I lost my life and cant get it back

Uh-huh, and that's the only reason you're still here. In law, there's a difference between a criminal act and a guilty mind. Mens Rea is a guilty mind, and Actus Reus is a criminal act. Both have to be present for somebody to be convicted to the fullest extent of the law. You committed Actus Reus, but unknowingly, so there was no Mens Rea. It's like the difference between murder and manslaughter. One is intentional and one isn't, but somebody died in both cases. In this case, it was part of you, and there's a price to be paid no matter how hard you regret it.

God will exact just the right amount of suffering from you to make things right - no more, and definitely not less. You're in the shit now, and the only way is out through the sewer. But it does have an end.

 

I grew up thinking I was gay. You do the maths.

 

The old you died when you did the thing. A new you will have to grow to take its place, and it will be a case of "in the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread". God won't make you suffer just for the sake of it, it's just a matter of spiritual cause and effect. You've caused yourself a hell of a lot of future suffering through your own ignorance, and nothing can change that. You'll just have to shoulder the burden till you get used to it. It'll fade out gradually, but holding on to the past too hard only prolongs the healing process. To a certain extent things just take their own time to work out, but if you can nudge yourself in the right direction as you go along, it helps.

 

This is getting too personal for a public thread.

 

Well, I was addicted since I was 12/13. And when I understood that I am in very bad place, i was already 16 or 17 (so 4 years of exposure to PMO). I kind of believed in God, but i "enjoyed" gaming and PMO. But at 17 I was already tired of all of that stuff and couldn't take it. I asked God to help me, and I said, that I want to serve Him and change all my life. And He freed me on the next day. Literally, I got free from P just in 1 day (that was my "born again" experience). I became a Christian back then, but that's because my parents were, and I didn't know anything more about God. (now I am a Noahide, after realizing that Christianity is actually idolatry and man-made religion. If you want to investigate that, you can look up Rabbi Tovia Singer on YT)

But.. I got addicted to MO again in 1 month. I thought that I have to release (stupid young me) and I started to do it once a month. And in 3 months I got so addicted that I was doing it once a week. And it got worse because I started to develop homo thoughts and bestiality. I don't want to talk about that. And the more I did, the crazier it got. Thank G-d, He already some years ago emptied our house from all pets, I'm absolutely sure, that with my messed up mind, I would one day do it with a cat or something.. (But i never went back to watching P again)

I struggled for another 3 years. I asked God to help me every time I fell again. And it continued for 3 years. Back in the day, I discovered Jewish lectures about fixing character traits and they are very good at motivating. That was one of the boosts I got because now I knew, what God wants - He wanted me to earn my freedom. He gifted me with a little boost in the beginning, but now he was expecting me to do the rest myself.
And I started to try again and again... And I got tired of trying. (this is 2 years after I got free from P)

But then came the springtime of 2017, and I think I was starting to really analyze my life, and I really thought, that I will never get free from this Ming issue.
But I rejoined Nofap forums and then I started to systematically analyze, what will be the benefits in my life if I stop this stupidity.

First of all - I found a method: STOP feeling guilty about doing this. (yes I know, later I started to feel guilty about not feeling guilty). But it helped me a lot because I stopped killing myself over it every time, and I got some energy back to analyze, how to proceed and improve my attempts.

And then I started to try VERY VERY HARD.
I started to battle it like a lion. Usually, the place, where I did it was the shower. Usually, my MO addiction took control of me, and I just couldn't resist. But now I started to resist as hard as possible, and the place I ran away from it was edging. I fell a lot of times, but then came a time when I already almost was halfway to O, but I STOPPED and just dressed and got out of the shower as fast as possible. But this was very much suffering because it literally felt like someone is taking control of me. I want - NO I don't - YES YOU DO, - NO! (crazy man )

And this continued for the first 20 - 30 days. The hardest ones were after the 7th one because I was addicted to doing it once a week.
But after that, I really started to get my willpower back and started to work on myself. Working out, putting myself into situations, where I have to break my social anxiety, etc.

And so it went on and on. Now I am almost 24, free and single, but I have to be on guard, because if I see something triggering, I can fall, and I almost did a month ago. Just because I wasn't careful.

So basically you have to become a warrior. If you are not going to do this, nobody is going to do it for you. You must fix your life. And ask God to help you, and give him a reason why He should get you out of that hole.

 

It doesn't matter. If you are not going to fix yourself, it will just get worse.

If you would watch the movie in my signature, you would see that PMO leads to murdering other people (literally), when it gets out of control. So you better stop it now, not in prison.

 

Well, then you just have to learn to control yourself and rewire your mind. That's the basics of starting to recover yourself. IF your desire controls you, then you haven't done a proper recovery yet. You must come to a point, where you can choose what to do.

If you want to live a bad life, that's your choice. But if you don't, you have to make up your mind.

 

Oh, then I didn't understand you sorry

Well then you have to ask:
Did that action cause some damage to others?

If yes - then you have to fix it at all possible ways (apologizing, compensating etc).

IF it didn't hurt anybody, and it was just an immoral act or something stupid, then you have to do repentance (teshuva).
You have to decide, that you are never going to do it anymore. You have to ask God forgiveness for it and promise that you will never do it. And then you have to feel grief. But the grief must be controlled. If you just think all the time about that thing and get depressed, then you are sinning by that, because you mess up your life by regretting something in the past.
True teshuva doesn't cause depression, because you know that you are never doing that again and you are a new person, and the act doesn't count for you anymore..

 

Anyone who thinks grief is subject to conscious control has never experienced grief. The shattering of the mind is not 'feeling depressed', any more than falling into a coma is like having an itch.

 

But didn't you know that you can control your emotions. I know it's not easy, but it's possible.