I hope this doesn’t depress anyone

I hope this doesn’t depress anyone . I’m just reaching out . It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and it seems my life is spiraling more out of control . I’m 31 . I woke up when I was 20 . After a night of drinking , snorting my dads pain meds and edging all night I finally went to sleep . When I woke up when I was 20 I noticed when I usually fantasized I no longer was turned on . It’s like my emotions were dulled . I couldn’t really get an erection either , it was just semi-hard. Fast forward 11 years . In between these years I’ve struggled with substance abuse and made a suicide attempt
Because I can not deal with this . Everyone’s creating families and stuff and I’m here alone . I’ve continued to watch porn between these years . I think the longest streak I got was 30 days , I saw small improvements. After those 30 days I’m back on a binge again . Friday I was with an escort , I took just enough via(gra to get hard enough for sex. I rushed the sex to get it over with cause I was afraid I’d go soft . I felt really bad the next day about it . Today I relapsed twice today looking at porn . I see an escort cause I want that human connection. I feel like I’m honestly going crazy. The last 3 weeks I’ve been tearing up a lot , like a girl and I just feel bad . I’ve gotten blood work numerous times and the doctor doesn’t understand why I’m having these problems . He said all my blood work looks great . My parents are getting older and my dad has multiple sclerosis . I’m getting a lot of those talks that “I need to find someone cause they won’t be here forever.” It puts more pressure on me . It’s not that I don’t trust nofap it’s just sometimes I question if not looking at porn and not masturbating will really fix this . Music sounds dull, food is tasteless and I have interest in nothing . I read here about pied and ED and all that . The reason I say I’m not sure if abstinence will fix this is because , when I was a senior in high school . I took ecstasy like 3 times a day for a month . I got really depressed and I developed the low libido and ED when I was 20. I talked to my doctor he doesn’t think it’s the drugs. I just worry if those drugs I took in high school rewired or permanently did something to me . I don’t know if you guys can relate or have something to add . Idk what’s wrong with my emotions . I feel like I can talk to you guys cause you all understand . I’m quite buff as I work out daily. This escort I saw Friday told me on Saturday morning she wanted to work out with me . I texted her Saturday and it took her a few hours to respond in between each text . Needless to say we didn’t go to the gym together . This is the part of my emotions I need help figuring out. I’m upset cause an ESCORT who wanted to work out with me , blew me off . Why am I upset about it ? Is this coming from a dark place of desperation or what idk . I just haven’t posted in awhile . I’m trying to get into see a psychiatrist, I know it’s time to get help