I'm back...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Mar 22, 2016.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry my brothers and sisters. I've fallen so hard, and because of that I was ashamed to return to you guys.

    It all started on New Years eve. I relapsed, ending an 8 (or 9, I forget) month streak. I felt bad, because as Fapstronauts, I think that's the worse time to relapse - a time when most people are making resolutions to change themselves for the better.

    And the downward spiral began. My streaks shortened to weeks, which then shortened to just days, which have now turned to hours. I can't seem to stay a single day clean.

    I'm a fully fledged addict again. I went from a 3 year heavy user of pornography, until 2014 when I started to get my act together. Now I'm back to square one, all of my hard work doesn't matter, I've lost the benefits, I've lost motivation, I've lost the knowledge to refuse urges, and I've lost my old self. My old confident, productive self.

    The past year has been rough, and I wouldn't be surprised if it has for you too. Life can be rough at times, but it can also be sweet and beautiful. I love life, but for the passed year I've felt withdrawn, slightly depressed, like I'm sleepwalking through life.

    Early March 2015, my friend committed suicide. I nearly fell into a deep, deep depression but luckily I have a family that helped pull me out of it before it could consume me further. For two long months I did no homework for my classes, and did nothing but sleep, wake up and eat, and sleep again. By the end of this little depression I was 10 pounds heavier, and very out of shape. Not long after that I met this girl; she was the most beautiful girl you could lay your eyes on. My physical attraction to her helped me lose the weight, and I slowly gained it back, with muscle instead of fat this time. Our relationship didn't last that long. Still socially disabled from my friend's death, I was very socially awkward when I met up with her. She probably viewed this as something very unattractive and we eventually stopped all contact.

    The next few months I spent moping about the "break up" for lack of better words. I repeatedly told my friends that, "I was over her" but really I was hurting. I couldn't stop thinking about how I failed with her, and how things could've been different. She was moving so it was for the better anyways. Soon after I gave up social media, which may not really be a bad thing, but it is another form of withdrawal.

    As March 2016 approached, and the one year anniversary of his passing came, that terrorized my mind. I became even further withdrawn, irritable, angry, sad. The anniversary came and went, and I do feel better, but when I think of him, I think of our circle of friends that I've cut contact with. I'm running away from them because I'm afraid of dealing with the feelings that are still there.

    There it is. I'm done venting for now, I just really need the support. I'll make the recommitment back to the NoFap lifestyle, if I can remember and relearn the tools to get through the first month. After that, if I remember correctly, it should be a breeze.

    ~Squeaks
     
  2. zadvanceppa

    zadvanceppa Fapstronaut

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    I remember reading your helpful posts before. Best of luck as we continue this fight.
     
  3. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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  4. SiuLong

    SiuLong Fapstronaut

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    Welcome back Squeaky Soul, hope you'll find yourself again with the help of the community.
    All the best,
    SiuLong
     
  5. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    No need to apologise or feel bad. You have done nothing wrong.
     
  6. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    It's easy for us to say don't PMO no matter how much life gets you down - but many of us do not know what it is like to lose a close friend, especially if the friend committed suicide. There isn't a person on this forum who will judge you for your decisions this past year and I applaud you for finding the strength to return to this community.

    I'm really sorry your friend died. There are few experiences that can compare to that overwhelming grief and I'm sorry for your pain. I know you will get a hold of your addiction because you are too awesome of a human being to not. I also joined this community in February 2014, yet I don't have an excuse for why it's taken me this long. I look forward to hearing your progress.
     
  7. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys. I've felt a lot better since posting this. While I'm still scared that I'll be trapped in this sleepwalking state of mind, I do fell one step closer to breaking it.

    I need to hang out with friends more. When I'm with friends I feel more mentally aware.

    I have a few fun filled weekends coming up that I've planned with my friends. Taking the train into town, and renting a boat being a few things, and a lot more planned for my upcoming spring break!

    I haven't been as productive this week though. I attribute this to all the recent relapses.

    Does any body have basic advice for me? I'm lost and I've forgotten just about all the little tips and tricks I used to follow religiously.

    -SS
     
  8. Sorry to hear your story squeaky soul. masturbating to deal with grief , stress or depression can become a viscious cycle of it gets out of control.
    basic tips are yoga and meditation ASAP. Yoga will help your mind and body recover and yoga teachers will occasionally drop some knowledge on you by saying one thing that stands out . Meditation will help you find some peace and recharge your brain . It's effects are amazing and significant even short term once you get comfortable with it. try to socialize when your feeling up for it . be around good vibes people only. try to stay safe from any people family or friends that do or say little things that give you anxiety or don't understand you. Try not to avoid your friends who were friends of the friend who committed suicide . socializing with them might help. If it doesn't then you don't need to do it again. One try won't break you.
    Expose your mind to good things , good books . Eat healthy avoid bad carbs and eat good fats avacadoes bananas blue berries brain foods.
    Download headspace meditation app.
    Abstain from your addiction and feel better then go have sex. sex or touching of some sort will make you feel better. if you can't pull off an intimate relationship in your state then hire a sex surrogate type of girl or maybe a high end escort . Touch and sex can be healing.
    Get in nature everyday. Try to meditate in nature . Walk in the woods, on the beach. If you don't have time just drive to a beach or lake and turn your car off and look over the water. get a massage. get acupuncture from a good person who does acupuncture for stress , depression, anxiety. Seek out everything. I heard good things about Qi Gong.
    maybe try a video game if that helps reduce stress . good luck
     
    seth likes this.
  9. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    I'm a huge advocate for also writing down the reasons we quit. Make a post about it or write it on a sheet of paper of glance over it every few days. This does wonders to inspiring motivation to refuse urges for a few days. If at some point you want to relapse even after reading the list, perhaps your list isn't personal enough. See this list I made myself:

    http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?posts/433445/

    Also, start educating yourself about this addiction (as if you never learned it). You'll know most of it, but you might have forgotten some pieces. Learning about the addiction does wonders to keeping ourselves motivated. Yourbrainonporn.com is a great place to start.
     
