For a long time now; I've been feeling very guilty about some of the sexual fantasies and sexual behaviors I've been exhibiting, and the horrible things I've done, I constantly think to myself "How is this me? How can I be such a pervert?" I've been trying to quit pornography for years, but I always fail and it never works; I also had some childhood trauma and a history of familial conflict; I'm not sure if this plays a role into addiction; I'm constantly putting a persona in my life and I appear like a totally normal person with no problems, but on the inside; I'm dead; there's no better way to describe how I'm feeling. I have to say my parents may have played a role in this because of their perfectionist ways of parenting, but the blame could also be put on me—though I'm not sure—and this shame has been constantly intrusive and annoying. Additionally, for anyone mistaking guilt with shame; guilt is basically "I did something bad and I should take this an opportunity to do better in the future." whereas shame is "I'm a very bad person for doing this thing and I'm never going to get better." What I'm feeling is the latter—which is shame—whenever I think about anything unrelated to porn; even mundane things and aspects of life that don't have anything to do with porn, I always think to myself the same thoughts and have the same shaming feelings; it's as if they're stuck in my brain and they never go, the commonest of all these thoughts is the idea that I can never do anything like a normal human being because of my history of perverted fantasies; this particular thought incessantly gets played in my brain and it has been making me feel worse every day and suicidal. Does anyone relate to this? And if so, how did you deal with it and what did you do with it? Any advice would be appreciated.
I completely relate. I have dealt with shame for quite a while, but I am starting to break free from it. However, it takes a lot of work. I've gone to a year of therapy for it. The thing about shame is that it feeds off of isolation and secrecy. You need to find someone you absolutely trust, someone you know who loves and cares for you for you to talk about it. If you don't have anyone like that, I would say to keep yourself away from the house. Surround yourself with people and build your social skills. Additionally, start to create a list of things you absolutely KNOW you want to do and who you want to be. Shame also feeds off of idleness. It is easy to give into dark thoughts about yourself when you aren't doing anything productive. Do those things on your list and keep yourself focused on them throughout the whole day. We have shame because we wish we could change where we've been, but the problem is is that we can't. The past is DONE. History. The only thing we can do is to start doing the things that we know we'll look back on and be happy with it. So set your intention when any of these thoughts come up. Ask yourself- "What do I really want to do right now? What things to I want to dwell on?" Focus on the light, and it will start to destroy the darkness that you have. I wish you the best.
I also feel shame and low self esteem. My parents were also exactly like yours. They always put me in a shell. They never allowed me to go out of my comfort zone . They always fear that something bad will happen to me. In my childhood i see something erotic and that made me sex addict. So man, we feel the shame, it is actually low self esteem we feel. People having childhood trauma may have this kind of thing. They have an immatured brain. I am very very deeply addicted to sex and porn that, i am following women and they always think i am a jerk. But actually my immature brain make me do this.
I read a YouTube comment that goes like this: "If you want to treat a child's mental problems, treat his/her parent's first."
