Introducing Myself

Hi everyone!

I was encouraged to join NoFap by my therapist after attending a 2-week sex addiction recovery intensive this past month. I'm encouraged and grateful to find out that this community exists.

For me, sobriety became possible when I got a "cancer diagnosis". My wife filed for divorce about 2 weeks after my sobriety date in a counselor's office (for fear of the way I would respond). Since March, she has paused the proceeding and we are working towards reconciliation. I have had to read the impact of my addiction from her words, and it's been deeply motivating to continue towards long-term recovery.

My wife and I have been separated for 18 months total, but only married for 2.5 years. It took getting married to a fantastic woman to realize how utterly unmanageable my acting out behavior became and how devastating it was to the people I hurt. I've been involved in local SAA meetings multiple times a week for about a month, a recovery group at my church for about a year, and I'm now sober (no porn, no masturbation) since January 14, 2020 (284 days as I'm writing this). I'm working Step 4 (Moral and Fearless Inventory of my Acting Out Behavior) and preparing for a full disclosure with a CSAT.

My wife and I are still in "crisis" mode, so things are still fragile, though well paced. We don't talk much because she doesn't feel safe around me. I have abused her verbally, emotionally, and sexually. I have deep empathy for the pain I've caused, and wearing her pain reminds me of why I want to continue in my recovery. I never want to hurt her or anyone like this again. Even if our marriage does not heal, I will. I very much hope it does...but my recovery does not depend on it.

I'm a life-long porn addict. It has cost me so much. It has the potential to cost you so much. It does hurt people, you included. It does rob you of freedom and joy. Porn destroys love, and can destroy lives.

I look forward to reading and hearing your stories. The last words my wife wrote to me in her impact letter were "Reclaim your life." -- that's become an anthem for me as I work my recovery plan one day at a time.