I polluted, but not in a good way.

It´s been about one month since I´ve stayed away from porn, I haven´t even used instagram for that long. I didn´t really feel the urge to masturbate in this time but I did it once, it happened the same way I´ve lost many streaks: I wake up in the middle of the night with a big boner I start touching it and then there´s no going back.

What disturbs me is the fact that, as stated, I didn´t feel the need to do it, I´d even say I was almost at a flatline, but the days after that my libido rocketed, peaking a few nights ago when I dreamed of myself dominating a woman as in the hardcore porn I used to watch, It went on until I orgasmed and had one of the biggest shots I´ve ever had. The dopamine hit me so hard, that on several ocassions I had the thought of look on the web for an exact match up to my dream so I could be happy again.

This worries me because my subconscious still thinks of women and sex in a way so mundane and selfish that it disgusts me, and I know that if I´d had a vanilla dream I wouldn´t have enjoyed it as much; this is a strong drive within myself that I can´t control. I don´t like drinking and I hadn´t shared this with anyone but If I liked drinking, I wouldn´t do it out of fear to wind up hurting a girl.

So what this post is really about is asking for advice to control my subconscious thoughts and clean my mind thoroughly, I want to feel attracted to real women again and be a real man for them and myself.

 

Thank you, these articles were very useful, I guess I didn´t really saw myself as an adict but I felt so identified and relieved while reading them. I realized a lot of things and I´m going to repeat you a little just so I can really get the ideas.

1) As you mentioned, these dreams are actually more of a nightmare, since they show mw someone I don´t want to become, so I can choose to see them as a reminder rather than a temptation, this way I can use this apparent relapse danger to be hyper cautious.
2) Dreams are not real, they´re the fullfilment of something my subconscious wanted to do, but I didn´t do it, my rational mind knows that consuming and craving for this type of behaviour is a terrible idea and I still keep my commitment.
3) This dreams are only temporary as my subconscious adapts to my new life style and learns how to enjoy other activities in life, also as time has passed I remember less and less of the sensation I experienced and my libido and pulses have diminished.
4) Losing my mind over these dreams I can´t control makes me more anxious and will likely create a self inforcing spiral, I can instead just look at this situation and let it go away, as in a sort of meditation.
5) I have to focus on the source of this dreams, I HAVE been stressed do to an injury and college, and I HAVE used PMO as my stress release mechanism. I´ll ask for help to get back to my training routine and relax while studying.
6) I don´t have a diary so I don´t know how I feel and I end up this low without realizing it, I also need get out of my house more often, being part of a group is a part of life that I´ve undervalued for so long.

PS: Yesterday I had another sexual dream, but this time it was kind of cute even, and it didn´t make want to watch porn, so I´m happy about that.