I am 21, I have been almost 5 years PMO free, I also don't have sex (still virgin) and don't plan to, Nofap has become my life and it is the best life I could imagine. (English isn't my first language so there may be a few grammatical errors here) I would like to share my journey, in complete honesty, I'm not trying to directly advise or give any instructions to the community, I would just like to share my story as this big personal milestone comes up and I hope you find value in my story. I first PMOd at the age of 13 , 2 weeks before I turned 14. It was the worst day of my life, I did it in the dead of night in privacy and no one ever found out. I don't know why I did it, it's as if I decided to do It for the hell of it since everyone I know did at and they said it was fun. if I could have one wish, it wouldn't be investing in bitcoin at $1 or picking last week's lottery numbers , it would be never commuting my first PMO. I felt so ashamed of myself, depressed, horrified, it was as if every fibre of my being was saying that I had just disgraced myself in the worst way possible. But I kept doing it for about 11 months, I averaged about 2-4 times a week. During this period I always had a tightness in my chest, I didn't feel the same shame but I did fear getting caught. I went down the porn rabbit hole in this time, it went from me looking at vanilla content at the start to hard core rape and abuse porn, it was horrible , it took a long time for my mind to get fixed. But about 2 months before I turned 15 I quit PMO (I thought for good), made a promise to God I would never do this shit and I basically told him to punish me severely if I did. I thought I had conquered it, but then I got too comfortable with sexual subject matter. So just under 1 year into my streak, I started PMOing. It wasn't like before, this time I was actively trying to stop myself, I would go between 1-4 weeks without doing it and then I would binge and fap 5-10 times, again to the depraved shit I got used last time i was fapping. This second period of streaking which lasted about 7 months was the WORST period of my life. Then God answered my prayers and punished me. I last PMOd on Feb 9 2019, on Feb 14 2019 I was expelled from school for sending edgy jokes on a WhatsApp I was on, they let me take my exams at the end of the year but I was kicked out. My parents weren't hard on me because they realised I got fucked over, and this was a freak occurrence because everyone at the school did this and a parent reported this because they caught the stuff I was sending on a phone of a friend of mine then reported me. The way the teachers were talking were as if the police would even get involved with this and they would fuck my entire life. Luckily this didn't happen since they just wanted to sweep this under the rug because it would make the school look bad if they made an issue of it. But from then I have been PMO free. I got my act together and realised that God was on my side with this journey. I still have the normal male reaction to seeing sex scenes and scantily clad women etc but I have ZERO desire to act on it, the very thought of masturbating or having sexual intercourse is so alien to me I can barely conceive of myself doing it. However this journey wasn't all plain sailing. I had 2 attacks of lust , one 8 weeks into the new streak and one 6 months in, both I conquered. In both times I felt a tightness in my chest, a tension all over my body and an erection that lasted for hours and an overwhelming desire to nut and that I just needed to (this is the same feeling that made me relapse before but only 10x as intense). But then I prayed and said to God "I don't care if I remain in this state until the day I die, I will not go back to PMOing.' However these weren't my only hurdles. I thought I had everything under control. But then 3.5 years into my streak i faced my biggest challenge yet. I had become very comfortable with NSFW content eg in TV shows , movies etc (never used social media so I didn't soak anything up from there) and I thought I had conquered sexual feelings. However over the course of 2 months something happened where I went from being able to watch a full on sex scene in a movie or TV show without being disturbed to where I couldn't even look at a reasonably attractive woman without feeling aroused. This combined with a 9 month flat line after everything in my life was going well before the flatline set things up for a real shit show. Then , one day I sat on the toilet for an hour and tried to test myself, not by watching porn but by playing devil's advocate saying that : 1)Pmo isn't a problem, and hasn't improved my life so why should I avoid it 2)Why am I denying myself one of life's biggest pleasures 3)I can achieve my goals BETTER if I am not constantly focusing on Nofap 4) That I know personally a good number of very very successful people who DEFINITELY don't do nofap. 5)That I'm still very young and I can't seriously sustain this forever 6) That this was sunk cost And other arguments I can't think of. This started as a joke with myself thinking that I couldn't actually relapse and that there was no way I could no matter what since I am so established in this. Truth be told, I didn't ever actually feel like I would relapse but the same feeling I felt in my first 2 attacks came back and I then had a debilitating fear that my streak was a ticking time bomb about to end. After this one day of argumentation against nofap and being my own devil I spent the next 11 weeks watching porn and NSFW content without fapping (I didnt release semen either) in order to desensitize myself to porn , I basically did this , think and meditate for those 11 weeks (during my uni summer holiday). I didn't get erections from this because I had learned to control them through meditations and yoga , I had 2 wet dreams in this period but no NSFW content in them, just the release without the NSFW dream. (I still had normal erectile function since I still got erections in sleep) During this period I flooded my mind with so much NSFW content that almost any other man on the planet would have folded, but God was with me on this and I managed through desensitisation and meditation and deep thinking to get on top of this. During this time I would also abandon the mental defense mechanism that allowed me to be immune (to a degree) from NSFW content, I basically faced the demon unarmed. Then , exactly 11 week's after this whole thing started I woke up one morning and it was over I had a sexual amnesia, all of those NSFW and pornographic images had been erased from my mind overnight. I was born again, and I know from that day on that no matter what, no matter if I flat line, whether my life is good , bad or downright ugly, whether I feel close or far from God, whether I am up or down, under no circumstances will i ever ever ever PMO again or will i ever need to fear PMOing again. And after that that pretty much brings me to today. I cannot imagine a reality in which I PMO or engage in any sexual act even if I become so vulnerable to sexual stimulus that even looking at an attractive women can cause arousal. After all this time I am now completely free from sex life and PMO forever, it's like I have won the war. I intend on continuing this life until my death, I do not see any life for me whatsoever, I know this isn't for everyone who does nofap but this is just my story. I hope this inspired you but this was really an honest tell all offmychest type post. Thanks for getting to the end and I wish you all the greatest success in Nofap in which ever way you chose to pursue it and/or add it to your life
