I know he’s just waiting for an opportunity to PMO, but I never leave him alone long enough for that to happen - which he’s been complaining about, and I quote: “a muthafucka gotta be able to chill!” Fuck that, I say - it’s not unreasonable for me to refuse to cooperate in a situation where he disrespects and devalues me and makes me feel insecure. Why would I put myself through it? Just no. Here’s what I think - I think secretly he likes it that I rescue him from his own worst behaviors. I think he knows that beating off fucks up his brain and makes him into a compulsive, disgusting, shitty person who he doesn’t really like - but he likes it that I keep that shit in check for him - keep him normal and not gross. I think he knows that he’s more like his perpetual-screw-up friend than he wants to admit - impulsive, unreliable, self-absorbed - not really marriage material, but now he’s found a woman who won’t let him get away with always fucking himself. And he likes it - despite his protests and pleas for ‘me time.” So he’s at work and I’m slightly tipsy - been reading “Codependent No More” and thinking I need to detach and focus on me. So on impulse, I got out my vibrator - the expensive, high powered one he bought for me in hopes of convincing me that masturbation really is normal and no big deal. I didn’t look at porn because that shit is not appealing at all when I consider how truly fucked up the whole industry is. The feeling was way more intense than the orgasms he gives me - of course- he is not a machine. But honestly- the 3 - 5 seconds of mega orgasms was not worth the bother. Felt more like the acting out of a mental illness or some kind of payback, revenge thing. Yuck Whatever - I’m taking the book’s advice and letting go of the controlling and babysitting his dick. It’s his problem - he needs to own it - and in the meantime, don’t expect me to put in all the extra effort required to make his dick work for us after he’s fucked himself and can’t get it up or keep it up for his wife whom he supposedly loves. That’s all.
No comments? Seriously people, my brain is going crazy and he’s not terribly supportive since he thinks his one and only problem is the I won’t give him any “space” I think of it this way - why should I cooperate in a situation where I know he will devalue and disrespect me and multiply the anxiety I’m already dealing with nearly constantly. Suppose my thing was binge shopping and every chance I get, I’d go blow $300 - $500 on fancy clothes, shoes, and expensive jewelry. I’m guessing he would not just hand over the credit card and say have fun baby! More likely, he’d be looking for ways to deny me access to our joint bank account. Here’s what he says about PMO: it makes me feel good, and it’s natural - only puritans and nuns punish men for masturbating, it’s not about you - it only means that we don’t get to fuck for one night. What’s the big deal? But if I said to him, “Shopping makes me feel good, it’s natural- that’s what women do - only poor people and cheapskates freak out if their wives spend a little extra money for retail therapy - it just means we won’t spend extra money for your projects this paycheck. What’s the big deal? I’m guessing his response wouldn’t be, “Aw baby, let me see if I can get the limit raised on my credit card for you - and I’ll pick up a couple extra shifts so we have money to pay the bills and buy groceries. Have a great time, sweetheart! No! He’d be cutting me off and complaining about how I’m messing up everything. He would say no. Imma say no too.
If that is how you feel you should do what you feel is right. If you think and know he can't be trusted being by himself and you don't trust him I am sure you can find someone else. I have a problem and am doing this for me first and my gf second.
People change only when they want. I dont know the nature of your relationship but trust that you wouldn't have to babysit him if he wanted to change. You're absolutely right, his attraction to the PMO is a problem and you shouldn't be okay with that behavior especially since it robs you of intimacy. Sex in a relationship is important. You can speak with him again, and if he isnt educated on the dangers of P then help him. But the decision to change has to come from him wanting it for himself. I can't speak for your husband but my stints with PIED was a huge eye opener for me. I never want to put my self in that position again, and my girlfriend shouldn't have to experience that either. But the decision to get better came from me and knowing that real intimacy beats ogling at a screen.
Hi @DeniHaven42 You are angry. It is apparent in every sentence. I don't just mean angry in the moment, I mean angry to the core. That's normal and actually healthy at least for a while, a normal part of grieving. But, the reason Mr. Reliable was not so reliable to you is because you were "reacting" rather than "acting". You were reacting to the anger with entitlement thinking. Self care is about acting, not reacting. "Codependent No More" is a pinnacle work in the field of codpendence recovery. However, the point is not to react to the addict's anger but to make healthy choices for yourself and let the addict face his/her own problems. Getting tipsy and masturbating wasn't what you needed for self care. But we all have our moments. I doubt anyone in recovery or with a partner in recovery will honestly say that they've never gotten a bad case of the "fuck-its" at some point. Just don't make it the regular thing. And yes, on some level your partner likes that you take care of him. That's what addict/co-dependent relationships are like. It's a dance the couple does together, one of mis-unerstanding. When one of you changes the rules, the other one won't like it at least at first. Keep doing what you're doing, don't take care of his problem. Focus your self care on working through your anger so that you can ultimately "detach with love" as they say. Peace to you, -Quinn
