Hi everyone, it's been so hard to make an account and post in here. I've been married for 7yrs with a man I love dearly and feel it's reciprocal, however sexual intimacy has been dissapointing from the very start (the first time we ever had sex he couldnt manage to come unless he finished himself off). I blamed myself for it and assumed I just had to be better in bed. All the guys I have been with before gave me good sex and were so complimentary towards my sex and this concept of not having a guy orgasm was new. IN the honeymoon stages when we moved in together and had sex every morning, he started to avoid during that (and me too sometimes as rushing to go to work)- but I felt it wasn't that bad (maybe 20%decrease of sexual activity). I remember now saturdays mornings when I slept in and I woke up to find him getting off with porn in the other room. I was embarrased and tip toed and pretended I didn't see. I just thought I have to inspire him better in bed. Parallel to that though, we connected so well emotionally [minus the 'mindblowing' sex] , been able to build a lot of thigns together, that I just assumed he's just not good in bed..that some men are lke that and I love anyway the rest of him .... and felt inadequate but not enough to stop me in my tracks. Cue 3yrs into marriage, I discover his porn stack. In short after painstakng talks I learnt he was wanking off at work in the toilet anytime he could, at home anytime he couldnt when I wasn't around.Huge cathegorised porn collection and also on his phone. SUbscription to some voyeur site. MEanwhile there I was craving for sex with him and being turned down in a subtle way. Cue distress , arguments. Eventualyl he accepted me with him whilst he wacthed porn. Hey, kinky! I thought. Was a bit surpirsed by the way he browsed it (lots of pages open.. skimming through videos for scenes...jumping to another video.. etc etc.. it was a bit crazy actually.. I think we must have seen about 30females during a session we made out whilst watchign his porn). A few days later though,he told me he isnt sexually attracted to me, as he seems to like his porn stereotype of skinny young blondes. (I'm athletic and slim, always groomed, dark curly long hair that I felt it was an asset ha). My world crushed. EVentually he agreed to give up porn just to show me 'how easy it is', and that he is not addicted. We reconnected. HE started coming back from work wanting sex with me. TOld me how it feels when not masturbating. Started going to the gym. In time at his suggestion, and thinking all is awesome now, I thought it was a good thing to change my hair colour into a lighter one, and straightened my hair.... It's so obvious looking back what an idiot I was.... Te next year passed and we started to try for a baby. During pregnancy I wasnt feeling sexual at all but he didnt seem to mind that. We had an intense baby and toddler with sleepless nights and no chance of intimacy. No space in my mind to think about his sexual life and motherwood swiped me off my feet. As things got better though, he never ever initiated any sexual contact, and neither did I, I couldn't feel the pheromones. BEcame aloof , distant. I distanced myself too, unable to pinpoint why. THe distantlook, my constant asking him if he was OK as e seemed on another planet. We had many arguments in which he said I'm too needy and he can't give me what I want, that we aren't compatible. Caught him again watching porn whilst I was meant to put our 2yrs old to sleep. I went crazy with upset and he suggested we get a divorce and sulked for weeks. Eventually he came around saying that he loves me but I am so negative and so intense and watching porn doesnt mean he doent love me, for he loves me very much. I told him I have no problem with porn but I have a problem with him jerking off whilst I'm in the next room craving for sexual interaction to him. No aswer to that. SO I resorted again to change.. maybe I am too negative and too nagging... He responded well to me not bringing the subject (and also not allowing him time alone with laptop by somehow making myself busy there and then wth him and pretending 'I'm not sleepy so no early bed for me' in the evenings,and goign to bed at the same time as him). Stalking basically, ha. In the week of doing that we had sex 4 times (I initiated) but ofcourse he couldn't come unless he jerked himself off, with that deathgrip and eyes closed. I was surprised to see he likesto wank himself dry, no lube no lubricant, and forcefully too. Vaginal sex just leaved him limp.. No BJ or kinky stuff from me does it. I asked him what he'd like me to do in bed and he's ambivalent although not refusing, it's alwasy 'up to me' if HJ or BJ. He told me though 'sometimes in future' he'd lke me to swallow his come. Ofcourse he would...it seems a huge step from trying to reconnect to someone to jumping straight into a fantasy. He is now gone for 2 weeks with our two yrs old kid to visit his parents so I have time to think. It just hit me and I started googling it. Came across the site yourbrainonporn. Read through forums. Ordered the book and been reading half f it last night. I see now he is addicted. I see that is not my fault. It hever has. I feel so upset and stupid for not seeing it earlier. I feel I wasted my time and it's entirely my fault because signs were there but I ddidn't want to see them. These feelings are liberating because they take away my feelings of being sexual inadequate to a man, but they have broken my heart. I don't even blame him, I am not upset with him. I am so so ashamed of my lack of judgement. And I feel like I betrayed myself. Where is the woman who had her sexual desires fulfilled (always in monogamous relationships). Where is the woman who had higher standards in bed (meaning expecting to be pleased as well as pleasing the partner). WHere is the woman who could distnguish between intimate making love and just sex for fun (nothing wrong with that) and connect with partners this way. So I sent him a long whatsapp message saying taht I love him and I hope he felt the intimacy I felt in our good times, but that I think he is addicted to porn because he withdraws in it everytime we have an issue in our marriage, which is convenient for him but not fair for me if to stand a chance of building something together. I told him I didn't blame him or think he did it our of hatred to me or being mean, life just got in the way, but I think it's a problem and it's up to him to decide if he wants to look at it. I think it's a problem because 'no man says "I hope to grow up married to a wonderful woman who waits in bed for mewhile I'm in the den masturbating to porn'". Told him we have time apart and he can think in between jerking off if that's the case. I don't kow what I'm asing here, I just felt the need to talk about it. NO way I can bring this o my friends now. I guess, are there any other women feeling /dealing wit this now?