  10. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for coming back. I'm reminded of that part in Batmman when Alfred says "Why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up."

    Did you notice that he didn't do it alone? He had to do the work himself, but he wasn't alone. Bruce Wayne had Alfred, and you have us. Thanks for being brave enough to face your embarrassment. It's an important step to recovery.
     
    seth likes this.
  11. NoneForMeThanks

    NoneForMeThanks Fapstronaut

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    Were here for your squeaks

    Advice for getting through the first month (Real Manhood Awaits):
    -Make a plan for the day and stick to it. Get out of the house as much as possible
    -Exercise everyday, at least 30 min
    -COLD SHOWERS
    -solid diet always helps
    -Get an accountability group/friend on here. I can volunteer as much of my time as I can
    -Get out and get uncomfortable. The only way to power through negative emotions is to hit them head on. Avoidance leads to withdrawal both mentally and socially.
    -Accept yourself, and forgive yourself for making "mistakes". All "mistakes" are just life lessons in hiding man. Just learn form these experiences.

    You the man. Dont forget that
     
  12. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Ahhh yes!

    The past two weeks I've been stickin to that for the most part.

    I have been making plans for myself and executing them,
    I have been exercising regularly,
    Haven't been taking the cold showers,
    I'm gonna be honest, my diet has been shit lately,
    I have people I talk to regularly,
    I've been challenging myself more, avoiding less.


    And thanks everyone else!!! Much appreciated. Now I shall take the next step of recommitting myself to the NoFap lifestyle. If you've noticed that's something that's been extremely challenging for me.
     
  13. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Getting NoFap emails about inbox messages and alerts from watched threads help, as I check my emails often throughout the day. That sounds like a good place to start. I'll start conversations with wise men of NoFap, old friends, and watch many threads - not too much though, I don't want to overwhelm myself, or get buried in emails!

    I am going to admit this. Ever since I fell off the NoFap bandwagon, whenever I try to better myself with another try, I have a nagging in my mind to return back to the disrespectful ways of PMO.

    I've been doing good today, but I experienced a nagging urge. I took care of it at first, but it came back not long after. That's when I thought it'd be a good time to drop in.
     
  14. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Distraction will helps whenever you have an urge or a trigger. Listen to music, take a walk, get out of home if you're at home etc.
     
  15. diamondboi

    diamondboi Banned

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    Welcome back. I'm in the same boat.


    Went 10 months without porn, and a semi-healthy MO patterns with regular sex.

    last two half months after being laid off, and broken up with a girlfriend left me in a downward spiral of a 2 month binge. (2x a day) About 11 days ago, I decided to re-enter the dating scene, and effortless pulled a beautiful women. Couldn't get anything passed a 50-60% erection, and it killed me on the inside. Ever since that day I quit, which coincidentally happened 11 days ago. It's moments like this that make you buck up, and realize why you quit in the first place. Pedal to floor, this run is going to be easy for me.


    lets do this! Masturbating to porn is pathetic. DO YOU RELE WANT TO BE THAT LOSER ALL OVER AGAIN, stroking the bishop to unrealistic images, and a fantasies of other men putting their dick inside a women? I certainly dont. it's pathetic.


    Rele dig deep down inside, and realise how far you come, because like you I managed to make it a very long way. That weak moment in my life was my downfall, and I learned a lot from it. Like you, we need to make sure that sort of event never triggers our downfall again.
     
    incredulo likes this.
  16. IGY

    IGY Guest

    What sort of warped advice is that - rent a vagina! :eek: For fuck's sake! :mad: Please don't peddle advice like that in this forum!
     
  17. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    So I must come clean. I need to reset my counter. I watched pornography, and masturbated a little bit. I was about to finish myself off in the bathroom, but when I locked the door and asked myself if I was really going to do that. It did not feel fun, it just made me feel like an addict. Wanting to do it, but finding no pleasure in it. So I stopped myself. It was a very disgusting feeling I experienced. I can't remember the last time I've felt that way.
     
    Don Gately, incredulo and seth like this.
  18. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Yup! Just got doing this! Popped the headphones in and took a short walk. Then did some light exercises.
     
    Awakening123 likes this.
  19. IGY

    IGY Guest

    It is good to see that you have stayed away from porn and not masturbated for over two weeks since this last update. :cool:

    Could this be the start of another super-squeaky-streak? :p
     
  20. incredulo

    incredulo Fapstronaut

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    What a story. Pick up the pieces and go on. There is hope. You have done it before, it can be done again. Have faith. If your are committed you can do it. Keep on writing, keep on venting. We are listening and you will feel better. One day at the time. Do get out of the house. Take walks and try to be in the company of someone who can understand your pain and your addiction. Good luck
     

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