I started looking at porn when I was 9 or 10 I think. But it wasn't until 2009 when I was 23 that I fist realized it was an issue and started trying to quit. I didn't even know about porn addiction yet I just knew I was spending way too much time doing it and getting into weird territory. Then I was on an Omegle text chat and a guy posted the link for YourBrainOnPorn and it blew my mind. All the symptoms of porn addiction were things I had experienced most of my life. I had Social Anxiety Disorder pretty bad that ruined my whole life so I lost all friends by high school and didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24 (online long distance as all my relationships have been or started as), general anxiety, panic attacks, dulled emotions, depression, derealization, depersonalization, OCD, and loads more. Plus delayed ejaculation (though I didn't quite realize how bad until I finally met a girlfriend in person when I was 27). My worst times looking at porn were probably in college, especially when I had my own apartment. I remember a few times looking at porn from like 8pm all night until I left to go to an 8am class without sleeping. I was edging though sometimes when I look at porn I won't even be doing that, my dick will just be soft and I'm not even doing anything with it, just looking at porn. Until the end of course. Like other porn addicts I also progressed from vanilla to everything under the sun. I've seen some weird and wild shit (sometimes literally), like most I'm sure. It led me to question my sexuality. I still wonder if I might be bisexual and have considered trying something with a guy or trans woman. But then I wonder if it's just the porn addiction. I've never been able to orgasm from PIV sex or oral or anything besides my own masturbation. Death grip and not using any lubricant to masturbate played their part there I'm sure. Plus masturbating by sliding the skin under my head up and down (I'm circumcised but still have a bit) instead of going over the head. So sex just feels alien and odd. Good in a way but my body just feels confused. It's like my brain can't connect it to orgasm. I used to write down the date in an email to myself whenever I relapsed. But seeing all those dates in my emails was depressing and I found counting days to be counterproductive. It would make me think about porn too much. And also get those manipulative thoughts like "It's only been a day or 2 since I relapsed so I could do it again and it wouldn't be a big deal." I stopped counting and it's better. I tried using pornblockers. I had the k9 thing, tried others, had an add-on that rerouted porn sites to another site like YourBrainOnPorn. I even had a internet monitor that a girlfriend monitored for me. I had the password for k9 as a long string of random numbers and letters. I put that in an email in a long list of other random letters/numbers. I put the password to that email address as another long word/number thing and put that in a long list of similar word/number things in a notepad document. I would still go through each one until I found it and then the same in the email. I put the password on a strip of paper, ripped int into 4 pieces and put each uner the leg of a very heavy piece of furniture. I would still get them. And later I figured out how to just disable it. If anything the blockers made it worse because beating them became part of the thrill of it all. The chase. I felt crazy and absurd going around porn blockers I put up myself. The longest I've even gone without was a few months when living with an ex-girlfriend. We had sex a lot and after she finished I would finish myself off. So I guess I was getting enough sexual release and connection not to need porn. And I didn't have my own computer there either. It was a very tough breakup which led me back to porn. These days I go 4-7 days between porn sessions. Whenever I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place with my addiction I guess I let my guard down and relapse. I've been trying to notice triggers more but sometimes they come out of nowhere and I don't realize until later that it's a trigger. I started to get really serious about it back in 2018 when I tried to find a therapist that was an addiction specialist. I also was experiencing general anxiety that was pretty bad with panic attacks (thankfully I had already overcome my social anxiety by then). I found a few and asked them questions and finally narrowed to 2 that I tried. I ended up going with a woman who was an actual addiction counselor. She said a lot of stuff that was from A.A. "Willpower vs. Willingness" (Willingness to change your life), "H.A.L.T." (Are you actually Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Deal with these first and see if you still have porn desire). Some of these things were helpful but most weren't. Eventually I stopped going to her because it wasn't helping and she seemed not as interested in me. In 2019 I started going to the other therapist I had tried and I have been with him ever since. We have a good connection and he has helped me a lot with so much. I don't experience anxiety anymore. It's amazing. But the addiction is still a struggle that we're trying to work on. I really hate porn. So much. So much that sometimes I almost just hate the idea of sex altogether. I feel pathetic and crazy that when I get an urge to look at porn I can't control my own body. I can have all the logic and plans and wherewithal I can but the instant I decide to look at porn because of some trigger it just goes away. When I look at porn I just am completely gone. My mind is blank. I recently almost became aware enough to try to talk to myself but my inner voice sounded so far away and muted. Sometimes I'll have to stop to go to the bathroom or something. I try to tell myself then that I don't have to go back to it. Maybe I can just masturbate there in the bathroom so I won't want to look at porn after I come out. But I don't. I just go back to it. I just want to be in control of my own body, self, and life. I hate being out of control. Which is also why I have never had alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. I just want to be me again, like I was before porn addiction. Which I guess was when I was a kid. I want to be free again. All these years I never tried a porn addiction forum like this. I guess part of me didn't want to put all this out there and admit I'm an addict this way. Maybe part of me thinks it will work and doesn't want to quit. I hope it does work. This is day 1. Not that I'm counting. ;p
