I found it again...feel like it will never stop

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Worndown40, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Worndown40

    Worndown40 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I am here because this is first place I have found - after a lot of searching - that offers support like this. I have caught my husband for the fourth time in lies and porn addiction. I feel so betrayed. I have no one in my life to share this with...and I do not know where to turn.

    I first caught him before we were married. He was young and it affected his desire for intimacy. He told me it was nothing, then I found him at 2 am. The second time I caught him was a few years later. He had sworn he could stop but he was wrong. The third time was two years ago, and I left for three days. This past week, I found him looking at no kidding naked underwear "models" that I guess are pretending to sell body suits but really are basically naked. Each time, I realize he just got smarter about hiding it electronically but the desire did not stop.

    So, I think I am at a crossroads. I am 40 and have been with him since we were 22 years old. He is sad and ashamed, but then he relapses.

    My dad is an alcoholic...not violent but heavy drinker. I always thought I would take care not to be with an addict, because of what I saw my mom experience. And here I am, looking at apartments online and considering a lonely divorce because I do not know if I have enough in me to survive another betrayal. I am sick physically and emotionally...

    Worn Out and worn down.

    Would love to hear your thoughts - I care about him but I do not think I can stay to go through all of this again and again. I do not even think I can be with him physically now, after he could not...did not keep his promises. He did it while I was suffering from a major medical event. My heart is so broken.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
    Lostneverland likes this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    He worndown40. I will share with you what I have learned over the years...
    What you resist will persist. Period point blank.
    I grew up surrounded by alcoholics and womanizers. I never became an alcoholic or a drug addict, I am however a smoker. I swore I would never marry an alcoholic...I did. I didn’t respect men who were womanizers...and swore I would never marry one. I didn’t but I did marry a porn addict, unbeknownst to me for 17 years...lol...go figure!

    So the other day...I decided to instead of running from the addictive demons I would face them and fight them, but not alone with the addict. Each person in the relationship contributes to the problem. Addict, enabler, etc...

    I need to change my behaviour. I can preach, judge , condemn, withhold etc...or I can set boundaries...CLEAR NON-Negotiationable boundaries that protect me. OR I can walk. I’m not ready to walk yet.. I have set clear boundaries. It’s up to my PA to respect those boundaries and me to enforce them. So far it’s working. That said I know there’s still more I have to learn, which should be forth coming in his full written disclosure.

    For me it got to the point of this is what I need, want and deserve. Also everyone is different and no one has to stay in the relationship. My PA, has had to hit complete rock bottom..I watched him fight his secret war and it wasn’t easy. Now he’s facing the consequences. He knows I’m serious in what I say...and appears to respect it. Time will tell.

    I have had days and nights of complete anxiety, depression, anger, resentment and sheer contempt....and I have had great days of peace and joy. Ya life is definitely a journey.

    Please always remember too, his behaviour isn’t about you not being good enough. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT...hold your head high and demonstrate openingly and honestly that you have the power the take care of you and to set limits and boundaries.

    Peace be with you on the journey
     
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  3. Worndown40

    Worndown40 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response. It means a lot that I am not alone. I like the idea of setting a clear boundary and I will do the same. I also am hoping he will consider joining this site for his own help. I agree that it cannot be done alone. I do know I need to work on my tendency to blame myself...I just feel so inadequate, but you are right that it is not about me.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Everything you are feeling is normal. My emotions have ranged from sad to extremely angry. I have felt every single emotion/feeling possible. I think you may be experiencing Betrayal Trauma. The label fit me extremely well.
    Stay focused on your wants, needs and desires. Be good to you.
     
  5. Worndown40

    Worndown40 New Fapstronaut

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    I did not know that term but now that I have read about betrayal trauma, it does fit. It is awful.
     
  6. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    There's a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It does a great job of explaining and helping you understand your side of this...all the things you're feeling and experiencing. If you can, check it out. It helped me a lot.
     
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  7. Worndown40

    Worndown40 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you - I definitely will check it out!
     
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  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    There is also another book that is really good and will validate all you are experiencing.

    Mending a Shattered Heart, by Stefanie Carnes Phd

    Her father is Dr. Patrick Carnes who also written many books on Sexual addictions.

    They are easy reads and straight to the point with examples and little tests you can do.

    Hope that helps...stay true to you..
     

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