I lost my life and cant get it back

Go see a doctor about the STD and go see a psychiatrist PLEASE!

 

Yes you should probably find one who is a Christian or at least has morals about sexual behavior cause like you said if not they’re just going to say you’re fine go out and do your thing

 

A psychiatrist will only give you drugs, and there's no drug that can cure grief.

That's what you're going through. I recognize it, because I'm coming out the other end of it. The shock, the numbness, the anger, the disbelief, the bargaining, brief moments of hope followed by the stark new reality.

It's part of life, mate. There is no way back, but there is a way forward. Mistakes are real and have lasting consequences, and you've made one. But quitting now isn't going to absolve you of the punishment. You'll commit an even bigger affront to God by taking your own life without even letting the grief work itself out. You think God doesn't know that grief exists? You think he didn't create it? You think it isn't bringing you slowly into a deeper understanding of life and God Himself, and your relationship to them?

Yes, it will take a long, long time, and there is no going back to a happier time. Telling you that you'll understand life on a deeper level won't help you either, even though it's true, because all you want is to feel better. Well, sorry, but, as the saying goes, you made your bed - damn well lie in it till you get used to the new situation. I say this because it's the only thing that would have helped me accept things after I made my own (most recent) stupid mistake.

Sometimes holding on is all you can do, and all God asks of you. It feels horrible because all you can do is wait and suffer when you want to be free to run, but this is the price you pay for violating the Law. God loves you, and you're forgiven in Christ, and all that, but you still have to pay the emotional price for your actions. AND THERE WILL EVENTUALLY BE INCREASINGLY LONG MOMENTS OF PEACE AND FORGETTING - but you have to do your part and hold on to get there.

 

I know, man, but you can't. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make things better for you in the way you want - not even God himself. He'll give you a way forward, though, but it'll be long and hard, and you'll have to buy back with tears and suffering what He gave you for free, but which you valued so little that you threw it away. Like Aragorn with his broken sword - you're in the wilderness, cut off mentally from your family and friends and culture, and the door's been slammed behind you, even though physically they're right there. But all that wandering was for good reason in the end, and the sword was mended after much trial and suffering.

You're living the parable of Horus whose body gets torn into 13 pieces by Set (ruler of darkness and vices like lust and porn) and scattered all across the world, till his wife (your subconscious) finds and puts all the parts back together, except the 13th one. The 13th one is Horus' phallus - his masculine drive, but it's gone, and she can't find it. So, what does she do? She makes him a new one, out of gold. Gold symbols inert purity, and it's the symbol for spiritual transcendence. Basically, you've given up control of your life to subconscious archetypes because you let vice seduce you, and you're going to have to be dragged across the hot coals of experience till your soul is purified and you can take back control again. Your childhood is over, but the way to manhood is open. WALK IT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE IT.

And don't blow the STD out of proportion - they're all treatable. Go to the doctor.

 

Psychologists, depending on who they are can offer counseling and there are Christian or moral based ones out there, usually a referral from a church or a friend in the area can help that’s how I became familiar with one in my area

 

It'll end if you see it through, and you'll look back and see that the boy you were would just have been a regular, shallow guy anyway. You've got the chance to become spiritually mature, whether you like it or not. Don't waste it - a lot of people sleepwalk through life eating too much sugar then die without ever having known the depths or the heights. It's not to be envied.

Things will get better, just slowly, and in ripples that come and go instead of strides that stay strode. Just try to get used to letting it happen. It'll take time, and every moment will feel like an endless, shitty eternity, but that's unavoidable, and it's teaching you something fundamental that you need to learn. Bend with it, and don't be afraid.

As for HIV, yes, you've picked a fine STD to catch, but even that's not what it used to be. I'm not getting into treatments, because some people like to take drugs for things and some people don't. Do your research, take in different viewpoints, and do what you need to do to stay healthy.

Are you eating properly, and have you cut out PMO?

 

God assures you forgiveness..in 1 john 1:9 if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all our unrighteousness

 

What did you do?

 

If you cant tell what you did you can tell it to God through prayer

 

What pain?