Just not me at all. I never initiate anymore because I lost all that confidence, especially after seeing what little I did of her performing. THAT’S what he likes? What turns him on? I just hate all of this so much. It’d be one thing even finding this stuff out as something he did/was into before we were together (it would definitely still be something that offended me), but it’s just so hard to know it’s what he was looking at in our marriage too. Does anybody else torture themselves this way?
Sorry you're going through this. I'm excited my wife didn't ask for these types of specifics. Some thoughts that came to mind that may or may not be helpful. 1. You're real and she's not 2. He married you for a reason, I'm sure physical attraction was part of it 3. Nothing good can come from you comparing yourself to her - not looks or activities or anything. 4. This may be the controversial part - but every person is going to notice beauty in the world in some way or another. I know my wife thinks ryan reynolds it hot. I will never be ryan reynolds no matter what I do. I have to live with that and also recognize that I'm not actually competing again him. The difference is how/when/intent/post actions. I'm guessing you'll notice a hot guy in a movie or real life, the difference is you aren't seeking him out and fantasizing about him and going back over and over. Odds are he'll always notice someone who is good looking, but he needs to change (and do it consistently enough fou you to notice the change) the intent, and post actions relating to it. Lastly - if you know checking her out is hurting your mental health, maybe the best action right now it to block the chances of you viewing her as well. Social, web, etc. It doesn't seem any good is coming from it and as an internal mental health check, it can't hurt for you to take a break too. One last edit: as a PA who caused my wife harm, it should be him convincing you that he wants you. I get the trauma and insecurities, but I really hope you're telling him and he's doing his best to reassure.
I never asked my husband for names. I was aware there were a few favorites he had, but I didn't want to know what they liked like because I knew I would do exactly as you did: look and compare myself to them. I would block her from your accounts if I were you. It isnt helping you or him to look at her. It isnt helping you to heal if you're in a constant state of unrest by looking at her. You had something that P didn't have. You have love. You're real life. You're someone he can talk to. Those pixels, no matter how many times he looked or whatever, could never compare to what you have to offer as a spouse. In that way, you're better than them. As hard as it is to see that now, that is the truth. When my husband first started his recovery process, I was his AP, his counselor, and the person he had to confess every little detail to. This is not something I would recommend to anyone. Is he on this site? Is he seeing a counselor? Is he doing what he can to recover? Are you in counseling? If not, I would strongly recommend it. This takes a huge toll on us mentally and physically over time.
I haven't asked either. Unfortunately, I happened across this one back before he got an AP, I received his first report and he was testing out the system. Thank you for all your advice. And I get it, it's just always been a hard concept for me to swallow knowing that, yeah I can find a male attractive. But #1 I hardly ever notice because I just am not even ever looking and #2 When I do notice, I would never fantasize, think inappropriately and could never ever ever imagine MO'ing to someone else. I get it, it's an addiction, it's not about the intimacy or sex. I truly get that. But in the same breath, I never will understand because I just would never do the same. He is all I want, I only have eyes for him. It's so hurtful knowing that, yes it had nothing to do with me technically, but he was still viewing/lusting/masturbating to other women. I can't see myself ever getting past that thought hurting. That's a good idea. One day I went through and reported like 50 of her tweets, because they're supposed to be censored. However, twitter cares more about censoring political agendas than things that actually should be censored. Like who gives a crap if the president is tweeting something that may be wrong (I live in USA btw). That type of content isn't as potentially damaging as the straight-up, hardcore P you can find on there. What the heck!! Thanks for that. Yes, it really is so hard to see. It's easy to tell myself things and *know* but not necessarily to apply it to the way I am thinking if that makes sense. He is in counseling weekly, not on this site, no. He is taking all the right steps. We have covenant eyes installed and all social media deleted. He's been very good throughout this process, he doesn't want to be this way and he wants to change. My husband's situation really helps me see the addiction aspect of it because I have never seen someone hurt themselves so bad by wanting to stop something but not being able to. He's never deflected on me, been super supportive of my hurt, I really am lucky in that sense. I am seeing two therapists, each once a week. But sometimes I feel so fucked up, that just isn't enough.
You need to give yourself credit as much as possible too. You're dealing with a lot, on more than one front, and being forced to face a lot of stuff in a short time. I'm glad he's doing what he can, and it's important for you to be vigilent about that, however is that's item 1A in your brain, then 1B needs to be self care. Meditation, podcasts, reading, walks, gardening, whatever brings a bit of happiness into your life, do it.
I'm glad to hear that you both are taking the right steps towards healing. I agree with @Trobone about self care. I wish I could offer more advice about the thoughts and feelings, but I'm still there myself. I'm also glad to hear that he is supportive of you and your healing. The addiction aspect is what led me to research in this topic that I'm currently working on. One one hand, it is interesting to see the structural changes in the brain and wonder about how to reverse them from a neuroscience standpoint. On the other hand, it is hard to experience the betrayal that goes with it when your husband is addicted. I know what I said is hard to see, and I still struggle with it as well. I figure if I say it enough times to others and myself, that it will integrate into my mind too.
Oh no! That is the worst. It hits you in the gut so hard. I unfortunately did the same thing. It’s so hard to not compare and I had to realize that we are not comparable. I am real, she is not. I am a fantastic landscape. She is a cardboard cutout. She is easily replaceable. I am not. Repeat. (It’s still crap! And I hate it and everything about it!) Here is my post when I was losing it. I received some responses that were pretty comforting/reassuring and I hope they help you too. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/i-don’t-know-why-i-did-this-i-don’t-recommend-it.293231/
